This Is One Of The Best Things I’ve Ever Read

this is one of the best things I’ve ever read

criminal minds episode

[suburban house in the dark]

Woman: hey I’m getting some wine okay honey

Man: okay

[spooky music]

[someone comes up behind the woman and slits her throat with a fork]

[powerpoint transitions between clips of the cast, theme song plays]

[picture of FBI Quantico labeled “FBI QUANTICO”]

[inside FBI Quantico]

Reid: did you know that prince removed one of his ribs to suck his own dick

Prentiss: DiD yOu Kn—shut up

Reid: okay sorry

JJ: hey everyone we’re starting. get in here

Everyone: [gets in there]

[sitting at the table]

Hotch: 😠

Reid: 🙂

Morgan: 🤨

Rossi: 🧐

JJ, showing a PowerPoint presentation of dead bodies: the UnSub is killing people with spoons. But now he has used a fork

Morgan: his MO changed…that means…

Rossi : we need to act fast. He’s getting sloppy

Reid: ☹️

Hotch: 😠 wheels up in 20

[everyone starts to leave]

Prentiss: hey wait Reid

Reid: what

Prentiss: do you want to talk about it

Reid: next time why don’t you just ask me if I want to gouge my eyes out with melon ballers because that’s how much I don’t want to talk about it. That’s how avoidant I am. God I wish I had a father [leaves]

[scene of plane flying]

Hotch, voiced over: “What would you do if you did not know how to what okay and. — The Bible”

[inside plane]

Reid: did you know—

Morgan: DiD yOu kNoW— shut up you little twink. You’re so gorgeous I just wanna rub my hands—

Reid: wh—

Hotch: let’s focus please

Garcia, appearing on the computer screen: hello all of you slimy little cum beasts

Rossi: 👁👄👁

Morgan: hey sexy

Hotch: 😠… what do you have for us

Garcia: I obtained a record of all forks bought in the past week

Hotch: great work. thank you

Morgan: god i just wanna fuck your brains out

Garcia: fill me with your mixed babies

Hotch: [disapproving glance]

Reid: 🤭

[meeting the local cops]

JJ: hey I’m agent jereau we spoke on the phone

Cop: oh hey sexy you didn’t tell me you had huge naturals and a slim thick ass when we talked on the phone hahaha let’s go inside we’ll get you set up

[several minutes of poking around at crime scenes]

Hotch: okay. Let’s present the profile

Morgan: are we ready for that

[zoom on Hotch’s face]

“No”

[black screen where there would have been commercials if you were watching this on CBS but it’s 2020 and you’re watching it on Netflix so there are no commercials so you’re forced to see your reflection and think about the fact that you’ve been watching Criminal Minds for six hours straight]

[in room with the cops]

Hotch: it’s a white male in his 30’s

Cop who is racist: you sure

Prentiss: hey shut the fuck up please. It’s a white male in his 30’s and his dick don’t work so he’s decided to kill everyone who looks the same as his mother because he blames her for his dick not working

[more poking around at the most recent crime scene]

Morgan, climbing up a tree or something in the yard: so I’m the unsub. Where can I see inside the windows without being seen

Prentiss: you look dumb as hell up there just so you know. You look like a fucking freak just so you know

Rossi, from inside the house: hey guys I think found something

[commercial break]