Lucius, Describing Stede To A Store Clerk: He's About This Tall, Blonde Hair, Dark Eyes.... [raises Voice]

Blackbeard: I thought I was meowing back and forth at the cats for the last hour.

Blackbeard: Turns out, it was just me and Stede meowing at each other back and forth from different parts of the ship.

Stede, after 3 minutes of silence: You don't have to use the chopsticks just to impress me.

Ed, trying to pick up his soda with chopsticks: I told you I got this.

Black Pete, standing on the dinner table: This place has gone to HELL!

Stede, to Ed: He does this once a week.

[Izzy and Lucius reaching for a burger at the same time, their hands touch, their eyes meet]

Lucius: Hey, this is kinda gay-

Izzy: Get the fuck off my McDonald's.

Oluwande: Whenever Jim is mad at me, I tighten the lids on all the jars so they have to get help from me.

[glass breaks in the background]

Oluwande: It hasn't worked yet, but it'll happen.

Oluwande: Tell me your wildest fantasy.

Jim: I'm on Wheel of Fortune and I spin the wheel so hard it lights on fire.

Oluwande: I meant like-

Jim: Everyone claps.

Lucius: I have an empty notebook and no idea what to put in it. Any suggestions?

The Swede: Put spaghetti in it.

Lucius: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except you.

Roach: Put spaghetti in it.

Lucius: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except-

Frenchie: Put spaghetti in it.

Lucius: I am current-

Wee John: Put spaghetti in it.

Lucius: i am not longer taking suggestions

[on a deserted island]

Izzy, in his journal: Day 1. Alone. Mentally sound, doing well. Met a crab.

Izzy: Day 2. I have married the crab.

Izzy: Day 3. I have eaten my wife.

[introduction to the crew]

Stede, to Ed: Basically, the policy here is: if you SEE something, SAY something.

Roach: I saw a frog.

Stede: OUTSTANDING. This is what I'm talking about.

Stede: What are you doing?

Frenchie, taking a Buzzfeed quiz to see what kind of Poptart he is: work