Tw: NSFW

Tw: vent and suicide note (dw, I have many failed attempts. The rope might break again):

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, END MY PAIN ALREADY!!!! I am half way there, just a little more trauma and I won't ever emotionally react to anything ever again. I just need more trauma. I confess, I am trying to become more mad just so that I can reach the limit of pain. I am putting myself in situations where I get bullied. I desire nothing more than to destroy everything. Where others build, I destroy! Idc if someone is going to love me in the fucking future, I am gonna punish that person for taking too long to appear by destroying myself so bad that they will never love me. I will wreck my life so badly that only the sickest person on Earth could love me. I am tired of feeling like no one loves me. I should honestly just kill myself...wait, that is a good idea, actually. My mom is asleep too, I can do it. I CAN FUCKING DO IT!

This has to pass

Tw: unhinged break down and vent with mentions of suicide

I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. There was a situation with a friend which was a bit difficult. I felt like I wanted to help, but I was unable to. Now onto a different topic: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It is strange that that that that's djjkcodbns ytsbat I cannot CANNOT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS! My mind is a mess, everything is unclear…I just want to prove to myself that I am wanted here in this world, but I do not know if I really am wanted. Even if I am NO NO NO, I won't say that! I am freaking out, I heard voices in my head a few weeks ago and I had to take new meds. It was terrifying and annoying, there was screaming and squealing as well and it felt like my mind was streaming like a waterfall. I am on sick leave until May, so don't expect to see me in school. Yk what, I will be honest. Every Time I have one of these squishes (which are the desire for queer platonic relationships). I have felt this for around 5 people so far and all of them were extremely far and unavailable. One was an online friend who ended up telling me to kms for defending furries, another was someone in our school who was probably the worst person imaginable to have a squish on, another was an online friend who literally admitted to being a sociopath and I still continued being close with the person, then there was someone else who prefers solitude and only sees all friendships as temporary, and then finally it is the person I have this squish on now, who does not really care about anyone beyond the usual friendships. All this combined could point towards me never being able to find someone, which means that I simply am not wanted. The logical conclusion of something not being wanted is for it to be thrown away. Being thrown away means basically dying…wait, it is dying, I should kill myself. But wait, people care about me even if it is not in that way. This is good, this means that I am still wanted in some way, so I should not kill myself. The voices are wrong, the Goddess communicating with me telepathically called Luna is wrong. Wait a minute, can't I want myself? That way someone always wants me, which increases my chance of survival. In practice this would mean that I am in a relationship with myself. Since I am a person with so many different personalities, it is almost as if I am multiple different people. It is logical, really, no one wanted the cake, so that leaves all the cake for me, no one wanted to work with me in the group project so I worked by myself, no one picked me for their team so I picked myself for my own team. Yes, that's it! The solution to all my problems. This was what the poem meant, the poem of me reaching the end of the tunnel and seeing light, maybe I am my own light. But then I would be autoplatonic meaning that I can have a platonic relationship with myself. I will try this out. No, I already did and it did not work…back to suicide? Idk, I do not want to be in that stinky ward again. Does that mean that I’d better succeed in killing myself? Idk…let's try to live for now so there is a 0% chance of me ending up in that ward.

Once, there was a group of humans born, from birth they were bitten by a thorn. They bore the cross, the cross of their demise, of their death they fantasize. The village gathered to witness the journey into the clouds, the entropy came in mounds. Shackled by all, but shackled by naught, they wanted to bleed and they made it so, it's as if they were made to go

Not me overthinking about whether or not my obsession hates me. It hurts to think that maybe I did something wrong and messed everything up. I am really stressed out about if this person is gonna even love me in the end. I think about it every moment of the day. I am definitely not good enough, am I? Sometimes my obsession makes me feel so happy, but she also makes me feel weak. I am so worried about the future, oh goodness, I am so worried! I know that if it does not happen, then it was not meant to be, but I want to believe that it is meant to be. She is just so perfect, I am gonna spend the entire rest of my day thinking only of her!

you heard them

I am definitely unlovable. I am just too insane and weird for anyone to relate to me or like me. I must accept this reality in order to continue living a life of loneliness, but a life without love is no life at all...I have no idea what to do.

New to Tumblr, but I figured that I might fit in somewhere here

honesty means having few friends