Thesadboisclub - ℭ𝔢𝔫𝔬𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔢 ℭ𝔬𝔲𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢

My Dearest L...

I know. I know it's been a long time since I posted prob only been about a week or two but for me, it feels like years. I just wanted to clear my head and come on here and vent some shit out. you ever just sit in your room at night in the dark. FYI that is NOT what I am doing right now I am on my computer in the dark in my room XD but that is not what I'm trying to get at. now do you ever just sit there and think YES ENTHEO EVERYONE THINKS" thank's inner voice, anyways you're just thinking, and then that one thought comes into your head "I'm going to get arrested!!" did I do anything wrong no! did I steal anything NO! okay now though you may leave. but does it no... then you start thinking even more and you like back when I was 5 I stole gum that was like 50c now I'm going to damn jail and I'm never going to have a family or kids MY LIFE IS OOOVVVEEERR!!!!.... then you snap back to reality and you just are like what was I thinking about again...

My Dearest L...

Have you ever felt as if time wasn’t real? Sometimes I wish I knew why I was put on this earth at this point. Was there ever a real reason why I am here. Bec I would like to know why I have had to go through so much fucking pain in my life. Was there ever a reason for every time I have broken my heart and cried myself to sleep every night for weeks at a time...

MY DEAREST L…

I sit here today with a smoke in my hand and some unfortunate news I skipped work the other day not bec I wanted to, well that's I lie, I did want to not go that day but the thing is I hit up crazy girl. you know that series I was going to start but never got around to it, well I hit her up and went out to drink with her that night and I wasn't expecting to buy a bag but I did and things went south for me really fast it wasn't good shit and I wasn't feeling well at all, all night I just didn't want to be bothered and I was at the bar I wanted out of here. I honestly feel so bad with myself for doing that shit again. I just don't. want to go to that stupid job I'm at and drinking and lines are not taking me down the right path there making me feel like there is no meaning to life but when I do them I feel happier than when I'm sober. I've decided to take a break from the drugs and the alcohol for i bit to gather my mind. I've come to the realization that it's not the things I'm doing that's putting me down it's the job I'm at and the people I'm around that's doing it, I need to start actually living I'm 22 now and I still live at home while others are put there living there lives I just want to move on from this time in my life and actually start my own and being stuck in this house and town is starting to eat me alive. I can't take it anymore I can breathe, I have no space but leaving my mom behind is so hard for me I feel like I can't be we're so close together. like what is she going to do once I'm not here with her anymore? what is she supposed to spend her day doing when all she's done since I was born is be with me? I just don't know what to do anymore.

if anymore has any feedback or opinion please shear them I'd love to hear what you'd have to say!

My Dearest L...

I have this smoking habit that I'm trying to stop, but then I don't know why I'd stop when we're all going to die one day. do I have to stop because I want a few long years to live or should I stop because I want to be old enough to see my grandchildren? then comes the question will I ever have grandchildren? I'm single right now, correction I have "someone" but I don't know how long it's going to last cause it a long-distance R-ship and everyone knows how they tend to go. My longest one was I think a year long. I know this is going to sound bad to me. but don't judge till you know the whole story boys and girls. but I have this boy I started seeing before covid and I was already in my online R-ship but this guy was here in my home town and he knew I had the online boyfriend but I am yet to tell my online boyfriend about him, not because I don't want him knowing I just don't know how he's going to act knowing I have 2 boyfriends and NO I'M NOT A PLAYER.....I'm just poly and my online boyfriend knows I am. but now the boy that lived close to me. went home to Mexico for x-mas and he has not come back, I talk to him everyday. he told me he'd be back at the beginning of Jan but now it's the middle of Feb and I have two online R-ships and I'm left cold and alone in bed at night in the....dark...with my panic attacks...and my nightmares...to suffer all alone...in a cold beddd.

My Dearest L…

I’m sorry, it’s been so long. since i last wrote to you but i had to take time to myself and just focuse on the me in the now. but now i’m back and i’m off to walmart, to get some food. i’m also going to see my bestfriend today!!!! cuz she got me a gift for me and my sisiter. i wounder what it is, cuz lastnight she sent me a pic of a penis cookie. as funny as it would be i hope that’s not the gift XD cuz i want more of a superise you know. well till tonight. gtg byeeee....

My Dearest L...

The flames of a candle can only burn so bright till it dies out, there was once this dream I had where I was in a car and I saw my sister across a street looking at me and I was going to back the car into a driveway so I could pull into my friend's driveway, but as I was backing up behind me turned into a pond and the car slowly started to sink into the water I looked at me sister begging her to help me but she didn't move she just stood there looking at me as I was screaming fr her help sinking into this pond with the car. I managed to open my eyes but I could not see anything but the dream still in my line of vision, I heard everything going on around me but I could not move. when I finally managed to push myself out of this slumber I rolled over to my left and there was this big dark figure that stood from my floor to my ceiling it didn't seem like it wanted to hurt me but once I noticed it I turned I rolled to the right really fast and then rolled to the left to see if it was still there and it was gone...

Once again, I can't seem to sleep.....

Being with someone who wants to learn about your past history, not to punish or hurt you, but to learn how you need to be loved