Memories Of A Life Never Lived (Why Am I Worth Your Love?)

I use a variety of things but mostly my messages app. I write and send drafts to myself.

plz reblog for science

Sing For Me (Your Fatal Flaw Is Your Gilded Hubris)

A small piece inspired by @chocoenvy's playing god series but also their writing in general. I got an error when I attempted to send it in through an ask so I don't know if it got sent through or not so here it is in post form.

Pretty little songbird

With broken wings

A melody that shatters

A voice that no longer sings

Silenced by cruelty

A delusion of lies

Fracturing mirrors

Of spiderweb scars

It is not the light that shelters

Not the winds that follows 

Or the earth that steadies

Nor the storms that soothes

It is the dark that hides

The ice that guards 

Steadfast and strong

The wolves of winter prowl

Fervently devoted

Even steeped in madness

They are not blind

They see and they hear

They answer the call

With little hesitation

Ruin the foolish idols

Bring the heretics to their knees

No mercy left for the merciless

An eye for an eye

You have sown this sin

So you must reap your punishment 

Atone for the crime that can not be forgiven

A Home Amidst The Infinite Stars

He looks inhuman, with his smile that strains just a little too much at the corners and eyes that gleam with an artificial liveliness. An ink black stain on his skin, marring his neck and displaying his sin. Dangerous, you hear the whispers, mocking and cruel with a hint of caution that feels ice cold. Aventurine, they call him, with eyes of vivid colors that perhaps would have been mesmerizing once, but were dull and glassy now. A gem, polished and set on a pedestal for all to see.

You find it, and him most of all, tragic. Someone clearly put effort into making him presentable, clothing him in bright hues that are impossible to ignore, and his personality is loud, ringing in your ears like the echoes of a scream within the long halls of desolation. He hides himself away, protecting himself in the only way he can. Even then, you see the scars that chip away at his mind, the tiny nicks and scratches that feel like chasms to your stardust vision.

You want to reach out, wish you could cup his soul in your hands, and hide him away beneath the starshine veil you wear. You want to fill his wound with sunglow and stitch him back together with a long thread, shadow stained to prevent another scar. Perhaps he would not notice a new mark on his skin, but you did not wish to add to his canvas. Perhaps kindness is poison to him now, years of cruelty that led to painful isolation.

He is frozen, frostbitten limbs that burn as they warm by the fire. You wonder if he would cry if you hugged him, the steady pulse of a star in your chest that reaches out for him just as it has for your cherished companions. You wonder how long it will take before he willingly returns to your side, head bowed as he presses himself into your chest and shudders as though he'll fall apart the moment you let him go.

You wonder when he will relax in your hold and when he will not flinch but lean willingly into your touch. Perhaps it will take years, or even decades. Perhaps he will never lose the sharp, jagged edges of his broken pieces. But that's okay, you have time. You will wait however long it takes, just as you have for each and every one of your beloved companions.

Anemoia (How Long Will You Reach For The Ghosts Of Distant Stars?)

They could see the stars tonight, bright splatters of light across the shadows of the sky. They don't really know why they decided to come out here, so far from the comfort of their little cottage, but they don't want to return, not yet at least. Wrapped in their cloak, they nestle themselves into the trunk of an old, hollowed out tree as they crane their neck upwards. The stars flicker and blink down at them, almost as if they were waving a hello. A ridiculous thought they don't mind entertaining as they raise their own hand to wave back. Maybe they are a bit of a fool, but they never claimed to be wise in the first place.

This reminds them of dreams they could have sworn they had forgotten, the wisps of names and faces that linger on their tongue even as the memories faded from their mind. They could almost feel the leathery skin underneath their fingertips, the sharp edges of scales too big. The blooming feeling of awe as feather and fur alike curl around their shoulders. Even the whistling winds, rustling through leaves and grass, remind them of the songs they used to sing, the lyrics long forgotten. Not quite unexpectedly, it hurts. Aching something fierce and bold in their chest, that forces tears to well in their eyes. Logically, they know it's silly to cry over something they can barely remember, over something that the world doesn't remember existing. At least, not in this life.

