Chris-kalani - Kalani Fell Apart

i am 100% aware of the fact that i hate myself.

if you think self-awareness is going to encourage me to actually do something about it you are very very

wrong.

i know things i could do to make myself happier, but i won't. even attempts at removing things from my life i actively dislike, i still feel a desire to go back to them.

i've found that pain is a lot easier of a feeling to maintain. happiness always feels fleeting. i just want to feel something. there's nothing here for me besides the same collection of walls i've known for my whole life.

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

lost my pfp a while ago (like a couple months i think?). not sure why or when exactly it happened. still weird. i haven't opted to replace it because i don't really have anything good to replace it with atm.

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.

man playing some tf2 someone was really toxic. i ended being a little toxic back and felt horrible. like, i wasn't nearly to the same degree as them, but still. i normally barely say anything.

i'd report them but it'd feel a bit hypocritical since i was kinda mean back. i got possessed by the mean gamer for a couple sentences back there.

hopefully i can sleep tonight.

last night i kept waking up like, every 15-30 minutes. to be quite honest, i'm not sure if i ever did go to sleep in the first place. not seeing anything for a period of time could just mean my eyes were closed.

i do think however i did dream a couple of times...i think? maybe?

i just want to sleep and feel well rested for once. nothing seems to help.

got self-concious and wiped my account. turns out not having anything posted makes porn bots follow you like crazy.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

i don't want to simply be told that everything will be okay. that's meaningless to me. just empty words.

i need everything to be soundly proven it will be okay, without a shadow of a doubt.

but with so many spiraling thoughts in my head, it's a fight against my mind you'll never win.

i'll never win.

i'm going to spiral forever.

i'm going to feel sick forever.

i'm going to be scared forever.

calling for help is still instinctual, even if i know it's meaningless.

i don't know what else to do.