Feeling Validated, Heard, Seen, And Acknowledged In A Friendship Is So Important. It’s The Most Beautiful

Abusers don’t come with warning labels.  Abusers don’t hit you on the first date. They don’t write “I will humiliate and belittle you” on their Tinder profiles. They don’t wear “I break things to intimidate my partner” t-shirts. People don’t get trapped in damaging relationships because they saw an abuser coming from 20 yards away and decided “I’m going to date that person anyway”. That’s not how any of this works.  In the beginning, abusers can be some of the most thoughtful, attentive people you’ll ever meet. They’re obsessed with you; that’s what makes them so toxic and deadly as time goes on. Abusers buy you flowers. They remember your birthday. They remember to text you “good morning” and “good night”. They listen to your problems, confide in you and share silly inside jokes. They can keep that “loving, doting partner and best friend” mask in place for months or years if they have to.  So the first time they scream at you or hit you, you don’t see an abuser. You see your best friend, your confidante, the person who brought you soup when you were sick and always laughs at your stories about your nutty coworker. You tell yourself they just had a bad day. Maybe they were tired, sick, hungry, or under a lot of stress. You know them. You’ve made a life with them. And they’re so sorry and so ashamed of what they did. This isn’t who they are.  And so things go back to back to normal for a while. Wonderful, even. This is still one of the best relationships you’ve ever been in, even counting that one incident. You go back to date nights, cozy nights in and 5-hour-long conversations that feel effortless. And then it happens again.  And you still don’t see an abuser. You see the person who means the most to you in the whole world. You decide that maybe they’re just struggling. Maybe they have mental health issues. They’ve told you every horrible thing that’s ever happened to them as a child, and maybe it has something to do with that. But either way, they’re not an abuser. Not yet. They’re just a person who needs you more than ever.  Then things are good for a while. Then something bad happens. Then it’s good again. Then it’s bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. And every time it happens, it gets a little harder to get out. The time you’ve invested in the relationship goes up, and your self-esteem goes down. By the time you realize that, yes, the person you thought you knew is an Abuser with a capital A, you’re in deep. You’re a frog that stood in a pot of water so long it turned you into soup before you even noticed it was getting a little warm. But you didn’t ask for this. And you certainly didn’t know it was coming.  We have this image in our heads of what abusers must look like. We picture brawny men with low foreheads and stained white tank tops, screaming at their wives while they drink beer in front of the TV. We think they’re like wildlife, as if we could spot them with the help of a guidebook and know to stay far away from them. But they’re not. Abusers can be anyone. They can be female. They can be accomplished. They can be well-groomed. Queer. Politically far-left. Politically far-right. Artists. Athletic. Charitable. Intelligent. They can come from any walk of life, any spot on the gender spectrum, any religion, any background. It’s not the abused person’s fault for not spotting them - they can’t always be spotted. It’s the abuser’s fault for abusing. 

Horrifying. And worse, accurate.

You can be groomed for more than just sexual exploitation. You can be groomed into becoming someone’s caretaker, someone’s perfect fantasy, someone’s illusion of a partner they want. You can be groomed into being someone’s experiment or a toy. You can be groomed into believing you owe someone to take advantage of you thousand times. You can be groomed into giving all your resources and labour away. You can be groomed into rejecting your own humanity and offering yourself up as a servant or a resource to someone. Grooming can overtake any and all parts of your life.

The gangly man himself, Jonathan Crane

Batman Annual #19 || Scanned at 300dpi

For anyone who believes abuse is normal, inevitable, necessary, good to 'toughen you up' or something you deserved:

There are children out there who were never asked to accept 'tough love' as love. They've been given affection, acknowledgment, gentleness, consideration and care. And they're healthy and happy for it. They're not struggling to feel worthy of having their needs fulfilled. They are not weak, and they do not struggle with feeling weak for having a human need.

There are children out there who have done and said things, much worse than you've said and done, who've been forgiven. Their parents, or caretakers, understood they were kids, and that their intentions were those of a child, and forgave them without punishment, understanding that children need to be safe before being convenient. These children did not end up doing worse things. They grew up knowing compassion and not being scared their actions might bring unimaginable consequences.

There are children raised with a concept of freedom, who could choose their actions without worrying about being inconvenient or punished. There are children whose choices are supported, whose achievements are celebrated, and their chosen life path is lit up by the care and resources their families help provide to them. They don't have to live in secret. They don't have to feel ashamed about what they want. They don't need to do it all alone. They don't life in fear of failure.

There are parents out there who understand their role is to make their child protected and healthy. There are parents who never even thought about hitting their kids. There are parents who will do anything to prevent their child going thru the horrors of violence, aggression, someone lashing out at them, threats or abuse. These children walk the world feeling safer, like they belong, their humanity and feelings protected from harm.

There is a whole world out there that believes no child has deserved any of this harm. Only some people do these things to kids, only some people try to convince kids that these are 'good' things, or deserved things. They are not.

You deserved safety, dignity and grace growing up too. You deserved more than the hollow 'tough love' which was merely an excuse for not giving you the care you deserved. You would have turned out just fine. Abuse wasn't necessary, it wasn't normal, and it didn't help you. And it was avoidable. Nobody ever had to do any of that to you.