But they don't swallow down the sob that leaves their throat nor wipe away the iridescent tears that fall from their eyes. They don't mind the chill that seeps into their chest as their tears soak through the thin fabric of their shirt, far too busy watching the stars drift across the skies. They think, at first, only distantly, that they can see the twisting shapes of long serpentine bodies and billowing wings. They swear they can hear the timber of voices overlapped, the shadows of all too human bodies that they should know but can't quite remember. They wonder if they can miss people that don't exist.

They wonder if these memories are what drives them away from the people, the connections, of this earth. Star child, they remember their grandmother whispering to them in the late hours of the night. You are loved, they remember her murmuring to them every day from then on. They remember clinging to her feeble form as she spun tales of mystical beasts and stories of man made gods. Rivers to a lake, spiraling into the deep caverns underneath, hoarding knowledge underneath their silence. They wonder if there was some truth to her tales after all.

Star child, that name, title they suppose, has haunted them throughout their entire life. They wonder if it is why they can taste lightning on their tongue even when the skies are clear, if it is why they can feel the brittle-snap of thunder between their teeth. They wonder if it is why frost cradles their skin even when hearth-warm fire curls in their chest, the duality often leaving them sick and bedridden. Wildfires spark to life, just shy of burning and charring the vulnerable flesh of their heart. That coil around their ribcage and rumble as though the earth was quaking under a cat's quiet purr. All the while, ice forms at the base of their throat, encircling their arms like sharp shackles. They don't mind the chill, even when it hurts to speak. They welcome the frost and the cold, wrapping themselves in snow to stave off the constant heat.

They suppose it is, just like the winds that push for them to wander the world. A wanderlust unseen in their family, where others root themselves into the soil, they take to the skies. Following where the breeze and the gales blow them, the peaks of snow-capped mountains and the depths of oceans. Their body is not meant for travel, frail from the war that wages inside them. But it's not as if they could stop. They ache for the road, to chase after the stars as if they could someday reach up to pluck them from the skies. Their only real companion over the years, the feel of coiled bodies in the palm of their hand and the sound of an echoing roar in their ears.

Sometimes, they still expect a tail to curl itself around their legs even though the creature that tail is connected to only resides in their dreams. They still turn and expect to see the divine tipped claws of monsters, to have to tip their head back to speak to looming shadows of those they should know and still somewhat do, even if they haven't met them yet. Their disappointment when all that greets them is silence and emptiness is often crushing and immeasurable, inconsolable grief that drapes across their shoulders like a dark veil. Those days, they spend their time inside, away from the sun and the stars, away from the gaze of the people that stare and stare. They spend those days painting and writing, over and over, trying to capture the faces and forms of their companions they so desperately want to remember.

But it never looks quite right. Something is always wrong, always off. Failure is a bitter thing to swallow, it tastes of bile and blood and tainted honor. It is the shattering of pride, the sting of human hubris that leads them to bury their half written journals and messily sketched paintings. It is what forces them to grip the few pieces of their memories close, cradling their dreams like the most precious of treasures. Long fluttering scarves and cloaks, flowing fabrics that hide the invisible pouches of chiming bells and glimmering scales. Though they carry little on their journey, they can't help but feel an anchor's weight on their shoulders, Atlas heavy. A worthwhile price for the imaginary companions that drive away the loneliness, even if they do still want to feel the steady heartbeat underneath their hands.

Star child, they muse to themselves, it grows more fitting by the year. Stardust in their veins and the world at their fingertips, it is only a matter of time before they will be cradled in the careful coils of their once lost companions, one way or another.

@n0tamused

The Myth Of A Haven (Even Rumors Tell A Truth)

Within a sanctuary Far from home A place only the dreamers know A paradise for the lost Weary and wandering Not a human soul you may find Though the keepers may show A being adorned with stars A cloak of fresh sage green Draped lightly upon his shoulders He offers a quiet place to rest To forget the woes of reality And perhaps your eyes are drawn To the markings left on his skin Bruises reminiscent of teeth Perhaps you'd offer a hand In return for his kindness Though he will wave you off every time He bears them with pride A blessing from his god Only earned after hours of worship Something you may never understand The price of devotion The reward of adoration The thrill of leaving your fate In the grasp of someone else Perhaps it is not for you But in the end What does it matter You do not belong in their world Soon you'll be nothing more Then the ghost of a memory That walked the lands Where he shall live Your paths are fated to diverge So listen well And heed this story of mine Leave them be For you and I are chalk and dust And they are a binary star Adrift in a universe far from ours

My thoughts on the Aventurine drama

I've been inactive for a while, I was (still am) busy in real life but coming back online to post and seeing discourse about a newly crowned favorite character is disheartening. Even more so, that people are harassing other writers over a drama I feel is overblown.

