Make It Stop

But sorrow is unreliable in that way. When people don’t share it there’s a good chance that it will drive them apart instead.

- Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove

I want to forget.

i no longer find the need to explain myself or the vast multitudes i contain.

some times what i feel is much too big, somehow entirely intangible and incomprehensible for the world at face value and i have made my peace with it.

i do, however, have a habit of leaving clues as footnotes, in digressions, in parentheses, and annotations in margins.

only those that pay attention may understand.

A cat lays in the sun

Belly up

Soaking in the warmth

His Sister comes by

What are you doing Brother

Trying

Said Brother

Trying?

Questioned Sister

With her black and white spots

Standing on end a bit

It appears you are doing nothing

She said

Does it?

He asked

Perhaps things are not

What they seem

He replied

And with that

He dragged himself up

Into a sitting position

I see you have moved

Said Sister

But sitting is not really trying

You think not?

Asked Brother

Quietly

I spent last night

Locked outside

Helping a friend who

Was cold and sad

That in turn made me

Cold and sad

This morning

When I came back in

I helped the Dog

Find its toy

(He always seems to lose it)

I’m tired

And a bit melancholy

So I’m trying to cheer up

By laying in the sun

This feels like real work

Like real trying

I see

Said Sister

You are trying very hard on the inside

And I couldn’t see that

So I assumed you were not trying

But now I see

I was wrong

Trying on the inside

May be the hardest trying there is

Thank you, Sister

Purred Brother

Thank you for trying to understand

Trying

Is everything

02.05.23

So, I've been pretty productive today. Did groceries and attended the lectures. Need to do a chap rn. I need to study and do well. I'll study till 9pm and then, sleep. Slept a good 10 hours yesterday. Sleep is the most important thing ever.

I wish 2021 never happened.

nothing can ever beat the combo of chai and a good book

02.03.23

So, today, I got done with a lecture that I've been putting off since December. Feel much more productive. I have a long day tomorrow. I have 2 more lectures to go through and a 5 chap test of physics tomorrow.

02.21.23

So, I found myself a study buddy and we're committing to a weekly schedule, rather than a daily one. It's much better on me mentally to have that. Also, I'm going through a lot right now. Ahh, I need to push through. I need to work hard.

A study buddy is important.

I get that you might not be able to understand my point of view, but that doesn't mean that you misunderstand when I'm trying to convey. Don't twist my words to form those judgemental opinions of yours.