Marcus Junius Brutus - Blog Posts

I don't know who the fuck censored "hell" in that last image, but it sure as shit wasn't me. What is this, 3rd grade internet?

These are hilarious!

The Romans and Friends on Karaoke Nights

Caesar: Is the only one sober. Only sings bc the others beg him to. Does "All of Me" and is surprisingly good with the high notes

Pompey: Performs "Crocodile Rock." Throws up into someone else's hat that he thinks is his. Did not come in a hat.

Cleopatra: Nails "Hello", has the others crying

Brutus: is very shy and only gets up to sing when he's sufficiently inebriated and Cassius goads him into performing. Surprises everyone with how impeccably he sings Jeff Buckley's cover of "Hallelujah"

Antony: Drunk off his ass, sings mostly hit classics like "Mr. Brightside", "What's my Age Again", and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" bc he has a *type* for music and it's all 2000s nostalgia

Octavia: Sings "Love Story" and "White Horse" by Taylor Swift while mildly tipsy, trips slightly on the stage but goes on singing

Cassius: Will only sing Fallout Boy. Gets really into his performance of "Centuries" but passes out afterwards and asks for more shots the moment he wakes up

Octavian: Sings "Bad Guy" by Billie Eilish while making unnerving eye contact with Antony

Cicero: gets too drunk and throws up in bathroom without ever singing, cries about his divorce when Cleopatra sings "Hello"

Apart from Cleopatra, who would probably be double majoring in linguistics and history, these are largely accurate. 

The Romans and Friends as College Majors

Caesar: Political Science

Cleopatra: Medicine

Brutus: English

Cassius: Philosophy

Antony: Kinesiology (he's a student athlete and got paid to be there)

Cicero: Law

Octavian: Psychology

Crassus: Business

Pompey: General Studies

LOL=Leaping off lanista

Is Your Child Texting About Ancient Rome?

OMFG= oh, my fire's gone! (thanks Crassus)

WTF=where's the flammeum? (seriously, I'm about to get married here)

SMH= Someone marry her (off)

IDC= I'm dating Cleopatra

IDK=I'm dating Kleopatra (but spelled in the original Greek way)

BTW= Bring the wine (they're probably texting a slave)

LMAO= let's murder an official

GTG= get the garum

IKR- I killed the republic

LOL.

The Romans When They're Drunk

Caesar: He doesn't get drunk, and no one encourages him to. They don't know what he's like drunk, and they don't want to know

Antony: Is a really happy drunk. Cuddles with everyone and impulsively buys all kinds of nonsense. When he wakes up in the morning he's surrounded by his drunk purchases but has no idea who drained his bank account.

Brutus: Sobs hysterically, an absolute wreck. Tells you his whole life story and you'll find him throwing up in the bathroom later, Cassius holding his hair back while he has to listen to him cry about his past for the millionth time.

Octavian: Starts giving speeches to everyone while standing on the table. He thinks they're motivational, but they're complete gibberish.

Cassius: A bold, angry drunk. Will fight anyone and can make literally anything into a weapon.

Pompey: Calls everybody beautiful and suddenly is under the impression that he can sing and dance.

Caesar: Knowing when to shut up. 

Tertulla: Remembering when friends’ and relatives’ birthdays are.

Brutus: Any sense of self-preservation. 

Cassius: Seriously guys! It was a rhetorical question. 

Cassius: other than cooking, what basic life skills don't I have?

Damn! This is both funny and accurate.

Can I Copy Your Homework?

Caesar: I'll help you with it!

Cassius: Yeah sure

Antony: Bold of you to assume I did the homework

Pompey: Lol nope

Brutus: Wait we had homework??

Octavian: *Read 5:55 PM*

Ancient Romans’ Ideal Dates

Mark Antony: A day at the Circus Maximus, followed by bathhouse sex. 

Julius Caesar: A private tour of the new arena he sponsored, then a discreet dinner at his client’s house. 

Cassius: Dinner at a restaurant he picked at the last minute. 

Brutus: A romantic candlelit dinner at his house. 

This is pure comedy gold.

If the Romans Had Outgoing Voice Messages

Caesar: Hey it's Julius. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll - Antony! What the HELL are you doing?? Don't touch that!

Antony: Yo, it's Antony. If you call back and I don't answer, it means I can't answer. Send a text. I might read it. If it can be said in text, then for the love of God, text.

Brutus: Hi! It's Brutus. Um, I'm really super sorry I couldn't get the phone, I swear I'll call you back as soon as I can. Um, if you wanna call my work phone it's xxxxxxxxxx. I'll respond, probably, I might be busy and I can't take personal calls unless it's an emergency but I can try - (BEEP)

Cassius: Hey if this is Octavian bothering me again I swear to God I will punch your fucking lights out. If this is anyone else call back later

Pompey: it's Pompey. Call back later.

Octavian: The person you have dialed is unable to receive your call. Please call back later or leave a message after the tone.

Cato: Alexia? Alexis? Alexa! How did I work this? Alexa won't turn on! This is Cato

LOL. This is hilarious. 

If the Romans and Friends Made YouTube Videos

Caesar: How NOT to Invade Britain

Antony: My Trip to Egypt (Gone Sexual)

Brutus: I Stabbed a Guy?? (EMOTIONAL)

Cassius: You Won't BELIEVE What I Convinced My Friend to Do (SOMEBODY DIED) (NOT Clickbait)

Cleopatra: Doing My Eye Makeup While I Prepare for War

Octavian: I Inherited an Empire (RIP Uncle Julius)

Pompey: We're Not Bros Anymore (GONE WRONG) (GONE VIOLENT)