This Is A Rant, But I Feel Like I Need It.
this is a rant, but i feel like i need it.
all of high school i submersed myself
with band
and it was quite competitive, really.
so much self hate,
surrounded by both the kindest people and
the most self-absorbed losers.
i really beat myself up trying to climb the hierarchy.
i even tried to quit when it became
too much to handle.
gaslit into staying, i still felt unwelcome.
i wasn’t necessarily on the bottom, i was
a section leader and was loved by my
section.
i still craved a sense of belonging.
marching didn’t come easily to me,
not like it did for most everyone else.
i couldn’t physically do it and i just figured
maybe i’m not pushing myself like everybody
else?
maybe i’m just lazy and don’t want to put the work in?
but that’s not how i truly felt.
i was going to physical therapy but nothing
was improving.
maybe everybody else is in pain too,
and i’m the only one not pushing through it.
constantly beating myself over the head
and then sitting out for reps.
i really did feel terribly embarrassed.
turns out all along i’ve had a rare genetic
connective tissue disorder.
And what the hell is Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome anyways?
I often wonder what I could’ve done differently
for my friends to have liked me.
I understand why many peeled off when
i had a kid,
but i felt the falling out way before that.
perhaps i get too excited that i drive people away.
it just feels terrible that i don’t have friends
that i can look back on the memories and laugh.
all i feel is hurt.
i’m getting married next year.
i won’t have any bridesmaids
or a maid of honor.
just the strange faces of my siblings
that have also outgrown me,
and the parents i worked so hard to leave.
travis’s family beside mine,
in a broken room
listening to broken music
with our broken families.
i almost would rather not have a wedding.
i have close to nobody
and my only happiness is within travis and niamh.
More Posts from Ceramic-feelings and Others
I can't sleep
Even in the darkest hours
My eyes lie bright and open
Not to be faltered by dreariness.
I go three nights,
Wide awake,
And silent during the most boring nights
Of my whole life.
And once again,
I lie awake at 7:14am on Tumblr
Complaining about my inability
To rest my thoughts
Because maybe they're overcoming me
And maybe i'm so consumed
That they wont let me go.
My thoughts won't complete,
And I can hear them cycling
All at once in my head.
I just lay here,
And my thoughts have become
So unfathomable.
I can't hear the words of my own thoughts,
I can only feel the colors.
Pink pouring out of my ears,
Yellow from my eyes,
Red throughout my fingers as I type.
My eyelids, relentless.
I have no purpose in sleep.
~ceramic-feelings
a grain of sand on the beach
sifted by undulations,
where the ocean can reach—
sinking deeper in the tidal invasion.
You have a nice chest. You should show it off more in your photo posts here.
My chest?
You mean like this?
You DO have some amazing hips...
Wow thanks! I totally use them when I walk
Norah Jones and Tracy Chapman
Echo the walls of a house I once lived.
Pizza in the oven,
Silverware laid out,
Mama singing out of tune.
Memories used to be comforting
Now there’s nobody home..
:')
You don't notice
The everlasting sorrow
That's drowning out
The life in my eyes.
I'm weeping inside,
But you're only seeing
Soft flesh
Carrying a fabric
That lays loosely over my body.
I am but merely an item,
That had been claimed
The moment you rest your body
Against mine.
All my self worth plummeted
In a matter of seconds,
And I have never felt so ashamed.
~ceramic-feelings
i hid in the shower
with the lights off
holding my hands to my ears
the sound of water becomes muffled
and the tears of the shower are one with my own.
the child is homeless
searching for life,
on land that is loamless
and cuts like a knife.
a boy with no friends
living skin and bone
has to make amends;
society’s steppingstone.
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