Abusers love to pretend to be misunderstood and dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern or fear at all times. They love to make out their past so it seems like they’re some kind of tragic hero, or someone who is only abusive because of everything they’ve bee thru. They will yell at you for “not considering their feelings enough”, you can recognize it in phrases “do you ever think about how it is for me? do you think i enjoy doing this?” as if you are the one ignoring their feelings, and not the reverse. Even when they look happy you’re supposed to always assume that deep inside they’re in some kind of pain and be as understanding as possible.

Don’t get fooled by this. People who are dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern, shame, and fear don’t take it out on their closest ones. People who are aware of what compassion is wont yell at you for not taking enough of their feelings into account. People who are living with pain and regret don’t look fucking smug and self-important all the time! People who live in shame wouldn’t risk hurting you and increasing shit they’re feeling ashamed about! People who are hurt and living in a lot of pain wouldn’t just go and try to make you feel awful about yourself too! They wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes or call you names or try to convince you that if they feel bad, you need to feel bad too, and if they are doing that, then you are not supposed to take their feelings into account anymore! 

Your empathy should not extend to those who have it as a goal to hurt you, when another person wants to cause you pain, this is where your empathy for them should end. No matter what they’re pretending to go thru, doesn’t it feel a little bit too convenient that their lives are so “tragic” and “misunderstood” and for that reason you’re supposed to just let them take it out on you and “understand where they’re coming from”? If they’re leading you to believe you’re a bad person if you don’t let them hurt you, they can just fuck off! It’s just a sham to make you believe that allowing them to cause you pain is noble from you, it’s not, your life has bigger value than to be a punching bag for someone, noble thing is to protect your life from that kind of parasite.

Sometimes your abusers will be extra nice to you after an event of horrendous abuse and it will feel transactional, like if you accept this niceness now, then you’ve accepted to forgive them for the abuse, then it’s all behind in the past and you’re perfectly happy to be on good terms with them again, and it will feel wrong and prickly like poison being injected into your body because no, you’re not okay, and no, you’re not forgiving them, you are not on good terms anymore, you do not want to act nice back, you do not want to accept niceness, you want to shut them out and be free from them forever. 

But you don’t dare to act out only because it might bring the horrendous abuse back. You have no choice but to let them believe all is well and forgiven and you’re a nice little family again and nobody is holding grudges. It feels like signing a contract against your will, confirming that the anger and the pain and the hatred will forever be festering inside of you, until they eat you alive, but you will never bring it up or act on it. It’s like being blackmailed to keep all of the consequences of abuse to yourself, and never let abusers experience any, because they’re currently being nice, and you can’t risk them being anything else.

And you know what, that contract is invalid. You were at a direct threat while you were displaying this behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to explode later. It doesn’t mean you have to keep consistent with what they expect of you. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to hold them accountable anymore. You were not leading them on to believe you’re fine with abuse, you were blackmailed and forced into taking over the consequences they deserved to bear. They still deserve it. Temporary niceness makes up for zero of the abuse. Nothing they do or preform or fake can make up for the abuse. Nothing can absolve them. None of your behaviour means they’re forgiven. You’re allowed to hold them accountable, to be mad, to show rage and coldness and consequences for however long you deem it prudent. Even if that is forever.

🦀 time for crab 🦀

today i summoned 34 crabs! look at them!

🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀

abusive parents will act like the world is insanely dangerous place where you get shot on sight as soon as you make a slightest mistake or displease anyone, when in reality the only place where this happens is your parents house

Thank you for these. <3

GRAVITY FALLS POST-ENDING HEADCANONS

- Dipper and Wendy swap hats every year

- Soos and Melody eventually have twins that live in Dipper and Mabel’s old room

- McGucket makes the old Northwest mansion into a mecha because he can…and because Soos hooked him on anime

- Ford and Stan visit the kids for Thanksgiving, which is why you see Mabel making Ford a turkey hand in the credits

- Bill is still kicking around somewhere in Stan’s subconscious, but it’s gonna take him a while to pull himself back together, much less be in a position to do any damage

- Since Soos moved into the Shack, Stan and Ford end up rooming with McGucket whenever they go back to Gravity Falls. Some of the weird creatures end up living in there too. It’s a big mansion.

- Stan still has occasional memory gaps, but he remembers the important stuff - anything to do with his family

- Stan pretended not to remember Ford just to annoy him. Ford is annoyed but hugs him anyway.

- Gideon starts sending his thugs after any bullies, not just ones who pick on him.

- Dipper and Mabel’s parents are understandably annoyed about the pig, but they leave it alone when they realize how much the kids have matured over the past few months. 

- (they are in fact, kind of worried about how much the kids have changed over the summer)

- Bill’s statue is still out in the woods. No one wants to go near it.

- …Except Dipper, who came across it the next summer and hangs out there sometimes when he wants to be alone and needs something to complain at that can’t interrupt him.

- (and if Bill ever meets Dipper again he’s going to have a lot to say about his petty human problems)

- Everyone involved in the circle eventually gets a tattoo of their symbol. They can’t exactly explain why, they just end up doing it on their own.

- Gravity Falls’ location? It’s in your heart.