Why Am I So Anxious. He Called Me Good Boy After I Joined Him, Then I Went To Go Wash Up Before Bed,
Why am I so anxious. He called me good boy after I joined him, then I went to go wash up before bed, and every few seconds I got pangs through my body like I could sense he was saying stuff. Obviously he wasn't. But my head kept saying things like "come back, puppy" "You're not making owner very happy" "very disobedient. You don't want me, do you?" and I had to physically hold myself from getting my phone to check if he was messaging me. I got really scared. I don't like being like this.
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No cuz I'm actually so pissed why didn't he tell me he wasn't gonna sleep call with me . Why didn't he say he was gonna be chilling out with someone else. I just want communication it's not fucking hard. I communicate everything to you and you don't communicate back. It's not fair.
Vero/Kit . 21 . It/They/He
Autistic traumagenic did system with bpd. This is a blog for us to keep our stuff on. Maybe make friends idk. Mostly Vero probably.
Not going to censor anything we say (as this is going to act as a sort of "open communication line" as we don't have good internal communication), but will tag appropriately.
DNI: under 18s, gatekeepers, "disorder police", cringe haters
BYF: This blog will contain NSFW, trauma-sharing, fictional depictions of sensitive topics, self-harm discussions, favourite person discussions. Probably more, will try to add accordingly.
Frequent fronters:
Vero: host. Subhuman dogthing who has intense source ties (delusional.) and needs intense therapy. Copes with his source which is a fictional world we created.
93: autism holder. Likes webcore, viruscore, and old technology. Interact with care.
Coda: persecutor. Not good, lets put it that way. Usually only around if Vero is around.
His puppy. His puppy. Butterflies in my stomach.
A part of me thinks "let's see how long that lasts" but idc I'm euphoric rn. And sobering up too but euphoric mostly.
That explains why he wasn't talking to me last night. Or sleep call with me. Cuz he was sleep calling with another person. And it wasn't even his weird American friend thing. I'm going to do what he did last night and ignore the message. Purposefully ignore it so he knows I'm not happy. Is it so hard to communicate with me that you're going to be with someone else. Is it so hard to tell me what you're doing and what your plans are. Asshole.
I'm having a freak out. Idk if I'm splitting or what but I'm freaking out. And I'm purposefully ignoring him. I need to. I can't fucking deal with him right now. Not because of anything he's done I just. I can't do it. But I need him. I need him to feel stable. Fucking kayemess. I need more people to talk to. I need more people that can be there for me. I hate being in servers where I try so hard to be active and make friends, then vent my feelings and nobody fucking says anything. They just blank me. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I hate this.
Came home from work in such a dog mindset and I had one single drink and it made it so much more intensified… then I sat on the floor and he petted my head… then he gave me belly rubs… then scratched… then kissed… then spat in my mouth… then choked me… then gave me scars… then punched me… basically I got (consensually) abused and I loved it and took it like a boss. (All I actively did was lay down and follow orders (up, roll over, down…..) … maaajor need 2 live like this forever)
Drawing based on things that happened this weekend... I love putting myself into source things instead of source me in source things.
