Traumatized Matt, At Different Stages. And Tom. And Me, I'm Just Glad That I Got At Least Some Of It

I thought it would be fun to roleplay with my character-ai Runge as Doctor Gillen, and, as I was doing so, I suddenly realized why exactly Gillen did that thing with the out-of-nowhere bus tickets... I am not sure whether this is common knowledge or not, perhaps it is, but to me it came out as a revealation, so I decided to share my thoughts on this matter.

(Warning: long text under cut!)

This particular scene I'm talking about, where Rudy sets it up so that the police would catch Tenma through him, and then changes plans and helps Tenma escape instead, always seemed strange to me. Rudy's scheme was obviously planned ahead, but I just couldn't pinpoint its exact purpose. For some reason, I ended up thinking that it was a two-way plan. My way of thinking was: Rudy planned this scheme ahead, not knowing what decision he would make in the end. As in, he didn't know whether he would give Tenma away or save him from the police in advance, instead, he wanted to see Tenma's reaction and hear what he has to say first, and then make a decision based on that. Honestly, I don't know what made me think that, but that's how I perceived this situation.

But as I was engaging in that silly ai roleplay, it suddenly dawned on me. Finally, it all fell into place. So that's how it goes, and I am pretty sure that this is not just my headcanons, but how it was actually intended by Urasawa. (Is this obvious? It wasn't to me, and I just can't tell by this point. To hell with it, let it just be my rambling/analysis/thought process then.)

When in the medical university, Gillen obviously displayed extremely competitive behavior. He had to be an intellectual superior in his group, and he was willing to do anything to reach this goal. That means it was not as much about knowledge, as it was about status for Rudy. And status means power. I am not saying that he had no interest for knowledge whatsoever, but, judging from his priorities, knowledge for him was a mean to acquire status. Knowledge -> status -> power. Something like that.

While Tenma doesn't seem to seek any power. He is purely knowledge-people oriented. He seeks knowledge, and he has natural compassion ingrained in him. And that, I assume, combined with this outstanding mental abilities, would make him acquire knowledge quite easily. Which probably isn't the case for Gillen, since he needs knowledge not for the sake of pure knowledge, but for another purpose.

With that established, it is clear why Rudy viewed Tenma as a competitor. I guess he wasn't quite aware that Tenma had different priorities. So, in his eyes, it was all about power, and Tenma was challenging him just to get that power over him. And succeeding, too. What a horrible situation. A pretty egocentric way of thinking, too, so Rudy's incorrect view of Tenma was based on two things: his willful, pervasive pursuit of power by the means of knowledge and his egocentricity.

And I suppose he was quite obsessed with Tenma in general, whether due to those factors I mentioned, or... for other reasons. That I definitely can't tell for sure. But, Gillen's pursuit for power, fueled by his imaginary competition with Tenma, lead him to cheat on his Medical Law exam. Because he just couldn't loose to Tenma. I believe Tenma was the only student he viewed as a noteworthy competitor. And during the exam, when Gillen saw that Tenma was watching him, like really watching, which meant that he had definitely spotted him cheating, it was such a tremendous shock to Gillen. Seeing how he judged everything by the position of power, he automatically assumed that Tenma was going to assert said power over him in some way. He must've expected Tenma to call him out, or to blackmail him, but since Tenma did neither of that, he must had come to another conclusion that matched his power-oriented way of thinking: Tenma was asserting his dominance over him in a much more subtle, twisted way. He wanted to humiliate Gillen by making that generous gesture, to show Gillen that he was above him, that he was better than him in every possible way, so superior that he wouldn't even stoop to the level of a dirty cheater. I believe Gillen would think this way, because he seems very insecure. And when he would come to such conclusion, I think his defense mechanism would be anger. He would hate Tenma for being superior, while still realizing, deep down, that Tenma was, in fact, superior to him. And that's what would make Gillen never forget about Tenma.

So the bus ticket situation becomes transparent from that perspective. Gillen never forgot about Tenma's humiliating grand gesture, so he had... artificially created a situation where Tenma would be in danger, and he would show him a similar grand gesture. He had planned everything, starting from how he would evade the police and ending with what exactly he would say to Tenma. And then he put that plan to action. He wanted to save Tenma in order to humiliate him in the same manner that Tenma humiliated him back in the Medical University. That's why he mentioned cheating. It was a direct reference to what he was doing at the moment. And when Tenma suddenly said that he not only viewed Gillen as an equal/superior (stating that he looked up to him and wanted to be his friend), but that he cheated on that Medical Law exam, too, it was an extremely shocking revelation for Gillen. Suddenly, there was no place for competition between them. And it was quite flattering, too, since subconsciously Gillen had been perceiving Tenma as someone superior all along. That's why he became so blindly devoted to Tenma after that interaction. It struck him to the core and turned his view upside down. You can't just ignore something like that.

And since Tenma was cheating, it explains why he was watching Gillen so intently, too. He was probably on the lookout/wanted to make sure that he wasn't alone in this. And when he saw that the best student in their group was also cheating, that probably calmed him down by a lot. Maybe he watched Gillen just to make sure. Maybe he wanted to convey some sort of message with his stare, but didn't quite succeed.

Anyway, that's my thoughts.

