TW!!: Suicidal Thoughts

Snowflakes

TW!!: suicidal thoughts

Word count: 1 200

Sirius slipped away from the party, when no one could see, or care. He walked up to their dorm, closing the door behind him. He thought about locking it, but nobody would come here anyway. James was too busy trying to make Lily go out with him, Peter was with Marlene, and he didn't even know where Remus was. And no one else would care where he was, not that those three did either.

He brushed a hand through his hair, going to sit on a chair. He pulled out some parchment as well as a quill and ink. He looked out of the window. It had started snowing. First time this year, it'll probably melt by tomorrow, he thought.

Looking back down at the paper in front of him, he couldn't exactly find the words to explain his thoughts, not nicely at least. He dipped his quill in the ink and started to write.

//I'm sorry-

A knock on the door made him drop his quill and made the ink leak to the paper, making a mess out of the words he wrote. He looked out of the window, he could see the black lake, and some of the forbidden forest. He hadn't even noticed the tears going down his cheeks as he let the thoughts in his head take over.

He heard the door open, and close. He heard someone walking closer to him. He heard someone sitting down at the bed that was next to the desk, it was James' bed.

But the comer wasn't James because James would've said something as soon as he came to the room, and James' steps were loud and noticeable. If it had been James, he would have walked all over the dorm to find something and talk about how lily had once again said no.

It wasn't Peter either because his steps were heavy, and he always stepped on the one floorboard that creaked loudly because he couldn't remember which one it was. Also, James' bed was made, he wouldn't have sat on that because James was very focused on how he made his bed every morning. Peter would've walked to his own bed.

It was Remus it had to be. His steps were light and quiet. He was also the only one who would've knocked if he knew someone was alone in their dorm. And he opened and closed the door so carefully because that too -when opened too far, creaked loudly.

“Hey.” Remus whispered, softly, trying to figure out what was going on. He didn't want to push it, but he knew that Sirius wouldn't miss the part after their victory against Slytherin just because of nothing. “Wanna tell me what's going on.”

Sirius thought. Remus knew that not everything was alright, he also knew that the situation wasn't new, even though it hadn't happened in a while. He continued to watch the snowflakes fall down, shaking his head.

“It's nothing rem, don't worry.” He whispered, trying to smile, but he just couldn't. He could hear Remus sigh, it wasn't “I'm annoyed with you” kind of sigh, it was more like “I know it's nothing, tell me” kind of sigh.

“Angel, it's a little hard to believe you now. I can see your tears, you're not looking at me, you got your quill and paper out, and you're missing the party, and you never do that, unless something's too loud in your head.” Remus said. Every Time something was bothering Sirius, he said it was too loud in his head and that he needed it to stop.

“I don't want to do this any more.” He whispered after a while, picking at the hem of his jumper, still starting out of the window. He had always liked winter and snow, especially the first snowfall. There was always something magical about it.

“I need you to tell me a little more.” Remus said, trying to keep calm. Hoping he wasn't guessing right of what Sirius was talking about, scared that he was. He swallowed thickly as Sirius started to speak again. His voice was so quiet and distant? Like it wasn't there.

“I hate the feeling of my heart beating in my chest. And how it rises and falls every time I breathe.” He whispered, scared to look at Remus. This was something he didn't really want to admit. “I don't want to be here any more.”

Remus could feel tears in his eyes as he listened to Sirius' words. He knew something was wrong, but he didn't expect this. He tried to say something, but no words left his mouth and he just stared at Sirius with wide eyes, trying to hold the tears from spilling out.

“Everyday feels like a chore and everything feels like a chore, and that's not what it should feel like. It should be fun and joyful. Something to enjoy.” He whispered, his voice getting quieter and quieter by the end of his sentence. He felt more tears burning in his eyes as he thought about this whole thing.

Remus felt like he couldn't breathe. He tried to gather his thoughts and figure out something to say. He looked at Sirius, seeing more tears fall down from his eyes, he still hadn't looked at Remus.

“It's a little too much, and I'm tired, moony.” Sirius whispered, finally looking at Remus. Feeling bad seeing the tears in his eyes.

“Sirius.” He croaked, coughing, trying to get rid of the dryness in his mouth. “Love, where's all this coming from? Did something happen?” He asked, still trying to figure out what was going on. He looked at Sirius, even though the boy refused to meet his tear filled eyes.

