I’m Obviously Sad How Hard Would It Be To Say You Love Me, Or Maybe Try Sending Something To Cheer

:/ both splitting on people and stockholm syndrome are so fucking stupid. i want to rip my ribs off one by one and throw my heart at the wall and just watch it splatter.

ugh i’m bored, need a new fp to obsess over to keep shit interesting. 🙄

(1.30.23) - head hanging out the second story window, i let the strawberry smoke fill my lungs. i glance at my watch. 120. it hasn’t lowered all day. i tell myself that it’s just a bad day, that i’ll quit again tomorrow.

the pennsylvanian winter chill hits my face when the breeze blows. there’s a bird calling that i recognize but can’t quite place right now. texts from my only two friends lay unanswered because i don’t know how to tell them what i’m feeling.

i silently wonder if the devil ever feels cursed. if he too sometimes didn’t have the strength in him, because being rotten at the core is truly exhausting.

an ache of pain disturbs the thought. the all consuming anxiety follows. this semester feels as if it will kill me. learning to walk again while desperately trying to memorize an entire taxonomic language is just too much.

i try to glamorize it, to revel in the tasks the women in my books love. to tell myself that this is the life of a girl in the scribe quadrant, that dragons are real and true love exists.

my cat jumps up, she sticks her head out too and sniffs the breeze. she is the only solace my soul finds these days, her and the fluffy stories i fill my head with when i try to outrun these thoughts. the ones where i have a friend group who loves me like family and a man who sees the stars in my eyes. the stories where i am not seen as a monster, but as gentle and kind.

i want to die, to be quite honest. i am in the wrong reality. there is no found family waiting for me, nor a man to write me letters assuring me that i am nothing but angelic golden light. there is just fatherly pain and the weight of the world on my shoulders.

words from howl by Florence + the machine

i needed that praise- i needed you ten years ago. i learned how to live with a present but absent father, i learned how to live with the years of emotional abuse and pain, i learned that nothing i can do is ever right or enough.

i don’t need you now, it’s too little too late. leave me the fuck alone.

i'm sorry for the awful audio of the spoken word, i am not sorry for my emotion.

school and life is so draining, i just don’t even have the energy to write out my emotions. i’m just sick of being borderline and of being tied to [REDACTED] in this way. all i can do is keep praying and doing what i can, and maybe eventually through those i’ll get out of this damn labyrinth of suffering.

me when i’m off my meds lol

when you're a child and you stay up past your bedtime you get punished by your parents, when you're an adult and you stay up too late you just get punished by the ghosts and spirits and demons and such

I MADE A FRIEND!! i’m going to try my hardest to resist the bpd urge to put all of my eggs into one basket and stop interacting with other potential friends,, but he seems super cool and nice and reminds me of michael in some ways but idkkkk

i tried to see if anyone from my past wanted to be friends n no one did, so onwards we march 🫡

may the gods bless this new friend and hopefully he sticks around!!

5.30.23 - Profit off the Psychiatry. (excerpt)

My parents don't like the smell of the incense i burn. Its religious. They complain about it behind my back, like they do me.