I'm Literally So Grateful To The Gods. I Prayed And Prayed And Prayed, I Tried My Hardest Even Though

i’m having constant nightmares anymore. this isn’t fucking fair.

strawberry smoke, watching hockey, reading good books, ice skating, the best dessert i’ve ever had in my entire life- life is so wonderful with him <3

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.

Untitled 9.20.23 Excerpt - "...casually smoking cigarettes out of the window of my childhood home. I don't know if it's the way the tar fills my lungs, or how the sad folk music plays softly in the background, or maybe it's the cold September breeze and the way I can see the stars- but I trust that the Gods will take care of me. I have no other choice. For tonight, I have given up. They have gotten me this far, and all of the pain has to be for a reason- right? I quietly pray into the night, for a best friend/soulmate to come back to me (I couldn't bear watching that stupid band play), for good grades, for my friends, for my ever-aging cat. I pray that my fate fares well, and that this horrible feeling passes quick."

there’s a lot of things that i wish people saw about me but don’t. i wish people saw past my few episodes where i succumb to my symptoms. i wish people saw just how much i want to be good, to not be the way i feel i was cursed to be. i wish people saw that i pray for random people on tiktok going through hard things, and bawl my eyes out every time something sad hits my fyp. i wish people saw that i love stories and storytelling to get me through all that i’ve gone through. i wish people saw me as kind and caring and gentle and beautiful. i wish people saw how hard i try, in all aspects of my life. i wish people saw me in any way other than this horrible, mentally ill, unfeeling monster. i wish i wish i wish.

This is the sacred duck he got an important message:

there is nothing better than praying to my Gods. i thank them nearly every day but i want to especially thank them for the blessings and grace they have extended towards my life. may my prayers continue to be heard, and may they bless me with this opportunity tomorrow. i’m nervous, but i know that everything that happens does so for a reason.

blessed be everyone <3

i don’t think anyone actually cares about me, i wish someone did. i wish things could just be enough, but there is a void inside my rib cage. and the thing is that no one gets it, there is no one around me anymore who actually understands because i just push everyone until they can’t handle me anymore. i want to not be here anymore.

i think my tumblr is scientific evidence for bpd mood swings

i miss him so much. i miss his quick wit, i miss his comforting presence, i miss the constant companionship, i miss the everything about him.

it’s so hard missing someone your brain created, that because i am doing better they took my friend away.

i don’t know what to do, how to fix this pain.