Sirius shook his head. “I don't know.” He said honestly. He wasn't sure where all this was coming from, he didn't know. Nothing had happened that led to this. Of course, there were things in his past that might have something to do with what's going on now, but he still didn't understand.

“Please, don't go, don't leave me. I still need you.” Remus whispered, after a while, wiping his eyes, before looking back at Sirius. “I know you're a little broken right now, but I need you, Sirius, don't go.”

“I won't.” He said, finally looking Remus in the eyes. He wasn't going to do it, even though everything just hurt at the moment, he couldn't do that to the people he loved. Even if he wanted to, he just couldn't. “I promise.”

Remus closed his eyes, nodding slowly. When he opened them after a while, he stood up and walked the short distance to Sirius. He cupped Sirius' cheeks and wiped his eyes with his thumbs. “I love you.” He whispered, kissing Sirius forehead.

“I love you too.” Sirius whispered, looking up at Remus when he pulled away. When Remus let go of his cheeks, he reached one of his hands up to Remus' face, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his hoodie.

A/N: I wrote this thing in one sitting and only proof read it, so it probably wasn't my best work, but whatever.

James Potter Drabbles

✩ = 18+, mdni

James apologizes to hufflepuff!you after a prank gone wrong

Roommate!James takes care of you when you're sick

You have a complicated relationship with touch, and James loves you just the same

James protects you from the cold

James x you when you're uncomfortable around drunk people

You inadvertently torment bestfriend!James with your hotness

You introduce James to nipple piercings (he's a fan)

Touchy bestfriend!James is obsessed with your boobs

James is beyond proud when you pass your big test

You're anxious and PMSing, and James is The Best

You both misplace your glasses

Hockey player!James experiences love at first sight with figure skater!reader

Your muscley boyfriend James gives you the hug of the year

You wash James' hair after a long day

James gets a lesson on waxing moon rituals from whimsical!reader

James knows you're not so innocent

You give James flowers

Roommate!James is way too nice to you when you come home drunk

You and James are both very fit and achey (massages help)

James doesn't care about your acne

James is (lovingly) worried when whimsical!reader brings home a friend

James loves your nose

James is lovestruck for whimsical!reader

James gets into a slight tizzy when you scrape your knee

James comforts you when you worry you're a not a good person

James helps when you have a nosebleed

James is obsessed with plus size!reader

You help bodyguard!James in his time of need

James is smitten with you, Sirius' sister

You accessorize James' bicep

James is drunk and staunchly loyal

fireman!James rescues you from an elevator

James loves to tease ✩

Giggly sex with James ✩

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m4r4udersmyluvs

6 months ago

Sorry to break it to you but you literally have to face your fears and slaughter them. Otherwise you will live a small life that you do not want. You literally have to view your biggest fears and attack them head on. You have to fall into the abyss to find your way out. The easy path does not exist. There is no get out of jail free card. You have to allow yourself to die a spiritual death over and over again in order to reinvent yourself into the person you are actually supposed to be. And you have to be painfully honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s horrible but it’s truly the only way.

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m4r4udersmyluvs

7 months ago

𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘱

𝖲𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒: 𝖶𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾-𝗍𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗋 𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗄𝗌, 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝟨𝗍𝗁 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗋 𝗈𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇. 𝖳𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝖽𝗂𝖿𝖿𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾? 𝖨𝗍’𝗌 𝟣𝟫𝟩𝟨. 𝖲𝗍𝗎𝖼𝗄 𝗂𝗇 𝖺 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇’𝗍 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗂𝗇, 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖽𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝗅𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝗇, 𝖺𝗇𝗑𝗂𝗈𝗎𝗌𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗂𝖿 𝖣𝗎𝗆𝖻𝗅𝖾𝖽𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗀𝖾𝗍 𝗁𝗈𝗆𝖾. 𝖳𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗀𝗈𝖾𝗌 𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖼𝗁 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖾𝗒𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖺 𝖼𝖾𝗋𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝖻𝗈𝗒. 𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗁𝗂𝗆, 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗂𝗍 𝗀𝖾𝗍𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗐𝖺𝗅𝗄 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒. 𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗈…𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍?

