People Might Shout And Swear At The Narcissist. And Think They’ve Put Them In Their Place. But Really

People might shout and swear at the narcissist. And think they’ve put them in their place. But really they’ve played into their hands. Like a petulant young child, if a narcissist can’t get positive attention, they’ll settle for negative. And a good argument or telling off still fuels their fire. Yes, they’re happy you’re focusing on them. Even if you’re telling them how awful they are.

The above quote is from: https://narcissisms.com/why-narcissists-create-drama/

I read through an old journal today, with entries from a time when I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship. INFJ's are particular magnets for malignant and emotionally abusive individuals. I didn't know it back then, and even though I know it now, it still hurts to remember it.

It took me almost a decade to realize that with certain people, attempting to have a calm conversation about your needs and feelings is actually a field day for their continued emotional manipulation. The alternative--standing up for yourself and being assertive, or even letting your righteous anger flow--also fails to resolve things and, what's more, it even fails to create any amount of distance between you and the offender. In fact, anger feeds the narcissist, and further fuels their desire to remain attached to you like a leech. Whether it's a calm conversation or a fury-filled telling-off, both give them exactly what they want--attention, be it good or bad.

It took me a while to realize that even when I was driven to tears, when I was sobbing to my ex about how much he had hurt me, that in those moments, he seemed to gain an air of peacefulness. My anger seemed to be a key that unlocked a sense of comfort within him. At first I thought I was misreading him. Then, when I realized I wasn't, I thought it odd. Then, when I realized that my despondent tears actually fed his need to be needed, and that because of that, he was totally okay driving me to tears over and over again--I finally realized I had had enough.

The INFJ "door slam" is a gift. It is not a flippant choice, but wisdom pulled from the depths of an almost unbearable despair. At some point, you get the point--reasoning nor anger can fix it. Only an end can fix it. A total and complete end. Cut ties to that person. Take the ties and burn them. Then gather up the ashes, douse them in gasoline, and burn that shit a few more times.

Then walk away and be free.