I have thoughts regarding it but I'm unsure if my opinion would be appreciated. But if you'd like to peacefully talk it out with me, I'd be happy to lend an ear. I'd like to hear both sides, as meager as my opinion may be.

Oh boy, here we go.

Aventurine is a character, a fictional being born to entertain the players. He is not real. He can not be offended by what you create of him. There is no point getting upset on the behalf of a character and prioritizing fiction over a person who does actually exist.

If we do want to condemn slavery fics, why not also cancel slave reader fics? Or ones that include things such as dead dove (including yanderes in general) fics because those topics are equally terrible to condone and write about from that point of view. Or how about other characters that have similar topics in their lore. Should those also be canceled too?

*There are also folks who make problematic pieces to help cope with their own trauma. Does that mean they should be canceled too? (On that note: making a piece that holds problematic content does not always mean the person condones it in real life. Fiction is fiction for a reason.)

In the end, I think everyone can have their own opinions, but I would like to say that your opinions do not justify terrible actions. Just because you disagree with something does not justify you bullying someone into deleting one of their works, whether it is art or writing or anything else, I do not think that is justifiable. Harassing someone or calling people to harass them is not right either.

*If you did disagree with it, why not message the author about it instead of making accusatory posts? Even when done with good intentions, all it does is cause harm when it's practically inviting people to go harass someone over a fanfiction. A very mild fanfiction at that.

If you disagree with a piece, cool. That's your opinion. Just don't interact with it then. Block that creator or that tag or whatever it is that led you there. Or if you're curious, ask that creator.

Also, to reiterate, in my opinion, fiction is still just fiction. Especially when it's a fanfiction about a fictional character. Yes, his canon lore exists, but people can use that basis in fanfiction, something that will inherently warp canon because we are not the original writers and can not capture him in the exact way he was created. In case that doesn't make sense: Fanfiction does not have to comply with the original lore. Also since some of you seem to be forgetting: fiction does not mirror real life.

If you are truly that concerned over sensitive topics like that, directing that energy towards projects that involve such topics in real life would be much better than attacking people on the internet.

Normalcy Is What You Crave (But How Can You Be So Foolish?)

@m1d-45. I've returned with another poem.

Forgive and forget

An interesting saying, is it not?

But can it really be applied here

When the scars remain

Of cruel deaths 

And vicious hunts

When the memories linger

Plaguing the mind

Shattering rose tinted glasses

Can one be forgiven

Of such a heinous deed

Can one even forgive 

Such a terrible sin

When one pledges loyalty

Faith to the very end

But it is the monsters who stay

Devoted and loving

Forgiveness is not for you

They will never forget 

And they will never forgive 

Not in the way that matters

You who stood once so tall

Blessed and beloved

Are nothing more than sinners

Fallen from grace 

And it is before you 

Your honored god sits 

Surrounded by a court of monsters 

Who wait on them

For every beck and call

Forgive and forget, was it?

Pitiful.

Mercy was not meant for you

You shall find no salvation here

A Fall From Grace (Willing Victims Of Sin)

@chococolte. I appear to be having issues with sending asks so I hope this format is alright. As you can tell, by the amount of poetry I've made, I am still very much enjoying your work.

