Latest Posts by rufinara - Page 2

Thinking about how my mom tried to “seduce” my dad when they were in college together by sneaking oranges into his backpack, because she grew up food insecure and feeding someone/sharing food was a big deal with her upbringing with a lot of emotional meaning–

and meanwhile my poor dad is just convinced that he’s been haunted by some citrus poltergeist because why the fuck are there always oranges in his bag he swears he did not put there???

What I'd give for one of the Cinderella remakes to go into how when you're in an isolated and abusive situation, sometimes you need to be saved and you're not weak if you can't escape by yourself

I've never been a fan of bad faith reinterpretations of fairy tales, especially ones which flatten the originals into "princesses is saved by a prince and nothing else", to then go #girlboss. The princess can save herself because she's a strong female character! (Implying if you're in a bad situation, it's because you're not strong enough to get out)

today my wisdom is: the ecological crisis of our planet is not a thing that will Suddenly destroy us sometime in the next century—it has taken decades of continuous work for our biosphere to be preserved thus far, and it will take decades more of continuous work to continue preserving it.

The apocalypse is not a single event hovering in the future bearing down on us while we sit helplessly. We are at least 150 years into an ongoing "apocalypse."

Things will continue to steadily get worse without steady action, but "augh! it's already too late to stop climate change and mass extinctions!" is specifically the worst response

Amatonormativity has destroyed so many people's understanding and acceptance of themselves, and it's heartbreaking.

Yes, it is normal to be in your 20s, 30s, or older and not have lost your virginity, had a first kiss, or a partner. It is normal to say that you aren't ready for those things, too! It is normal if your life doesn't follow the "college graduate -> engagement -> buying a home -> 2.5 kids and a dog" trajectory that so many people have idealized.

So many people associate maturity with losing your virginity, or having a first kiss, or a serious relationship, and I think that's a dangerous association. Maturity isn't gained through those things, and you don't have to have those experiences to be considered "mature" or "grown." It is not a bad thing to go at your pace. Nobody else can live your life but you. If you end up having those experiences, that's great! But it should be done because you want to experience them, not because you feel "broken" and "immature" without them.

A friend once told me that when they are struggling with getting laundry done, she pretends it is her sworn duty to smuggle the young prince out of the castle to safety, disguised in a laundry hamper.

Now, when I am struggling with hygiene, I pretend I am part of a village with an annual festival, and I get one day a year to spend luxuriously at a bathhouse in preparation.

What my friend imparted on me was the skill of turning mundane tasks into fantastical adventures to make them more compelling and bearable.

So next time you need to go on a mental health walk, maybe consider doing reconnaissance for a secret underground organisation.

Next time cooking is too much of a chore, consider you ability to turn space station rations into a feast to the delight of your crewmates.

things i learned from my therapist

Asking for help takes courage and is not a sign of weakness.

All emotions are valid, including the uncomfortable ones.

Insightfulness is a useful skill when managing mental health.

When dealing with negative self talk, remember: if it’s something you wouldn’t say about a friend, why say it about yourself?

Reframing negative thoughts. “I’m worthless” —> “I feel worthless because xyz.” “I’m unproductive” —> “I would like to make better use of my time.”

Describing conflicting feelings with and instead of but. “I feel good and I’m having anxious thoughts.” “I have people that love me and I feel lonely.”

The phrase “I am having a scary thought right now, and I am safe.”

Resting and keeping busy are both equally important types of self-care. Same goes for me-time and socializing. Balance is the key.

Coping skills can and should be used even if you aren’t actively in distress.

Having an episode is like having a “brain attack.” It’s unexpected, but treatable.

When worried about worst case scenarios, ask yourself: “Will I be able to live with it?”

Healing takes time, but more importantly it takes willing, conscious effort.

Having a mental illness is like having a full time job. Don’t feel bad for devoting so much time and energy into it.

PSA info from my therapist since I started keeping a journal:

You're not supposed to read back in it. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO READ WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY WRITTEN. The journal is for purging thoughts and emotions, and when you read back over what you've written, you're just reintroducing those thoughts and feelings back into your head. It creates a spiral of wallowing in and perpetuating your own negative emotions, never letting yourself move past them. Reading your journal can literally make you worse.

friendly reminders:

you don't have to be productive every day

you are worthy even if all you did today was get out of bed

there are people out there who care about you

your existence makes a difference

if something bothers you, then it bothers you. no one has the right to tell you otherwise

you are allowed to take up space

there is no 'right way' to grieve

you cannot put a time limit on emotions

your likes and interests are valid and they matter

it's okay to take your time in doing things. not everyone can do everything at the same pace

