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I'M CHOKINGHAHAHSJKDKDJDJEBSUHS

Gabriel’s nose has been broken on at least 27 separate occasions and Crowley has a list of all of the occasions.

In no particular order…

Arrived at Beelzebub’s office without warning. Beez was taken by surprise and hit him. His nose bled for quite a while before they got fed up and willed it to stop.

Once in the 19th century, he showed up, again unannounced, at Aziraphale’s “discreet gentlemen’s club.” He was dumb enough to make some kind of homophobic comment. And was promptly knocked out.

A few were however self inflicted, like the first time he attempted to open a door and hit himself in the face.

And the time he miscalculated his teleportation game and ran smack into a wall.

And the time Aziraphale had moved a few shelves around and he wasn’t aware, and teleported into the shop only to bust his face on a shelf of Dickens first editions.

But most were done by other people. Once he teleported up behind Aziraphale and got hit because Aziraphale happened to be reading a ~scary story~ late at night and wasn’t expecting any visitors.

He tried to touch Beez’s sash or one of their medals once while telling them “how cute and tiny” they are, and they got fed up really quickly.

Touched a pregnant lady’s belly one time without her permission and said some freakish thing about when he went to tell the Virgin Mary she was pregnant.

Touched a NOT pregnant lady’s belly one time without her permission and made the same freakish comment, thinking she was pregnant.

Back in the day, appeared once to Jesus and said something ridiculous that the J man would not stand for and got hit.

Showed up at Sodom and Gomorrah and said a comment very similar to the one he made centuries later at the gentlemen’s club (he doesn’t learn). Of course, got hit.

Touched someone’s shoulder on the train to ask them a question. That person just happened to be having a bad day.

Tried recreating the “The Hills Are Alive” scene from The Sound of Music, and ran into a fucking pole.

Told a guy in the park (not Aziraphale) he should exercise more. Got punched.

Showed up unannounced while Aziraphale was eating, got elbowed in the face by accident when Aziraphale swung around to face him.

Told a guy in the park (Aziraphale this time) he should exercise more. Got ambushed a few minutes later by Crowley, who punched him in the face and ran away before he saw who it was.

Somehow said something so asshole-ish he provoked a Buddhist monk to break his vow of nonviolence and beat the shit out of him.

Also got hit really hard one time by a nun in a convent sometime in the 12th century.

And a Christian monk in a monastery, just a few days after that.

Hit a third time by Beelzebub for trying to kiss them after agreeing to “do some more human stuff, you know, to blend in,” while having their secret meetings. He thought they meant like PDA, they actually meant like drinking or eating food.

Was also once hit by a screaming Hastur who he frightened by appearing in the wrong room in Hell one time.

Was once hit by a Starbucks barista who was just trying to do her job, when he suddenly appeared right next to her. Not only did he have a broken nose, he also got some pretty bad burns from the coffee that went all over him.

Went to Viking age England, was mistaken for a Viking because he was unusually large and unusually clean. Was beaten up by a group of young Anglo Saxon soldiers who weren’t taking any chances. Aziraphale was standing on the other side of the road and saw the whole thing, but of course did nothing.

Appeared to Adam Young and the Them some time after Armageddon. They took it as a sign something was up again and without a second thought, Pepper chucked the skull from their hideout at his head.

Tried to talk to King David of Israel about his questionable relationship with Jonathan. Crowley was there (he was a member of the court, obviously), and got to see the guards take down the archangel as soon as he started to approach the King.

Appeared in the WRONG Soho establishment sometime in the 70s. Got beat up by a stripper who felt threatened by his sudden presence right beside her onstage.

Later appeared in the right Soho establishment. It just so happened that Shadwell was there at the time to pick up a late payment and was not expecting the sudden presence of a tall, obnoxious American behind him.