Devoted followers

Shielded by steadfast earth

Cloaked by wandering winds

Guided by mournful lightning

Warded by boundless flora

Draped in shimmering ice

Crowned in flickering flames

Guarded in elegant dew

It is for their Holiness

That they unite

If their Grace demanded for their death

To rip open their chest 

And hand deliver their heart 

They would without hesitation

Displayed as glorious offerings

Nothing would please them more

Than the act of pleasing their God would be

If they were ordered to bare their soul

To let their Deity into their body

And puppet their every move

They would scramble to be the first

To be honored as a vessel

They would never deny their Creator

Their belongings 

Their home 

Their people

Nothing mattered 

Not if their Beloved called for it

The Exalted One above all 

Who were they to defy your will

When even the slightest praise 

Fulfilled the very purpose 

For which they were born for

Perhaps it is true

That they've fallen from grace

But they could never really care

Not when their Honored One holds them so

Blessing them with tender love 

And keeping them ever close

bone and marrow; cut and served

word count: 2.4K content warnings: i think this one works better without too specific warnings, but general content warning for heavy yandere content and everything that comes with that, including kidnapping, torture, explicit physical abuse, drugging and so on. ← NOT kidding please heed the warnings

a/n: wanted to try something a different style since i think my dialogue could use some improvement. so this is 100% dialogue and is meant to read like a dialogue script!

Ah, y-you're back… You're… finally back…

…Paid? You got… paid? Did you… are you selling me off to someone else? O-oh, you mean my ransom finally got paid… by my family…

Right, you did mention that…

…

…You're not going to hit me for disobeying you, or forgetting? N-no? Because you're… not that cruel?

Wait, does that mean that. That when you ripped off my nails o-on camera, it wasn't so you could… so you could rewatch the recording and enjoy my pathetic crying and wailing? O-oh… I see…

I… I guess that does make more sense. I mean, who would… who would want to record something like that for their own sick pleasure, right?

Hii— I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you! Of course it's—of course it's fine if you want to record something like that for yourself! Someone like me has no right to com—

Ah, a joke…

Of course I'm relieved. I'm just…

…

I'm not used to you not digging your nails into my cheeks every time I dare look away from you…

And, um, well. This doesn't. It doesn't feel real, you know? It's been five months since you, uh, p-placed me in… well, kidnapped me. B-being free again sound so… surreal…

This isn't… some sick joke, right? It's really not? You promise?

I-I'm glad. …Thank you.

…Huh? There's something seriously wrong with me if I thank you after everything you've done to me? W-well! You know!

…I don't sound very thankful? That's, um…

…

…Do you want me to get knees and kiss your shoes? You'd need to unbind me for that th—No! Of course I'm kidding! I'm—

O-oh, you're really… you're really doing it, you're really unbinding me. I, wow…

You must really trust me…

W-well, yeah, of course the handcuffs were really uncomfortable. You only ever let me out of them when you were, were t-tortu… I can't say it.

The… huh? No, rubbing them this harshly won't just make the scarring worse, l-like you're, um, saying. W-wait, please don't thro—ow!

Oh, this is… disinfectant…

Um, well, for all I know you could've put some cleaning product in here like the last time you… Even if you're insisting it safe because the ran… Right, the ransom got paid. I'm free now…

N-no! I'll use it, I'll use it! You're way too close!

Even if you put something else in here again, or it's really disinfectant and you're going to beat me again for using it because this really is just your idea of entertainment… I'll use it. You did give it to me, after all.

…Only on my wrists? Okay, only on my wrists…

…

So, uh, when's the exchange date? Or time? You're not usually this chatty. Normally you just dump food on the floor in front of me, or whip out the camera and then, well…

…Today? In… in a couple of hours? Oh… you're really early then?

You want me to… you want me to get cleaned up first? Y-you mean, in your bathroom? I'll get to… use your products? R-really?

Yeah, I'm… really happy to be clean again… I seem happier now than when you told me I'm to be free?

Well, it's just. It's just sinking in that this is for real now…

And the drive should be pretty far away from… I mean, what would I know. I was out cold for that. I just assumed… It would be kind of stupid to kidnap and hold someone close to where they live, right? You'd want to be a distance away and not get caught… right?

OW!

Ow, that really hurt! You didn't need to twist my arm like th—ow! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wasn't calling you stupid, I was complimenting y—ah!

You're pulling… holy shit, you're pulling my hair really hard. I won't run, so you don't have to—hng! I'm—I'm sorry, I didn't mean to backtalk.

…I knew it.

You said, earlier, earlier you said you weren't that cruel, but you really do enjoy my tea—I mean, you really do enjoy hurting me.