[rough draft] Sympathy, Empathy, Compassion and Altruism

relatability 

the quality of being easy to understand or feel sympathy for

- from your own perspective

sympathy 

- removed from the experience another person has: 

 - currently not having the “same” experience as another person currently has or never having experienced something similar as the other person

 - always from your own perspective; doesn’t require imagination; ignorant of, or purposely distancing yourself from another person’s perspective

 -> suppressing the other person’s feelings (usually internally pushing their feelings aside) and at times also your own 

 -> can include overlooking subtle signs and only taking surface meanings

 -> act of commiseration - acknowledgment that you can not possibly feel the same way or truly share another’s grief, but that you can understand it (which may or may not be true) / feeling or expressing that you know what the other person is experiencing regardless whether you actually do (as in: no direct knowledge of how the other person actually feels)

 -> a lot of judgment; can lead to giving unasked advice

 -> often without actionable advice or additional input that may diminish the sufferer’s state of mind 

1. (a feeling or expression of) understanding and care, as well as maybe feeling sorry for another person who is suffering or has problems that have caused unhappiness (trouble, grief, misfortune, etc.)

2. (a feeling or expression of) agreement; inclination to think or feel alike: emotional or intellectual accord

3. (a feeling or expression of) support; feeling of loyalty: tendency to favor    

4. an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other [includes 2. and 3.]

compassion 

awareness of and caring about another person’s distress together with a desire to alleviate it (/ to help them)  

three to five key elements of compassion:

Recognizing another’s suffering

Understanding that other people suffer

(Having feelings for another’s suffering)

(Dealing with uncomfortable feelings)

Feeling compelled to act or alleviate the suffering

- can be sympathetic or empathetic

empathy

- removed from the experience another person has:

 - currently not having the “same” experience as the other person currently has or never having experienced something similar as the other person

 - always at least partially from another person’s perspective; requires imagination

  -> acknowledging both your own and another person’s emotions

  -> can include being sensitive to all kinds of non-verbal cues

  -> (at least partial) sharing in what another person is experiencing

  -> no judgment; just listening to another person

  -> possibly actionable advice or additional input that may diminish the sufferer’s state of mind

general definition: understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another person of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

1. cognitive empathy: knowing how another person feels and what they might be thinking; also called perspective-taking

- concerned with: thought, understanding, intellect

- benefits: understanding diverse viewpoints, motivating other people, helps in negotiations

- pitfalls: can be disconnected from or ignore deep emotions; doesn’t put you in another person’s shoes in a felt sense

2. affective / emotional empathy: feeling physically along with another person, as though their emotions were contagious

- concerned with: feelings, physical sensation, mirror neurons in the brain

- benefits: first response with children and for our loved ones, close interpersonal relationships

- can be overwhelming or inappropriate in many circumstances

3. compassionate empathy: taking the “middle ground” between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy, and using emotional intelligence to effectively respond to the situation with loving detachment

-> taking the “middle ground” between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy thanks to the connection between thoughts and feelings:

 - considering both the felt senses and intellectual situation of another person without losing your center

-> balancing mindfulness with compassionate caring

- concerned with: intellect, emotion, action

- benefits: considers the whole person

- pitfalls: ? (maybe that it takes time and energy: both developing the necessary components and balancing act, as well as the actual act of compassionate empathy)

Important: 

Having low empathy doesn’t make anyone a bad person. This might be the case when there’s a severe lack of emotional empathy, which is true for psychopaths. However, they can still act kind, act responsible, etc.. So even that is disputable. Cognitive empathy is helpful in order to better understand someone, but if you can truly listen to them, then it isn’t the end of the world if your cognitive empathy isn’t that much developed though I recommend to work on it. Better understanding always helps.

Both sympathy and empathy are important in their own ways depending on situations. However, in the end it’s compassion that makes the difference.

altruism

unselfish regard for, or devotion to the welfare of others:

- the attitude of caring about others and doing acts that help them although you do not get anything by doing those acts

- willingness to do things that bring advantages to others, even if it results in disadvantage for yourself

Femme Fatale Guide: Tips To Become More Emotionally Intelligent

Embrace self-awareness & self-reflection: Observe how you feel, behave, and how people generally respond to your words/actions in different situations

Practice self-regulation: Learn to differentiate between your feelings and the actions that would be appropriate in a specific setting or interaction. Internalize that feelings are fleeting and non-factual. You're in control of how you respond/(don't) act on these emotions

Engage in active listening: Pay attention to what others are saying with the intent of understanding, not responding

