Raf Esquivel - Blog Posts

Absurd and delightful scenario:

Smokescreen is taking the Team Prime kids out for a drive, to get them out of Ratchet's figurative hair and give the old boy some quiet time.

They spot a fundraiser carwash and the humans convince him to go through - they have cash and want to donate because it's for a cause they all really like (or something).

Before any of them can really see too much someone's thrown a bucket of sudsy water over the car, and suddenly BAM! There's a pair of very big honkers in a teeny tiny bikini top scrubbing the windshield.

Everyone is freaking out. Jack, Miko, and Raf are all screaming while the older two try to shield Rafs eyes. Smokescreen has no idea how to feel about this, he's panicking, feeling things he isn't sure he's supposed to feel. Is he into this? Does he have a fetish now? But simultaneously he's horrified because his charges are inside of him while all of this is going on and OH PRIMUS NOW THERES THREE PAIRS OF BOOBS?!?!

He is so embarrassed that he peels out of there as fast as he's able, uncaring that he is still covered in soap. The kids are still screaming, now being tossed around inside the car as he Tokyo-drifts it out of the parking lot.

As soon as they're back on the road everyone gets super quiet and awkward for a solid five minutes. Finally Smokescreen asks that they don't tell Optimus about this. They all agree. Another few minutes go by, Miko gets anxious and suggests turning on the radio. Smokescreen does so, but the station he lands on is playing the new Bruno Mars/Sexxy Red song, and it just so happens to be in the second verse at this point.

Titties on your forehead, titties on your chin. Titties on titties with my big titty friends.

The radio goes off again, and they drive the rest of the way back to base in silence.

*probable* tfp quotes:

Wheeljack - Frag.

Ratchet - Can you watch your mouth?! There are children present.

Raf - I've heard cuss words before, y'know?

Ratchet - I was talking about Smokescreen!!

...

Smokescreen - TTATT

Incredible. Thank you for sharing this.

As a paramedic, Ratchet's alt mode in tfp driving around Jasper is hilarious to me.

We usually know who is on what ambulance unit and where the other ambulances are. They have GPS trackers on them/on the ambulance's phone, so dispatch can see where they are. Jasper is a small town, so their EMS/Fire dept is likely small as fuck. So the first responders all likely know each other and what's going on.

NO ONE can track this weird ass ambulance. Dispatch has no idea where it came from.

The other medics in Jasper being like "what fucking unit is that" or "what THE FUCK." There's no department marking or star of life on Ratchet's alt's exterior, but it has lights and sirens. Which is fucking illegal.

The other first responders talk about the Mysterious Unknown ambulance that is OCCASIONALLY spotted like a fucking cryptid. It becomes an inside joke/urban legend.

Team Prime bebes...

A quick fanfic art cover for my story : And then there were four. Older Jack, Miko, Raf, and newest addition Theresa.

Its total crack, no seriousness involved whatsoever. But if you're into such ridiculousness, you should check it out. My handle on AO3 is ChaoticReverie

Made another crossover

Story in the nutshell : Akaza trying to complete his redemption mission by helping alien robots protecting Earth and has his patience being tested.

You can find the fic in Ao3 : Redemption || KNY X TFP ||

Dadchet

ratchet: everyone will love you raf! trust me

raf: that’s absurd ratchet, not everyone-

ratchet: who

raf: what-

ratchet, charging up his welders: GIMME THEIR NAMES

Me??? Projecting on Optimus Prime????? Blasphemy. Could never happen, you're being ridiculous. More likely than you'd think.

You know those "I am not a robot" tests that some websites require? Well the autobots sure didn't. Ratchet is the first to find out. He's just doing some regular every-day stuff on the monitor (definitely not googling something one of the kids said because he didn't understand it even a little bit, shut up Miko), and suddenly this page full of jibberish pops up along with the little, "I'm not a robot" box. Naturally, Ratchet masks his confusion with pure rage, because how is he supposed to use this garbage earth technology when every resource requires him to copy down a word that isn't even there because it's literally just scribbles?????? After he learns what it is, he'll just angrily ask Raf to fill it in for him, though he is considerably insulted that this stupid little test works on beings as advanced as Cybertronians.

When Optimus first sees the test, he just freezes in complete confusion. He's completely bluescreened. The monitor told him to pick all of the pictures with the bicycles. He did that. How was he wrong. The screen told him to pick two items that are the same shape, but he is literally trembling, about to shut down like a microsoft computer because none of them are the same shape. How can they be the same shape if they're different colors aND DIFFERENT FUCKING SIZES-

Everyone looks at him in confusion when a static-electricity-like sound emanates from his head, and then he just slowly slumps to the ground because the confusion made his processor glitch, and the kids could practically hear the windows shutdown music as he just dropped to the floor. (This isn't the first or last time this has happened. This is the reason he doesn't try to understand the more confusing gen-z memes. If you've ever seen videos from Orion Zax on youtube, think the oven joke video, and that's literally just this. If you haven't, look it up, it's great)

You know a funny thing to think about is if cybertronians have some like, goofy ass software/hardware limitations.

Like those clothes designed to confuse ai image recognition, would they just not be able to comprehend what they're looking at like some eldrich monstrosity?

Or I've seen videos where someone is speaking polish but it's pronounced like it's english and I'm just imagining that shit messing with their translation software.

Would their vision bug out if they're near something radioactive like a camera would?

Feel free to add onto this if anyone has more thoughts.