Ah! Don't shove me that hard, you—

Because we've… arrived? At the—wait, wait, wait but you said that was still a couple hours away? You—oh, your… your bathroom…

Y-yeah, of course I knew that. I was just…

…

The bath looks really warm… Is it really okay for me to—I should just get in already and stop wasting your time? Y-yeah, um… sorry…

—H!

You made this scalding hot on purpose, didn't you?

N-no, I'm not complaining. I'll take it, I'll take it… This is better than no bath, s-so…

…I should put my hands out? Okay…

Is this your—your bath soap?

…

…I'm! It just feels really nice to smell something so mundane again…

No, wait, wait, I'll use it! I'll stop wasting your time, please don't take it away!

…I should… I should be thankful because I finally get to clean myself?

R-right… Um, t… thank you very much…

—H-huh? I should kiss your feet to r-really prove it l-like I offered to earlier?

That's… that's so… I'll—Okay, I'll do it..

Oh it was a, it was just a joke… I'm not eager! This is just—Of course you'll hurt me less if I do as you say, even if it's—

Even if it's something like this…

…

It's… it's already time to get out?

Um, right…

…

Actually, um, could I… could I stay a couple more minutes? I just… This is my first bath in so long, I don't want it to end…

OW! You really don't have to pull on my hair every time I—ow! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't—

Wh… what are you… doing with those scissors?

If I… if I misbehave again you're going to… No, no, nonono I'm sorry! Please, please, don't—I'll behave, just don't—Please! I'm really sorry, I don't, I won't—

Aah…

Okay, thank you, I'm sorry, thank you…

…

A-ah? Change into this? You even… you not only let me use your bathroom, you even got me new clothes…

Y-yes! Thank you! I'm sorry! I'll—

Eek!—I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry.

…

S-stick out my hands again? Okay…

…Handcuffs again? No, no of course I don't mind! It's okay! Please don't get mad…

Y-you're not? Okay…

…I talk a lot? Um, I think… Maybe, I'm just kind of lonely…

You, uh, you have been my only social contact for five months now…

Or, um, roughly five months now. I'm assuming. It's kind of hard to tell how much time has passed when you've been stuck in a basement for so long.

I just…

…

I'm not—I'm not just stalling for time!

It's just… Are you, are you sure this isn't some messed up joke? You're not dangling this hope in front of me just to take it away?

This would… this would be a good time to reveal that.

…No? My family really paid the entire amount?

…They've never really… cared about me, so it's kind of surprising… Honestly, when you first mentioned it, I thought you were joking. I mean, it's true they have the money…

I'm their son, so it's only natural? Well, yeah, I guess, but…

It's… That's cruel of you to say. You had to have known what our relationship was like before you…

…Anyway, this joke isn't funny anymore. Please take me back to the basement now.

…

…It really isn't. You've done it, you've completely dashed my hopes. I hope you're happy now. I… I'm never getting out of here, I know that, okay?

It's… really cruel of you to toy with me like that.

So just… just take me back.

That's what the handcuffs are for, too, right?

…

…No?

No, you're really just going to throw me away like this?

Actually, I… when you approached me that night and told me to get into your car or else, I didn't know what to do. It made me so, so happy when I realised you must've planned this months in advance.

To think you were spending that much time thinking about me…

I was so, so certain you were finally getting revenge on me…

…Yeah. I thought… I'd been stalking you for two years, and even before that—so I thought… I thought that you'd taken me home to put me in my place, to teach me a lesson.

The last couple of months have been the happiest in my life. It's like… I was in heaven.

I mean, getting tortured in real life is a totally different ballpark than fantasising about it, that's true, but! But! Even if it was just painful, I wouldn't mind, because it's you! I could never hate or dislike anything you do to me!

You're backing away, but I promise you don't have anything to fear! Even if you go through on your promise, I don't mind! I won't struggle.

I belong to you, so anything you do is justified! You have that right!

But seeing your expression, you really didn't know about any of that…

I thought—I thought!

I thought maybe for once I was something special to someone, even if you did just hate me! I thought that with hard work and a lot of time, maybe I could be someone special to you in more ways than just the toy you keep in your basement!

I thought that…

…I guess it makes sense that you just remembered me as that rich loser you shared a class with once. But I…

…

…Why don't you just keep me in your basement again?