Part One wc:5.5k

Part Two wc:5.3k

Part Three wc:5k

Part Four wc:5.5k

Part Five wc: 5.1k

Part Six wc: 6.1k

Part Seven wc: 7.2k

Part Eight wc: 5.6k

Part Nine wc: 6.9k

Part Ten wc: 6.1k (you stay)

Part Ten wc: 6.3k (you leave)

Soundtrack🎶

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m4r4udersmyluvs

8 months ago

more marauders song comparisons yay!!

today I bring to you Anything by Adrianne Lenker.

"I don't want to be the owner of your fantasy, I just want to be a part of your family"

but the black brothers!!!

"I don't want to be the owner of your fantasy." When Sirius runs away to the Potters, he asks Regulus to go with him. In his ideal world, he can run away, leave behind the noble house of black and be with both his brother (james) and the parents he wished he had, but also bring his other brother (Regulus) with him. Make his own life and bring anyone he wants with him, whether they're willing or not.

"I just want to be a part of your family." Regulus wishing he was enough to make Sirius stay. That he could be enough for him, and that he didn't need to want more because he had his little brother, and that was enough.

Regulus doesn't want to just be part of some ideal world Sirius has made up, he wants to be enough for Sirius as he is.

He doesn't leave with him.

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m4r4udersmyluvs

8 months ago

We’re always talking about super angsty Black Brothers but why do we never talk about the Black Brothers just being brothers

-Regulus coming out to Sirius(as trans and gay) and Sirius instantly seeing the distressed look on his brother’s face and just hugging him so tightly and telling him it’s ok

-Sirius crying when Reggie got into Slytherin because he was so proud of him and happy for him(he never heard the end of it because Reg kept mocking him for it)

-Sirius teaching Regulus how to play Quidditch

-the two brothers not saying a single word, just doing a fist bump at the end of a Quidditch match to congratulate the other for winning

-Sirius slapping Reggie behind the head or pulling his hair when he passes him in the corridors because he’s his annoying older brother

-The brothers making sure from a distance that the other is okay because they knows they hide how they feel a lot so their friends might not be able to tell they’re not okay

-Regulus helping Sirius understand how he feels about Remus

-Sirius helping Reggie come to terms with his sexuality and not be ashamed of it

-Sirius helping Reggie bag James(very delicate way to say it, I know)

-Sirius paying for Regulus’ top surgery and his binders before that

- Them judging each other’s taste in men and ranking their exes(mostly Regulus bullying Sirius about the time he thought he was straight)

-telling each other they’re ugly in the hallways

-Regulus saying ‘’you’re adopted’’ and Sirius going ‘’God I wish’’

-going to each other when they don’t feel good mentally

-Regulus making his special tea that cures any sickness for Sirius when he his sick(he doesn’t say it’s from him though, he just puts it on Sirius’s door step and then when Sirius comes back he just looks at the cup with a fond smile knowing it’s from his little brother)

-Sirius calls Regulus ‘’lus’’ because it’s his childhood nickname. Only Sirius is aloud to call him that, even James can’t. He once tried and he was sure Regulus was going to cut his head off from the look on his face.

-Regulus calls Sirius ‘’rius’’ because when he was younger he had a hard time saying Sirius’s name and so it ended up sounding like ‘’rius’’ and it just kind of stayed. Again, only Regulus is aloud to call him that.

-they have a chat where they hate on their parents and the Black family

-they have a lot of insides that people don’t get so sometimes a brother will say a random word in the middle of a conversation and both will just start laughing uncontrollably while everyone is looking at them like they’re crazy (well more like Sirius starts laughing uncontrollably while Regulus snorts)

-they found it rather funny when they became animagus ‘cause like themselves their animagus are so different and somehow so similar

Didn’t think this would be this long. But yeah... More may come later. Brace yourself!

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m4r4udersmyluvs

7 months ago

jegulily is actually so powerful

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m4r4udersmyluvs

8 months ago

the moon and the stars 🌌

(reblogs would be great *winks*)

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m4r4udersmyluvs

4 months ago

almost immediately after regulus and james move in together, regulus starts hiding toys for cats all over the house. then it's cat food. then it's a cat tree. then it's a little bed. one day, he comes home with a kitten and doesn't say a word to james. then he brings home another, and another until they have three cats roaming around the house, using their names and everything. he notices james bringing home cat food one day and decides he's going to ask why james has never brought up the fact that three random cats just showed up in their house and james just looks at him and says, 'i thought they just always lived here??'

that's when regulus learns, james thought they bought a house that just came with cats.

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