My Impermanent Lover Made Out Of Snow I Rolled Him Up Just The Way I Wanted Lumpy And Imperfect

I stand with my feet In the water Letting the icy waves Bury my feet in the sand Erasing my footprints So I had never Walked here

The water that touches me Touches you It glides along your ankles And the tide rushes over us Though we stand In different oceans

When I get home My cat looks at me The same way she did Back then Only the fur on her chin Is gray now Her eyes are watery

There's a tap on my shoulder I know it's you I look behind me And all I see is the door I turn the lock Turn off the front light Going to bed without you

You're in between the sheets Your blankets are green Mine are brown Together we must be Like the earth That connects us

The salt of the sea Is on my skin I think that you can smell it That with my eyes closed Your arms around me Whispering Take me back there

My cat settles herself In the bend of my knees I wonder if she remembers you As she yawns loudly Falling asleep soundly Just as I do

"Be gentle with me" I say to myself, or to my thoughts I want to detach myself from them Thought and I Are not one in the same

Thoughts can be cruel tricksters Jokers and bandits They reside within me at times But they do not speak in my voice They snicker when I do not

"Be forgiving" I say to myself, in spite of my thoughts No one is as savage as they are Intruders, there is a "No Loitering" sign You can enter but you cannot stay

November was made for The dying, Vanity finally blown Away, exposing the Forests and meadows, Stripping them Down to their stems With no pretty little Leaf to entice anyone

Only the colder winds Shake these branches, The snapping Sticks laying helpless As they are crushed Under boots, breaking Beneath abandonment, The smell of their Decay a kind of comfort

I loved you once I gave it out freely Even generously But you did not Want love

You wanted affection Attention, you Wanted my time You took my energy I ran out

All lights are fireworks Since we made permanent July. Whether sunshine Or warm showers My rain, my sky, It's a permanent July.

In these darker days Bloom yellow roses I've grown for you In secret gardens. Still I can't explain just why Each new month is still July.

Your earth is warm, It melts my snow, My rocks and stones Make roads for you. Sit with me, watch all pass by, In our private, permanent July.

I would tilt the earth For snow drops and witch hazel For rare hints of color Bright against a white landscape

I would give up leaves For bare frosted branches I would banish the sun To see night in the afternoon

I would never swim again To skate across a frozen pond I would tear out July and August To have a calendar of Decembers

Give me a window that speaks That howls the names of blizzards I would tilt the earth To see cardinals shine in snow

I am yours in hallways In empty bedrooms Behind the buildings at night I am yours in moonlight I am yours in dreams

I am yours when no one's looking But that is always Always you are on my mind Always I am craving you Your touch that is Both physical and Soul crushing

I cling to you at midnight I taste your mouth When the others sleep When we are truly alone When I am free to Call your name In all the ways I need to

I might beg you I might be on the floor To steal you away I might actually try I might actually keep you And I would not be sorry

Unleash your body on me I need all of you Your skin, your scent I need to feel you need me To feel you shiver On my body To sweat with me

I could never kiss anyone But you No lips have ever fit mine No breath has ever tasted so sweet I would never touch another's lips Just to have yours And you would never share me

I grip the windowsill too tightly As the dark clouds pour Heavily over an angry ocean Crashing, spraying, flooding Lightning strikes again, again! It's a storm, it's raging, and it's

Too loud! Too loud! Too loud!

Then you tap on my door You slip into my mind And everything else is on mute

I am haunted By a world Where you No longer Exist

I am broken By such an Intense Lack of You

The snow is old and dirty, Full of sand and gravel, Making the once pure white blanket A sight more saddening than before.

Trees that once flourished in the Summer breeze, warm air blowing Through the leaves filled with little Holes from snacking insects.

I look upon them now, Nearing the end of a harsh And dark winter that grabbed me By arm and dragged me down.

And I think to myself how I have the excuse or the right To complain, that it's my Prerogative to sink into the sorrow.

Yet she (that is to say my love) Knows better than to sing the song Sung a thousand times before, "These are my burdens."

To be a rose in the garden of her mind, Would I be watered and cared for? What more can a rose do But remain still, hoping to be beautiful?

I think of how she's never seen the snow, Seen it fall so elegantly, so peacefully, All the while freezing the earth And suffocating the grass under the weight of it.

And so as the seasons change Mother Nature warms the world, Thirstily soaking in the melting Of the ever changing landscape.

The dandelions that sprout in the Spring Aren't gathered up and handed out, Not asking to look pretty Yet still they are and always will be.

Maybe I could be the morning dew On an uncut and untamed lawn. I could sleep there for the night And wake renewed at dawn.

So rather than growing in her thoughts, Perhaps the real treasure would be Spending the winter bundled up In blankets together, not waiting for anything.

And when the sun is out and Shining in our eyes, we would embrace The day's warmth coming through the windows Of our tiny house in the woods.