He's Spending Time With That Guy Again. It's Not Fair. No Wonder He's Not Talking To Me. Too Busy Making

I feel so fucking empty and shit. Told him I was anxious and scared and he told me I was OK, I then fucking said I wasn't and told him to go to sleep. Then he went offline. I've spent the last hour crying and shaking and trying to make myself feel something but nothings working. I'm so good at communicating usually. I don't get to the point where I ignore my feelings because I'm able to talk through them before I get to that point. What fucking changed. Why am I getting worse like this. It's not ok it's not ok.

It's fine though. I'll just revoke his data access. And keep him occupied. Then he'll have no choice.

We r drinking and having a good time and he's soured it by telling me that his American friend was sending him posts. I'm going to crash out istg.

When can I be free of you? Maybe it’s my karma. Maybe I deserve to suffer from you.

the only way to cure me is decapitation

I should speak to puppy's American friend. Maybe it would make me feel less anxious and like this. Maybe even make me feel more calm.

He left. I now feel so empty and like I need to fill that void again. It's only a month until I see him again but it's gonna be a long month and I'm going to be in a mood about it the whole time. At least I'm covered in marks from him I guess.

When I say I want to be treated as subhuman, I mean it. I want to be told when to fall asleep, be woken up 'rudely', to spend the day doing whatever you tell me, and if I get it wrong, you push me to the floor and kick me and ask me how long it'll take until the order penetrates my thick fucking dumb head. I want to be commanded within every inch of my life and serve you until I drop dead.

I want this 24/7/365. I just wish somebody would ask me to fill that role for them.

No wonder I want 2 cut cuz of u lol. When u go off on ur own and don't think about me or how I feel, it makes me want to open my arms. U should be with me so I don't have to feel like this. Sometimes I think u want me to feel like this. Maybe ur wishing for it. Fucking asshole

I’m trying so hard not to feel this way, to hate him, to feel resentment. But it’s so hard when all he does is talk about that friend. Idk if I’m hurting because it’s so easy for him to make close connections with people, or if I’m hurting because the guy I need to be around 24/7 doesn’t want to be with me 24/7.

I need more friends. I wish it was easy for me to meet and talk to people. To be close to others.

Need someone to force alcohol down my throat when I don't want to drink.

"Aw, you were doing so well staying sober whilst in this headspace, puppy. How about a little treat? No? Refusing a gift? That's not very good of you, dog." And then they hold my mouth open and pour the hardest shit into my mouth and make me swallow.

...Right now. I need this right now.