You wouldn't even need to keep me in handcuffs; I'd never run away! Or—or, of course, you could keep me bound the entire time, if that would make you feel more at ease!

You can… you can keep doing whatever you want to me! At any time! I won't struggle anymore! I'll cry and look cute and pitiful and pretty and whatever else you want me to!

You don't need to feed me regularly, or at all, or—Please don't back away…

I actually… I actually really like it when you pull on my hair!

I… I really love looking at my reflection in the mirror you left up in the basement, because I get to see the permanent marks you left on my face, like when you broke my nose three weeks into being home with you!

My favourite is probably when you coo at me and call me cute and condescendingly wipe away my tears—it always seemed to please you when I cried even harder… Even if—even if that was just an act, you seemed to be having fun!

And—and you really liked forcing me to look directly into the camera and.. and making me degrade myself, and repeat all those embarrassing lines, and—

What about that time you suggested getting me a shock collar? Or, or what about all those times you threatened to carve your name into my skin so I'd be ruined for everyone who came after you? You were joking but, but you seemed really into the idea! We could do that!

Am I talking too much again? You can tape up my mouth if you want, or break my arm for scaring you, or for being so arrogant, or—

Don't you—don't you want that to continue?

Nothing has to change!

Just throw me into that chair and lock the door and don't give me anything to eat for a week in punishment and raise my price and things can go back to the way they were! Or however way you want them to be!

Ack—Y-you're really pulling again, I can feel your nails really digging into my scalp—No, that's not a complaint!

I'll be good! I'll do anything! Anything—just please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't throw me away!

Pl—

…Really?

You'll do it? You will?

Thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthank—

Mgh! I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now.

…Do you… do you want me to kiss your feet? Hehe, of course I'd be happy t—

Nngh! You're pulling my hair really hard…

You should… you should lead me around your house more like this. I have to bend at such an awkward angle when you pull like this…

Ah! Right, sorry, I'm sorry, I'll be good.

…

…Um.

We… just passed the basement?

…

…Why are you… unlocking the front door?

…Hey?

…

…Um, um that's the—that's your car. Why are you—

Aah! Wait, no, even if you shove me into your—You're just—You lied to me!

No—wait—I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get mad and accuse you of anything! Please, don't throw me away! I'll be good! I can—I can be useful!

I'm obviously already yours, but I could really b—

Stop, wait, don't close the car door! I'll—UGH!

Ow, you really… you really hit my stomach hard…

…That's what I get for not cooperating? I'm sorry…

…

Nngh…

…

W-wait, don't start driving, I—ow—Wait! Don't you want this too?

I know it wasn't just my imagination! You—hng—you enjoyed this too, didn't you? You insist you're not like that, but you actually really like having someone at your mercy, d-don't you?

I can be that for you! You don't—you don't have to do this! I'd be really happy like this, so won't it work out for both of us if you—

You can, you can, keep extorting my parents for larger and larger sums of money! I know they've set aside a fund for my inheritance—even if it's smaller than my brothers', it's still enough for you to live a comfortable life! And then I can stay with you forever, so…

Aren't I talking too much again? Aren't you… going to punish me for this? I know you want to.

So won't you—Ahh, you really kicked me hard—Won't you please recon…

…Why are you stopping? Y-yeah, this place is pretty remote, but we're in the middle of the road… W-wouldn't it be better to turn arou—

Wait, no, nononononononono please don't bring out the chloroform, wait, please, don't throw me away like this, I can be good, wait wait no wait, please—

Please don't leave me like this!

The Universe Will Always Love You (For You Have Always Been One Of Us)

Little lost starchild Fear not the violent nights Nor the evanescent days A blade of shining jade Shall keep you from harm Underneath the stars Which you once called home Unwavering devotion Shackled by sin A silent plea many hear Though few will ever heed A curse born of a wretched world It stains a fated soul inky black An unwanted destiny Set for a beloved bond Watch the realm crumble to ash Mortal and god fall alike Little world eater Pay no heed to this world It has done you no favors Listen to our call Dearest light Coalesce the taint And devour it whole A false godlings command Means very little in our eyes Those who interfere Who dare to chain our children Shall be brought to ruin Take your treasure and run He will be safe with you Anything to keep you happy Our beloved starchild