Focus on emotional differentiation: Understand where your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and opinions end and another person's identity/perception begins

Display radical empathy and acceptance: Understand that almost all people's words and actions result from their own beliefs, past experiences, and current life circumstances/priorities. Put yourself in their shoes when attempting to understand their choices, behaviors, and times they come to you to discuss a problem, success, or major life decision. Accept that you can only control what you do. Very little of other people's actions/the world's workings are personal. Things are happening around you, not to you

Let go of your ego: View yourself as objectively as possible with the potential for improvement. Abolish any superior complex or overwhelming desire to prove your self-importance in others' lives and decisions

Remain open-minded: Question your own beliefs and opinions. Stay curious as to why you believe them to be true/authentic to you. Allow your opinions to change or have the capacity to modify your beliefs upon hearing new information. Understand your worldview and values are valid, but they're not definitively correct beliefs, just because they resonate/feel comfortable for you

Be receptive to feedback: Embrace constructive criticism as a self-improvement tool. Approach it with curiosity and optimism, not as a personal attack

Differentiate between your feelings and capabilities: Your thoughts are not facts. Remember you can do things you don't feel like doing most of the time (work, waking up in the morning, working out, etc.). Learn the difference between being a slave to your emotions and genuinely running out of energy

How to Stop Procrastinating by Managing Your Emotions

Procrastination happens when we delay doing things, and it's often connected to our emotions. Feelings like being afraid to fail, feeling worried or stressed, getting bored, or lacking motivation can all contribute to procrastination. To stop procrastinating and get more things done, it's important to learn how to handle our emotions better.

Boredom:

Break the task into smaller, more engaging sub-tasks.

Find ways to make the task more interesting or challenging.

Set a timer and work on the task for a specific amount of time, followed by a short break doing something enjoyable.

Feeling Overwhelmed:

Prioritize tasks and focus on one thing at a time.

Break the task into smaller, more manageable steps.

Delegate some parts of the task if possible or seek help from others.

Use tools like to-do lists or task management apps to stay organized.

Anxiety:

Practice deep breathing or mindfulness techniques to calm yourself.

Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and realistic ones.

Start with the easier or less intimidating aspects of the task to build momentum.

Set realistic expectations and remind yourself that it's okay to make mistakes.

Self-Doubt:

Focus on past accomplishments and successes to boost your confidence.

Seek support or feedback from others to gain reassurance.

Remind yourself of your skills and capabilities to tackle the task.

Use positive affirmations to counteract negative self-talk.

Perfectionism:

Embrace the concept of "good enough" rather than seeking perfection.

Set realistic and achievable goals for each task.

Recognize that mistakes and imperfections are part of the learning process and growth.

Indecisiveness:

Break decisions into smaller steps and make one small decision at a time.

Set a time limit for making decisions to avoid overthinking.

Trust your instincts and make the best decision you can with the information available.

Apathy or Lack of Interest:

Find aspects of the task that align with your values or long-term goals.

Break the task into smaller, more manageable parts and focus on completing one at a time.

Reward yourself for completing the task to make it more appealing.

Stress or Burnout:

Practice stress-reduction techniques such as meditation, exercise, or spending time in nature.

Break tasks into smaller steps to reduce the feeling of overwhelm.

Prioritize self-care and take breaks to avoid burnout.

Feeling Uninspired or Creatively Blocked:

Engage in activities that stimulate creativity, such as brainstorming, mind mapping, or seeking inspiration from others' work.

Start with a simple and basic version of the task to get the creative juices flowing.

Collaborate with others or seek feedback to gain new perspectives.

Fear of Success:

Identify and challenge the negative beliefs or fears that may be holding you back.

Visualize the positive outcomes of completing the task successfully.

Focus on the benefits and personal growth that come with success.

Impatience:

Break long-term goals into smaller milestones to track progress.

Practice mindfulness to stay present and patient throughout the process.

Remind yourself that progress takes time and effort.

Lack of Confidence:

Celebrate your past accomplishments to boost your confidence.

Seek support and encouragement from friends, family, or mentors.

Focus on building specific skills related to the task to increase confidence.

Avoiding Discomfort:

Acknowledge that discomfort is a natural part of growth and improvement.

Break tasks into smaller steps and tackle the more challenging aspects gradually.

Remind yourself of the long-term benefits of facing discomfort.

Overestimating Future Motivation:

Practice discipline and commit to starting tasks even when motivation is low.

Set specific deadlines for tasks to create a sense of urgency.

Establish a routine that includes regular work on the task to build consistency.

consider: teenagers aren’t apathetic about everything they’re just used to you shitting all over whatever they show excitement about