Reasons To Live-

I wanna bitch slap my roommate

I feel fucking pathetic, it's the new years and I'm sitting on the bathroom floor and crying fuck

TW suicide

Um, I keep watching new shows and new books and stuff so that I could be like oh let this one be over oh let this get over so that I don't reach the peak of suicidal thought? And um I just want a new therapist and proper therapy plan so that I could get Better Or in scared that I will reach and maybe go over that peak maueb

If you don't support me at my-

-being loudly queer

-feminist rants

-passionate lectures about my interests

-therapy talk and mental breakdowns

you don't deserve me at my-

-certificates

-positive recognition from authority figures

-published articles

-accomplishments/wins

I won't show you the good parts if you're not accepting or supportive of my "bad parts"; i don't want anyone's 'congrats' if it doesn't also come with 'i hear you'; i don't want to be seen when there's a light shining on me if you turn your cheek when there's a dark stormy cloud above my head; before asking me- 'why didn't you tell us, this is such a good thing', remember the time when you said- 'don't speak about yourself too much, it's not appropriate'; don't chastise my silence if you've ever ignored my voice. fin.

“Blood may be thicker than water, but shared community and experience are thicker than both” – Alice Austen Lived Here, Alex Gino.

In this world, we keep hearing how important it is to function as a society. We create arbitrary norms about relationships, marriage and gender, and thrust people onto a stage where their true selves can never be exposed - where they have to live a performance. Ironically, it those who perform their lives, their identity, that truly live – queer people, living loudly, who thrive as a community. From lived experience – however short that may be – I have witnessed connections bloom in under seconds between queer people in a way I have never between cishet people; mutual aid, a no-questions-asked kind of support, a sense of belonging, of security, of authenticity pervades queer gatherings and relationships.

As discussions arose about amatonormativity and relationship anarchy, I came to a startling realization that amatonormativity, however ingrained, dominates cishet circles very differently from how it exists in queer spaces. To be queer is to be a part of something much larger than you; it is to find kindred spirits in people ten years younger and twenty-five years older than us; it is to know that I am we, and we are one; it is to be tethered to people who lived a century ago who never used the words we do now, but lived our existences; it is to understand that who we are don’t start or end with us – we are from a long line of survivors who fought to be seen, to be heard, and thus, as a patient tells April Kepner on Grey’s Anatomy, it is our duty to practice ‘tikkun olam’, to endeavor to put together the rest of this broken world for our fellow baby queers. In the end, what it means for individuals is that our community makes us stronger, prouder.

And because of this, while monogamous romantic/+sexual relationships are placed at the top of a hierarchy even amongst queer people, it is not as much a fixed triangle as cishet relationships of the same type are. Because being queer is about finding our non-biological family; and the people we choose on our journey to be our people inspire our identity, shape our life, and establish bonds which cannot be unglued. Friendships between queer people transcend false beliefs about platonic relationships. Because of a long history of disownment, estrangement, and exclusion from biological relations and peers, queer communities are a family in their own right. As we see in Anne With An E, You Me Her, Glee, and so, so many other shows, queer people need other queer people – not just for emotional support, but to know where we come from, to belong, to learn, and to know what could be.

Unfortunately, amatonormativity does persist in monogamous, polyamorous, queer and cishet relationships – and it can only be destroyed with reclaiming our autonomy, destroying long-held beliefs, banning the institution of marriage (just kidding… maybe), and the rise of community. Fortunately, this baby has started walking beautifully (was that an intentional wordplay on ‘baby steps’? Yes, yes it was. Mighty proud of it, I am); all we now need is a village to nurture this baby.

-kpm

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

mesh

I want the kind of love shared by Christina Yang and Meredith Grey; the kind of love shared by friends who’re soulmates; the kind of love where I will never feel like an outsider in my own relationship, no matter what kind it may be; the kind of love where no matter what stupid shit I spout, I will be met with fond exasperation and never scorn or judgement; I want the kind of love where anything problematic I say or do will be received with grace, a space for remorse, and reparation; the kind of love where my quiet, empty days will be accepted, and my boisterous ones appreciated; the kind of love with whom I can get drunk as fuck with without hesitation; the kind of love I feel safe sleeping on their shoulder with; the kind of love for whom I wouldn’t regret giving my all and more to; the kind of love who understands which love language I need to be communicated with on what day; the kind of love where there are no blips in communication; the kind of love where there is no fear of being too much or not enough; the kind of love where I feel I am the exact right amount of me; the kind of love who won’t attach sexual overtones to physical intimacy; the kind of love where my mind immediately hollers their name when I muse about whom to share my writings with because it knows they’d want to read it; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our most rotten parts to; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our best parts to; the kind of love that is not romantic and not platonic and not sexual; the kind of love where I can regress when I feel soft; the kind of love where I can rage when I feel small; the kind of love where you choose each other, where you stay decisively, love purposefully; the kind of love you are at home in.

 [p.s- wanting ≠ lacking]

 -kpm ©

Ace/aro books coming out this year that I’m looking forward to!

Is Love the Answer by Uta Isaki - stand-alone manga about a college girl who discovers she is aroace. The same mangaka also did ‘Mine-kun is Asexual’ a couple of years ago which I liked, though it was much shorter, so I’m happy to see a full length release from them. This came out just last week, so I’m super excited to read it when it gets here!

I want to be a wall (Vol.2) by Honami Shirono - manga series - releasing 17th Jan. I already posted about how much I enjoyed Vol 1 of this series, but for recap it’s about an aroace woman and her lavender marriage to a gay man who is unrequitedly in love with his best friend. I’m really excited to see how their non-conventional relationship plays out :) it’s very slice of life and cozy!

I am Ace by Cody Daigle-Orians aka Ace Dad Advice - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’m glad to see a book about a sexuality actually written for an ace audience, because I feel like a lot of aspec books/articles are aimed at raising awareness with allos. I’m excited to see how this one goes!

Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else - by Kayla Kaszyca and Sarah Costello - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’ve listened to their podcast a bit over the years and I’m curious to see what they come up with in this book!

If you want to see a fuller list of all the ace and aro books coming out this year, check out this list HERE!

It's all support people with ADHD until they-- act "irresponsibly", ask for "special treatment", exhibit "difficult" symptoms.

It's all support people with BPD until they--act "immature", are "too sensitive", "unnecessarily emotional"

And so much more that I don't have the energy to list.

Fuck this shit.

What happened with Achan how it led to self harm.

Me feeling like I don't belong anywhere, nowhere feels tight cause conflicts in both places and passively wanna die.

Me being here doesn't make any difference to anybody, life will continue as usual, I'm not important.