I'm So Sorry I Hurt You.. It Feels Like Swallowing Glass Every Time I Think It Was Never Your Fault.

Suzanne Scanlon, from "Committed: On Meaning and Madwomen," published in 2024

I keep getting harassed for my abusive past actions even though i'm trying my best to recover and said sorry, it makes me feel sometimes like I'm unfixable and just destined to be a monster forever, and that I deserve to feel in pain, how do I move on from that?

You aren't a monster or incapable of change. All you can really do though is keep your side of the street clean; keep doing better, and give yourself grace. We are allowed to be kind to ourselves, even when no one else is. We can't change the past, and we can't change how it affects other people, nor their response to what happened. I know it's a sucky thing to accept, and accepting that doesn't make any of those permanent, dehumanizing judgements true.

You are who you are today; not who you were before you learned better. Set boundaries as you need to, and remember there will always be people who will support and love you. People are complicated and far from perfect. There is a future for you, and that future can be bright and peaceful. Just stick around and keep going, and you'll find it. ♡

“You can romanticize me all you wish, but the devil wrapped in silk is still the devil.”

— A Word To My Lovers

WHAT IS POLYFRAGMENTATION

a common misconception i see in the community is that polyfragmentation refers to having a high alter count, and id like to talk about what it actually means polyfragmentation is characterized by a complex system structure, complex splitting patterns, a large number of fragments, a lack of non-dissociative coping mechanisms, and often trauma that began at an early age and impacted all areas of life COMPLEX SYSTEM STRUCTURE - often involving layers, subsystems, or other divisions within the system that keep alters separate in groups COMPLEX SPLITTING PATTERNS - this involves splitting in groups, splitting multiple alters to hold different parts of the same trauma, etc LARGE FRAGMENT COUNT - polyfragmented systems will have a high fragment count, fragments are alters who lack a full sense of identity LACK OF NON-DISSOCIATIVE COPING MECHANISMS - where splitting would typically be a last resort for most systems, polyfragmented systems can be pushed to the point of splitting much easier, even from daily life stressors EARLY LIFE TRAUMA - according to richard p kluft, polyfragmented DID is often caused by longstanding severe abuse beginning early in life - grey

you’re in her dms, i’m on her dni, we are not the same

“I am always between two worlds, always in conflict. I would like sometimes to rest, to be at peace, to choose a nook, make a final choice, but I can't. Some nameless, undescribable fear and anxiety keeps me on the move. On certain evenings like this, I would like to feel whole. Only a half of me is sitting by the fire.”

— Anaïs Nin, from “The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934.”

Guilt over being alive

Yohji Yamamoto - Talking to Myself // Richard Siken - Little Beast // xxxxxxxxxxx // Claudia Rankine - Don't Let Me Be Lonely // John Green - Turtles All The Way Down

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out