It Feels Intense When You Are Obsessed With Someone Beyond Belief, Yet They Do Not Know And They Act

Tw: vent, a bit of violence, gender dysphoria, and depression.

I am starting to lose hope. I do not think that anyone will ever love me as much as I love them. Depression makes it really hard to express my feelings. Everyone I care for will eventually find someone else they love more. I know that it will always happen. It is always gonna go wrong. I fear nothing more than failure and my life is just a big compilation of me failing everything. I cannot let go though, which is the scary part. It is almost as if you chop your legs off because they were walking into the school cafeteria on their own. The cafeteria full of eyes that see you (I must never go there). Then your body starts rolling on its own into the place, which sets you up for your ultimate demise. It is moments like this that I crave the nothingness, I crave to no longer exist, and I crave a release from my pain. I hate myself and I hate that I was born to look like a freak. I want to die, but I can't...The only thing left to do is to continue my obsession, it is too late to abandon it now, because she has overtaken my mind. The worst part of all this is that I am never gonna pass as a female because of my stupid body that I want to rip into pieces with surgeries. I am gonna change everything about myself until there is nothing left of me. I am just a big pile of waste, which is infested with trauma, ugliness, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety, failure, the inability to do anything right, and a universe full of pain to show for everything I have gone through. Idk whether to give up or not...

preach!

one of my life rules is to ask myself

"would a normal person do this?"

And if the answer is no, then I DO. IT.

And I think this reasoning would apply to Suzuya, Shuu, Rize, Eto, Uta, and lots of other admirable characters, so I don't feel bad about it at all.

In fact, I have their approval. The end.

Tw: NSFW

On the surface it may seem like I am shy and collected, but there is also this underlying desire to dominate someone sexually. Once I get consent and know someone well enough, I will alter the way I sexually interact with them. First I will learn all the kinks and weaknesses of the partner, then I will bring them close to the edge of climax and deny them climax in the last moment until they beg me for release. I like teasing people and seeing them beg. I also have quite the obsession with women's anatomy including the clitoris. I could perhaps gently massage it with the palm of my hands while fingering her vagina to satisfy her.

you heard them

Tw: vent and suicide note (dw, I have many failed attempts. The rope might break again):

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, END MY PAIN ALREADY!!!! I am half way there, just a little more trauma and I won't ever emotionally react to anything ever again. I just need more trauma. I confess, I am trying to become more mad just so that I can reach the limit of pain. I am putting myself in situations where I get bullied. I desire nothing more than to destroy everything. Where others build, I destroy! Idc if someone is going to love me in the fucking future, I am gonna punish that person for taking too long to appear by destroying myself so bad that they will never love me. I will wreck my life so badly that only the sickest person on Earth could love me. I am tired of feeling like no one loves me. I should honestly just kill myself...wait, that is a good idea, actually. My mom is asleep too, I can do it. I CAN FUCKING DO IT!

Oh, goodness. I need a yandere so bad...I want to feel loved for once in my life and to have someone obsess over me like I obsess over them. I want someone to see my terrible obsessive side and still choose to interact with me. "I want someone to love me without me feeling like I am begging for it." Said a post and I feel exactly that. It is really hard to find yan4yan, but if anyone sees this post, then you have no competition and I easily submit to anyone who shows me affection. If you are over the age of 18 and a girl, then please PLEASEEEEE talk to me. I am desperate!

a world without trans people has never existed and never will

prints

I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. I have not done one of these in a while. I feel hopeful because the day that I will take hormones is coming closer and closer. Soon I will alleviate my dysphoria and live as who I truly am. I am on sick leave now due to all the issues I mentioned. I do not know what to say - I just need to alleviate the dysphoria sooner.  I know that it will not solve everything. I feel lonely because I am not able to connect with people on a deep level and I have terrible social skills. Heck, my social skills are so terrible that writing these journals and sharing them with people from my school does not feel embarrassing in the slightest. The only things I cannot say are illegal stuff. An example of something that is illegal is murder. Obviously I am not gonna write in the journal that I murdered someone if I really did do it. No, but I have not done it. Anyways, I still cannot get my mind off of something which I mentioned earlier. That mysterious thing which drives me forward. The mysterious thing is further away than ever before, but oh so close. I think that it is best to leave everything behind and return into my shell where no one can see, hear, or hurt me. I am safe in my house, right? Ofc I am, why would I not be? It is only when I step outside that those sc(k)ary people look at me and laugh, then they say something to their friends and both of them look behind themselves and laugh. They all laugh at me, I am just a joke to them. The only thing left to do is to run away forever and never return. I know, maybe in the future I can upload my mind into a computer and play Minecraft all day. Minecraft is a game where no one bothers you and if they bother you, THEN YOU FUCKING KILL THEM. Minecraft is a game where I am safe and where there are no rules to put me in danger. Minecraft is a place where nostalgia rules. No, no no no! The milk is not in the bag, IT IS NOT IN THE BAG, SHUT UP! The milk is my soul and the bag is my computer - a world waiting to be explored and a world where no one judges you. I am addicted to gaming, I am addicted to the internet, I am nihilistic, I am depressed, blah blah blah; you get it. I WANT MY ESTROGEN, GIVE ME HORMONES! Anyways, I am getting off-topic. I am basically screwed, the end.

Not me overthinking about whether or not my obsession hates me. It hurts to think that maybe I did something wrong and messed everything up. I am really stressed out about if this person is gonna even love me in the end. I think about it every moment of the day. I am definitely not good enough, am I? Sometimes my obsession makes me feel so happy, but she also makes me feel weak. I am so worried about the future, oh goodness, I am so worried! I know that if it does not happen, then it was not meant to be, but I want to believe that it is meant to be. She is just so perfect, I am gonna spend the entire rest of my day thinking only of her!

"On order to create, we must first destroy"