Mj: I Don’t Really Have Friends

Most insane pipeline known to man:

Help your younger sister pass her university assignment -> Accidently end up as a part of the rebellion to overthrow the tyrannical president

they told me not to bring a knife to a gunfight. they didn’t say anything about webs

it gets to the point where reporters start asking the rest of the batfam about it cuz they can’t get a straight answer.

they forgot the batfam is a bunch of assholes.

dick: they were born of the same laugh, but cass had to live in the winter woods

jason: they swapped bodies too often and started resembling each other

stephanie: they’re biologically twins, they just have different parents

damian: drake got surgery to look more like cain. he was even more disgusting before.

duke: they’re from the shining, swear on my life

bruce: of course they’re twins. it’s just that cassandra was born earlier.

so my siblings look like twins (they are not) and once again my bullshit brain was like hmmmm batfam. So here. Have some Cass and Tim twin content. Featuring my siblings’ and I’s answers to:

”are you twins?”

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Tim: we used to be.

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Cass: Legally? No. Biologically? No. Genetically? Also no.

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Tim: you can see her too?

Cass: *fucking disappears*

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Tim: we are, but we were separated at birth so she’s older now.

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Cass: That’s a long story. So here it is! It all started in the summer of 1783…..

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Tim: well, not until after the accident.

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Cass: After the witch got us, no.

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Tim: She’s actually a failed clone experiment. Or was that me? -

Cass: he’s actually adopted but we are biological twins.

- Tim: yes but we have separate fathers. - Cass: *Ditto from Pokémon sounds* - Tim: Well you see I was an only child for 15 years but around 1444 I was standing in the swamp, covered in frogs, but these frogs had human eyes. They also had human feet but that’s not relevant to the story— that’s when the biggest, Jeramiah, started to speak… - Cass: father actually summoned us from hell so we’re not related in any way except that we both possessed the same body for a while until Tim got a separate one. - Tim: I had one but she died five years ago this very day. She died in a tragic bathroom accident. Fell in the toilet.

“you’re just thinking it’s a small thing that happened; the world ended when it happened to me” (it’s steve and tony in civil war guys)

Headcanon that Jason hated taking pills as a kid, partially due to trauma from being on the streets, but mostly because he's like 10 and they're just yucky

But he's also a kid with ✨️allergies✨️

And Bruce has tried everything. Bribing, begging, being stern, bargaining, everything.

But one day he gets the brilliant idea to hide the pill in a snack and give it to him then, and what do you know, it fucking works

And that's just how he continues to sneak allergy pills into Jason's system

Until Dick catches him and can't stop laughing because, "That's how you give dogs medicine."

And Bruce is mortified at the realization that he's been treating his son like a dog.. But like, it works, regardless, and it's the only thing that works

Years and a pit later, Jason's an adult and his allergies are acting up again so he asks Bruce if he has any allergy meds, and out of pure muscle memory, Bruce reaches for the snack cabinet before he stops and remembers that Jason's an adult now, so he just grabs the medicine bottle and tosses it to him

And that's when it finally clicks for Jason that everytime Bruce gave him a 'random treat,' as a child, it was deception

And he's never felt more betrayed

Lucy Gray should be proud to know she haunted that evil man every damn day of his fucking miserable life

I hate them

no matter what your most embarrassing moment in life is, at least it’s not having fucking chat gpt write fanfic for you bc you’re too lazy to do it yourself

Damian Wayne gets caught by the press while sneaking away and hanging out in civilian clothing with Red Hood and Bruce finding out they know each other isn’t even his biggest problem. his biggest problem is that the interviewer asked what his connection is to the crime lord and why they have on camera the guy calling Damian ‘habibi’, and, panicking about whether or not Bruce seeing this interview could leak Jason’s identity, to throw him off the trail Damian said that Red Hood is his parent.

Interviewer: wait. but… i thought that Bruce Wayne was your biological father?

Damian, panicking even more because both Jason and Bruce would kill him if people thought that Brucie Wayne was the Red Hood’s identity: what, don’t you support trans people? Hood was my mother.

Jason only finds out what Damian did when after a week of confusedly nodding at the trans pride pins people kept wearing and pointing out to him on the street, and Damian refusing to look him in the eye, Nightwing shows up during patrol crying laughing about how Bruce Wayne got asked during a gala about his secret affair with a crime lord and held his champagne glass so tightly it exploded in his hands.

Bruce, on the other hand, got sent the interview clip by Tim halfway through breakfast, whereupon hearing the audio start Damian climbed out the nearest window to get away. after a slightly paranoid text to Talia about whether or not she was in Gotham wearing a face covering helmet every night, be proceeds to freak the fuck out. he has no idea who the Red Hood is, or how Damian knows him. He also has no clue that Red Hood knows HIS identity, and fully plans on showing up to Wayne events in the helmet to antagonise Bruce by stealing food and demanding they talk about the ‘custody arrangements’ of their son. all he knows is that Damian broke a window in his haste to Not Explain Anything, and that Dick and Tim are wheezing hysterically on the other side of the house.