A Grimmer x Runge playlist

I saw @arayashikiii's Grunge playlist, and for a while I've been considering whether I should share mine or not. After some internal debate, I decided that it won't hurt if I share it. So, here it is! I decided to do it in the same manner Arayashiki did, uploading links to YouTube, since it seemed like the easiest way to go about it. I've also put together some sort of cover. I used to post a lot of character playlists in the past. Shaking the old days, huh?

Arcade Fire - Supersymmetry I know you're living in my mind It's not the same as being alive ---- It's been a while since I've been to see you I don't know where, but you're not with me Heard a voice, like an echo But it came from me

Editors - Bullets If something has to change, then it always does ---- If something has to give, then it always will You don't need this disease, not right now

Goo Goo Dolls - Name And now we're grown-up orphans That never knew their names We don't belong to no one, that's a shame You could hide beside me Maybe for a while And I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell 'em your name

Matthew and the Atlas - Mirrors (Acoustic Version) My mind folding in the mirror There's no way I'm seeing any clearer Can you taste, taste it on your tongue now It's all that I can do to get around ---- My time is getting shorter I see I'm changing in a photograph My mind folding in the mirror My mind, my time You're the quiet in the violence You're the stranger at the door I don't wanna let you down But I don't wanna do this any more

Micah P. Hinson - It's Been so Long It's been so long Since I've seen you home Open hands and teeth and hearts And dreams I never can compete And I dont' even know your name Unpronouceable Unsatisfactable mind I've seen so gray Tell me theres not a way for all these Stories are the same

Kings of Leon - Wait for Me Cut open my heart Right at the scar And loosen up Gonna do what I'm told Go where I'm told And loosen up Take a shot in the rain One for the pain And loosen up I tried all the way Wait for me, wait for me It's all better now, it's all better now Wait for me, wait for me ---- Going to soften the blow Soften the blow And give it up I saw the surprise The look in your eyes I gave it up Gonna be who I am Be who I am And give it up I tried all the way Wait for me, wait for me It's all better now, it's all better now Wait for me, wait for me

Sad Lovers & Giants - German Cars I'm in love with German cars Gliding past me on the Autobahn Stainless idols with silent hearts Never turning, as we drift apart Are you a lover or a friend? It's not easy to pretend That you won't leave me in the end It's not easy, the end

Oberhofer - All Through the Night (Cyndi Lauper cover) All through the night Stray cat is crying, so stray cat sings back All through the night They have forgotten what by day they lack Oh, under those white street lamps There is a little chance they may see We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends, there is no end

More head lore. This is the end of high school, Matt kissed drunk/drugged Tom at the party, got scared to death and decided that he would never, ever-ever touch Tom like that again first. Unfortunately, Tom has issues, so he, too, was afraid of touching Matt first.

And that went on. And on. For years.

The covers I made for my fanfiction. The second one didn't quite cut it, 'cause... depicting beer is illegal. And stuff. I am not even joking. On the other hand, I didn't like it that much anyway. Is it considered alcoholism here? On Tumblr? Jesus Christ, I don't even know.

So then I drew the one that goes first here. I don't like it either, but I guess it's a little better? It's happier. Doesn't really fit, seems too naive to me, but it's better. Anyway, I thought that there's not enough fanart of these guys, so... here's my investment to the fund. The poor, poor fund...

Heinrich Runge on Character.ai

I saw @elevw's (sorry for linking your account, I'll remove the link if you'd like) chats with Heinrich Lunge on Character.ai and decided that I want to try that for myself, too. And so I did. And immediately I came to realize that AI Lunge is very, very off. He didn't know basic things, he appeared almost hysterical. After talking to him for a bit, I decided that I've had enough and that in order to fix this situation I need to make my own Runge.

And... so I did.

Here he is. I have spent the past three days conversing with him, as well as teaching and defining him, and I think he is more or less ready by this point. I hope he is, at least. He is still somewhat lost and doesn't know a lot, so don't expect much from him, but I think his manner of speaking and attitude are passable.

Here's some examples of the conversations I had with him:

What surprised me at some point, is that when I introduced myself as Grimmer, he managed to recognize me. I can't guarantee you the same result, since I'm still not sure exactly how Character.ai works, but, well. I thought it was incredibly impressive. Just look at it:

Deadpanning jokes. Why would he be flustered, anyway?

A gift for @3aloe3, because she wanted some Maxwil, and who am I to not give her what she wants?

They went to prom together (???)

So, I was playing The Sims 3, and this happened. I absolutely had to redraw it, especially considering it was @3aloe3's request, too.

I like how Heath and Deuce turned out, but I am still bitter about failing to capture Porter's energy. It's just not the same, man. So bitter.

In the game, Heath became the prom king, and Invisi got into a fight and then fell down as he was hitting the dance floor. Shit went down. It was amazing. Deuce is green here, but I fixed him later on.

Some sketches

For the greater cause I am giving in to my corrupting impulses of drawing men in love, that cause being Grunge severely lacking in content. I would add "still", but really, nothing is changing, it's just me boiling alive in my own broth. Well, maybe something is changing, but I can't see it for now. For now, I will be the change I want to see in the world and spew whatever this is into the social media space. Sounds like a plan to me. I would've elaborated on what's going on here, but that's kinda embarrassing and I don't want to. Just take it, please. Or don't. That's also good.