I Feel Like I'm Wasting My Life Doing

the way i would give up my life and my soul and my entire being for Samira Wiley should be a little concerning-

I feel like there's no point to anything. The only thing I do everyday, the entire day, is stay on my phone or my laptop or sleep or eat, nothing else. I feel so drained and demotivated and just so empty.

I'm such a horrible person. I'm a terrible fucking person. I feel no emotional connection to anybody, I can't feel at all, but this is

I don't deserve people, I don't deserve anybody, I only deserve to die and fuck. I feel like I'm using everyone in my family and I feel like I'm a fucking monster of a friend. When pellle tell me that they miss me, I feel absolutely nothing. I feel so entho pole around Ammi that today when I was acting annoyed she legit told me that I don't even let her come near me anymore, in a whiney way but I know she genuinely feels bad about it and I'm a fucking horrible person and god why am I like yhis why eh why

When I opened up to my friend when she was doing a case study on me about the time Achan and I had a slightly troubled conflict vaala relationship I felt so fucking guilty because he's really nice and stuff and here I am talking bad about him, even if it isn't actually talking bad about him because I didn't say anything bad about him just what had happened but my brain is convinced that I was talking bad about him and I'm a bad person and I deserve to die and there's nothing for me to do than diw

I don't want to go back not because of corona or whatever I don't want to go back because I'm scared to be lonely and no one seems to take that seriously and they don't seem to realise how fucking painful it is for me to feel lonely. I don't know if people with bpd experience loneliness differently from nts but fucking hell I can't go back to something like that I can't I can't I can't I don't want to leave home and go back to my PG please please please

But I'm missing classes and I'll have to go back for exams but I won't be ready for that because I don't even feel like all this is happening in this reality, I can't comprehend that college is actually going on and classes are being took until someone talks to me about it, otherwise I'm completely detached and fuck I'm going to fail I'm not going to be able to write anything and on top on all this I'll just be a sad fucking disappoingment

My therapist is amazing he really is really good but my therapy sessions aren't stable and continuous and I have a feeling he thinks my diagnosis is a mild one so that's why I don't need as many sessions, I think so, I dunno but I do, I do, I do I really do but I don't know to tell him and I read and I see these therapists and therapy sessions in the stuff I read and I want something like that I want to properly work on this and be able to feel stiff like a functional human being and I want to stop living through life feeling empty not feeling any emotion not feeling like I have a proper connection with people not feeling like I love people

I went out with Sanju yesterday or day before or something and it was no nice but I'm trying to control myself and not feel too emotionally attached like I used to, maybe she's my fp or something cause she's the only person i um feel intense emotions towards, but that too isn't like typical emotions so I dunno. Anyway I've been trying to put as much distance between ourselves so it won't become that bad again so even if that means I won't ever get to be her best friend again like before it's okay because I don't think I can go through so much mental fucking pain again and I never want to treat her like how I treated her back then so I'll do my best to handle my emotions and if tgat means not being able to be like before then it's okay I'll suffer through her being close yo Sanjana and Aswathy and never me not me and I'll support her when she has boyfriends who she tells me about and I'll try to be a good friend the best I can because that's all I can fucking be because she doesn't know about queer platonic relationshios and she wooldnt want to be in one because she's a straight person who wants boyfrienfd and wouldn't want to be stuck with me and even if we do become best friends again I'll never be able to always hang out with her like I want to because we'll be far away from each other and because even though I'm platonically in love with her it would never work out she wouldn't be into it at all and it's as impossible and me being a functional human bueng so yeah and since I've properly convinced myself of that it doesn't hurt as bad and it's okay sometimes I let myself feel it when I think about the non-possibility sometimes rarely when I'm really happy like when she texted me first but that's only for a shoet moment cause I know how to control myself better now so yay

Um I'm a bad person, like, a really bad person. I'm rude with my mom and I don't even know why or if it's a defense mechanism or if it's something I'm just used to or whatever, but I don't even know and I feel guilty when she buys me stuff cUse I'm still not "nice" and I feel like I Dont deserve anything she does fit me and I don't kmoe and I can't show appreciation or gratitude because I'm fucking emotionally blunted when it comes to her and I feel like I'm this person she wastes time effort money and love on and that I deserve to die and that my mom wouldn't have so many conflicts and other emotional issues anymore cause I'm the cause, direct or indirect, for all that. And today I didn't wanna go back to my dad's house cause we'd come here only a few days ago and I knew we'd stay here at my mom's house only for a few days cause I had to go back to college soon so I asked her a week ago if we could come tjen but she said no and today I was pissed cause of that cause I knew this would happen I knew it and I told her I wasn't going today and after some arguing she agreed and she told my dad she couldn't drive cause she had a headache and a stomach ache and I couldn't help but think that it was because of me because I didn't wanna yo back today and what if the universe had listened to me and caused that and it was cause of that that Ammi actually did have aches its all my fault my fault my fault and I can't help thinking about deayh and stuff and feeling anxious and feeling lole I wanna cry and rn my only solace is that if any of my loved ones that then I have suicide as an option then and I know it's so fucking problematic and just wrong but that's the only thing that makes me not have a complete mental breakdown over such thoughts and I don't even know why my heads like this and guvk I wish I could get better

