Black Pete: If You Ever See Me Re-parking 500 Times, Mind Your Own Business.

Izzy: Edward, we've been looking all over for you. You can't just leave a sign on your desk that says "gone leavin'".

Stede: And now it's time for some witty back and forth banter!

Izzy: [screams with rage]

Stede: I don't know where to go with that.

Stede: What's with the napkin on the glass door?

Oluwande: The Swede keeps walking into the door, so I thought this would help.

The Swede, entering the room: Oh, wow! A floating nap-

The Swede: [walks into the glass door]

Stede: It's like the bad guys always know where we are!

Lucius: Stede, did you remember to set your Twitter location to private?

Stede:

Lucius: You set it to private, right?

Stede:

Lucius: stede

Blackbeard: Hey, Stede-

Stede: [crying softly in front of the TV]

Blackbeard: Oh, did the documentary mention another bird that mates for life?

Stede: [nods]

[on the crow's nest]

Stede: This is where I come to cry.

Ed: What?

Stede, sweating: I said this is where I come to be a cool guy.

[as ghost hunters]

Oluwande: I think a ghost just grabbed my ass!

Ghost: It wasn't me, it was Jim.

Jim: what the fuck dude

Stede: What are you doing?

Frenchie, taking a Buzzfeed quiz to see what kind of Poptart he is: work

Stede, after 3 minutes of silence: You don't have to use the chopsticks just to impress me.

Ed, trying to pick up his soda with chopsticks: I told you I got this.

[on a deserted island]

Izzy, in his journal: Day 1. Alone. Mentally sound, doing well. Met a crab.

Izzy: Day 2. I have married the crab.

Izzy: Day 3. I have eaten my wife.