Responding To A Kidnapping Attempt Part 2:

Black Pirate Dude

-unironically wears a trench coat

-“I’m not mad just disappointed”

-god tier sceptic

-dramatic flare the size of the fucking sun

-I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me

-Badass TM

The Avengers: a summary

Thot

- majestic - good hair - straight ally - total feminist - Better Than You - best brother

America’s Ass

- t h i c c - disaster bisexual - literal golden retriever - n i p p l e s - sad about the bae

Tony Stank

- the literal definition of adhd - runs on coffee and cocaine - judging you - terrible boyfriend, pretty good husband - “3000? thAt’S cRaZy”

angry grinch

- weed dealer - always angry - anxiety - too tired to be stark’s best friend

bird 1

- actual disaster - weirdly nice arms - married?????? - actually not in love with black widow - probably has tried to steal a dog at least once

mama spider

- will kill - terrifying - somehow always looks amazing - steve rogers’ relationship advisor - love? for children

bird 2

- supersoldier babysitter - everyone’s favourite - done - to the left - hates his bestie’s boyfriend - not problematic in the slightest - actual angel there is nothing wrong with him whatsoever

quippy black best friend

- somehow hasn’t killed tony stark yet - was just put there for comic relief but now everyone loves him - the best character in endgame - troll

bonky

- chaotic gay - sad - good hair - still annoyed at his husband for something that happened in 1943 - power bottom

spiderling

- baby - was immediately adopted - definitely trans - gen z - wants to die

😂

Bruce, to Shuri and Peter: listen up, teens. There's nothing meme about smoking cigarettes. It's not "Netflix and chill" to do a drug. Fidget spin yourself into church

Peter, randomly quoting the internet: Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

Tony, sleep deprived: That makes ketchup a smoothie.

Clint, for once actually knowing something: Too much sugar! It’s actually soda.

Natasha, exasperated and tired of everyone’s shit: Common sense is knowing that ketchup is neither a smoothie or a soda. It’s also knowing not to piss off an assassin for something as foolish as this at two in the morning.

Harley would be the incapable one. Point in question: Peter and Ned’s handshake

Harley, to Peter: your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this bromance apart

Loki summoning daggers:

Where is it?!

Thor frantically trying to calm him down:

Loki, wait!! You should treat spiders how you wish to be treated!

Loki:

Killed without hesitation!

Thor:

Not again! Please stop dying!

Avengers play Cards Against Humanity

Since the last one was well received here's part two

Black Card: You know who else liked ______? Hitler.

Loki: Eradicating the jews

Steve: Mass Genocide

Peter: Veganism

Hope: Nazis

Scott: Bees

Natasha: White privilege

Clint: Chunks of dead backpacker

Harley: Daniel Radcliffe's delectable arsehole

Shuri: Praying the gay away

T'challa: Restoring Germany to it's former glory

Tony: A reason not to commit suicide

Bruce: Auschwitz

Sam: God

Bucky: Poorly timed holocaust jokes

Pepper: Seeing things from Hitler's perspective

Rhodey: Suicidal thoughts

Thor: Vikings

Wanda: It's hard to decide... "You know who else liked veganism? Hitler" is my favourite. Peter wins.

Do you guys want to chose the winners? And yes, there are going to be more of these cards against humanity. Send me other people you want to play too.

Peter: If I die, please bury me either in a T-pose or the you know I had to do it pose.

Avengers as stupid shit my friends have said

Clint: That’s not a watermelon, that’s a fetus!

Nat: You shoulda kicked him in the nuts

Tony: You know what I is!

Also Tony: I’m a vagina expert

Sam to Bucky: Too painful to date

Bruce: In space there’s always a bigger rock

Wanda: Troublesome gay

Peter when someone says don’t fail: I fail at everything

Shuri: And not get pushed off roofs by furries

Bucky: So last night I ditched my friends and made an accurate representation of my soul. Cold, hard, black, shiny stone. Also somewhat damaged and incomplete.

Scott: I can’t believe they landed on me having sex! I mean get a room!

Pepper: Thanks, I hate it

Steve: I’m American

Peter from the other room: I thought you were a lesbian!

Carol: Okay who here isn’t gay?

Hope: Thanks, wish you weren’t here

Vision: I’ve tested positive for gay

Loki (even though technically not an Avenger): I LOVE STABBING CHILDREN!!

Tchalla: I ripped it apart with my bare hands!

Thor, clueless: What’s a handjob?

A stranger cat calling MJ: Hey gorgeous. Want me to teach you something?

MJ: Sure. I’ve always wanted to know whether someone can die of constipation.

Stranger: Uhhh. What?

MJ: Will you die of constipation?

Stranger:

MJ: Cause you’re full of shit

Peter and Ned laughing: You killed him

Loki at Midtown Tech: I have come to kidnap my adopted gremlin friend

Office Lady: I’m not sure who you mean. Would you like to ask over the PA system?

Loki: I would love too.

Loki into the mic: Hey gremlin, we’re gonna fight a god and kick his ass. And then we’re gonna cause mischief with the vent bird

Meanwhile in Peter’s classroom

Teacher: Well that was weird. Probably someone playing a prank...Peter, why are you getting up?

Peter: I’m gonna fight a god, kick ass and cause mischief with the vent bird. It helps a snake and spider de-stress.

Teacher: You know what? I don’t care anymore. “Fight a god” as long as you get your work done.

Ned after a moment: snake... snake... Wait, does that mean that was Loki?!