I'm on a trip with my family and my family friends right now and I'm hiding in the toilet because I feel left out 😬

Please help me feel less pathetic.

But the thing is I'm pretty sure it's all in my head - well, atleast most of it. I feel like my family friends wouldn't care if I hadn't been here, my existence doesn't make a single difference. Cause, like, when I'm in my room or away from them cause I feel left out, they don't seek me out. I have to seek them out. And other stuff, other insecurities, y'know?

And my cousin is here and she's small, and I can't control myself, leave that - my brain is empty and my thoughts don't forewarn what my mouth is about to say and so I say things which are rude to her even though she's super sweet and loves me a lot and I feel like a fucking dick because I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve to be loved. I want to die. (and urgh, before you report it or whatever, I'm not gonna attempt suicide 🙄 this is the only platform I can be as pathetic as I want and remain anonymous and blunt, don't ruin that for me because you have a saviour complex - I don't actually mean that, but tbh I really got annoyed at the post which told people to report posts which mention even a lil bit of own vaala death. Nothing is going to happen except that the post will be taken down. And even if something does, it's going to be fucking messed up cause I'm not going to die of suicide anytime soon. I wouldn't be venting here if I was)

what I genuinely CANNOT comprehend is how adults find it remotely acceptable to use the "I'm the earning member" / "I pay the rent" / "this is my house" argument towards children and actively encourage it but when used towards a non earning spouse it's acknowledged as being abusive? So you admit that you don't see your children as autonomous individuals with basic human rights?

"you can't wear that in my house. you can become an earning member and buy a house and do whatever you want there" directed towards a child is okay but directed towards, for example, a homemaker wife, is abuse? make it make sense how the former ISN'T?

Why tf does someone need to be over 18 to have basic body autonomy? Why tf does a person need to be an earning member to be considered as a person having inherent worth/dignity/for their word to be taken into consideration (at the very least)?

I have witnessed leftists who believe in prisoners rights justifying spanking and I don't understand. If you can understand that people in power hitting incarcerated people to "correct" them is a violation of human rights and an abuse of authority, how do you not understand the same logic when it comes to parents and children?

People who complain about power and abuse of power rarely acknowledge one of the most primary forms of abuse of power - against children. And that's just hypocrisy at its finest.

Pls temme as a prsn with BPD to belivr ppl when they say Dey not annoyed or Dey enjoyed company, gtta learn trusy

I feel so fucking lonely

um, so I feel really buzz-y and blank and I genuinely cannot focus on anything, I have absolutely no motivation - it's not like I'm drained, but rather empty (if that difference makes sense). The socio thing is coming up, everyone's (Poline, Swathi and Rheena in our group) discussing about it, they even did a video call to discuss and they sent the points in the group, I said I wasn't in the mood for studying, so I didn't join the call - but everything just went over my head. I didn't read anything they sent and I'm not sure I'm going to cause my head's been feeling woozy and I don't know how I'm going to submit the damn assignment on Monday.

And I'm not stressed because I can't feel anything, I'm forcing my brain and my mind to atleast remember that there's an assignment due, but it's as if I have no object permenance - I don't even remember that there's this thing until or unless they talk about it, and when they do, I ignore it because it goes completely over my head.

I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do anything this semester because it's been this way for months. Swathi was talking about exams prolly coming up and I was like shut the fuck up because I can't even imagine what's it going to be like ( I didn't tell her anything of course, cause it's a 'me' problem and not a 'they' problem ). I'm not scared, I'm not stressed, I don't feel anything and even as I'm sending this I don't feel any of this, I just feel empty and I know this is supposed to evoke some sort of tension, but it isn't, so I just don't know what to do.

funny (not really) how the same people who find certain professions/occupations "dishonorable" and "degrading" have no issue availing services of the people who do those jobs. If you want to avail someone's services, respect what they do or fuck off.