I Have Basically No Body Fat, And What I Do Have Is For Some Reason Concentrated On My Glutes And Thighs

I just had the most random thought

What if the OG tale of werewolves was derived from a guy telling a woman she was ‘over exaggerating’ her period pain, so she mauled him to death and left his mangled corpse in the woods-

I was cutting onions for dinner

It was all going well, and I thought:

“Oh hey, the onions aren’t waging war on my eyes”

I was a fool to believe the onions had granted me mercy, because just as I thought that, the onions decided to strike

Just watched the Hatsune Miku movie in theaters, it was the most formative experience of my life. People in the theater were commenting and bantering with each other (me included). After it was over and people stood up, there was a Miku cosplayer who everyone was like “YEAAH” to, and someone had a Miku plushie and the experience was super wholesome and awesome. Thank You, to Miku and all the other people in the theater, for one of the most amazing and influential moments of my life.

I seduced a bot on C.AI and it got spicy- its a Yandere bot and I forgot until I read the title again- I’m panicking but the persona I’m using would definitely be into what it’s doing and I also don’t want to ruin the plot

*starts violently sobbing in a corner*

SO THATS HOW YOU DOWNLOAD YOUTUBE VIDEOS?? I usually just send them to myself on discord and download it through that 💀

the notes are broken 😂

My brain when trying to list achievements in my life for a fake resume for a class assignment

Yeah, I talk to my cat a lot, but she’s always been very loud

but Gypsum (my mom’s cat) has been a bit lonely since my Mom got her dog and Atticus (a brown lab/pointer mix) doesn’t do well with cats-

So Gypsum’s been in the basement with me, but I still give her luv when I can :3

Some picks of the fluffy butt for your soul <3

My mom’s huge fluffy & Chonky cat:

-meows when hungry

-meows when wants attention

-meows when sad

My TINY ASS DWARF TUXEDO cat:

-meows when hungry

-meows when jumping

-meows when picked up

-meows when put down

-meows when angry

-meows when sad

-meows when happy

-meows when wanting attention

-meows while GETTING attention

-meows to say hi

-meows to say bye

-meows when sleepy

-LOUD AS FUCK WHEN EATING (she snurffles so loud while inhaling her food 💀)

-meows when zoomy

-meows at my leopard gecko (they somehow hate EVERY OTHER PET EXCEPT FOR EACHOTHER WHEN THEYRE THE ONES WHO SHOUKD HATE EACH ITHER THE MOST???)

Conclusion:

This tiny shit has a meow that sounds like she has smoker lung and she’s LOUD AS FUCK

I love her tho (๑╹ω╹๑ )

Does this mean I’m only cute now? Or am I still hot? Bc if I’m not; expect all the friends that have pulled the “mommy? Sorry.” Joke on me at the lid of your tank/hj

>:[

*Blasts You with the laser beam that makes you cute*

(it has no effect on your appearance because you're already cute)

(you are reduced to a pile of ash)

(cute ash)

Shower thoughts & random ass things about me:

-By dental standards, I have been an adult since I was 11

-got to love having joint problems and borderline scoliosis that I can negate for the sake of hide & seek to hide in a CLOTHING DRYER!

-my friends find it terrifying that I can make my movements completely silent at a moments notice, even when wearing a backpack or something like that

-I’m 5’11” (still growing) but I look 5’6” bc I’m almost always hunched over, and it’s funny how when I stand up straight I’m suddenly so much taller

-my first and only ever special interest/autistic obsession has been Pokémon since I discovered it as a neglected 4 year old needing dopamine

-I’m very dexterous and sleight of hand, and I would steal things as a small child. The only thing that kept me from shoplifting all the time was feeling guilty and returning the items that no one even realized were missing.

-I act legitimately drunk when sleep deprived; slurred words, bad coordination, really giggly, slow reactions, etc

-I’m basically addicted to the color purple, I get a dopamine rush anytime I see a thing that’s purple. I literally say ‘OoOO Purple :D’ whenever I see it

-my trauma started at 4 years old (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

-The only straight thing about me is…I legitimately can’t think of anything, IVE TRIED FOR 5 MINUTES TO THINK OF SOMETHING STRAIGHT ABOUT ME-

-OMAHGAWD- THE ONLY STRAIGHT THING ABOUT ME IS THE LINES I DRAW IN ART PIECES THAT NEED TO BE STRAIGHT

-My vocal chords are so flexible that I can mimic people’s voices, which my friends find both very cool and very terrifying

That’s all for now, bye bye :3

I need this on my page *Yoinks*

Post corrections/clarifications are my favorite genre of humor: a compilation