This Might Say A Little Too Much About Me But I'm Not Gonna Dwell On It

Imagine explaining braces to an alien.

Alien: this "lemonade" smells like it'll melt my skin. Will this melt my skin?

Human: probably not. Though it did dissolve the glue on one of my braces when I was a kid.

Alien: for me to understand how fully horrified I should be right now I need to know what "braces" are.

Human: oh, people that have the money for it get a bunch of metal put in their mouth to move their teeth into a perfect row. It's a very painful process that usually takes years.

Alien: metal??? On your face bones??? And it hurts?? Doesn't this impede your ability to eat??

Human: well yeah there are things you can't eat when you have them. And some foods you just stop eating because it gets stuck in your braces and it's really gross to get it all out. I still don't eat much bread. Certain foods can break the braces, so you weren't supposed to eat those

Alien: EATING could break the painful metal in your mouth???? WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU PEOPLE EAT???

Human: well lemonade just dissolves the glue

Alien: WHAT?!!! And you want me to DRINK this?? No!! Now I know what people mean when they say you can never understand deathworlders. You people are nuts! I am never eating your substance dissolving, metal breaking food. Fuck that.

Human: alright, I'll drink yours *chugs the lemonade, much to the alien's fascinated horror*

Alien, whispering to themself: deathworlders are insane

There are three actresses in my show who switch off playing the same character and they all have their own costume. One of the girls cannot grasp the concept of grabbing HER costume and not one of the others. Today I was standing right next to her and having a conversation with her when she realized that she had grabbed the wrong slippers (yet again). And instead of switching shoes, like a normal human would do, she proceeded to put HER OWN slippers into the bag of the OTHER GIRL.

I literally had to put my hand up to stop her and say "I need you to wear your own shoes." Then this bitch had the audacity to act surprised when I showed her that the shoes were, in fact, labeled with her name

youre just mad cuz I learned the cheat codes and youre stuck playing life the old fashioned way

What do you guys think of my waterbottle

teal and orange truly is the greatest color combo in the world. like name one better combo

This is my life this is going to be bad..let's see how bad

Sirius: It’s a trap. This just too good of a setup.

Remus: Go back, then.

Sirius: No way! I want to find out how much of a trap it is.

Me: you can eat the pizza for dinner tonight

My roommate: Sundays are a free for all. You can eat anytime.

OK so I have today and tomorrow to finish this fic and I need all the motivation to SPEED WRITE the hell out of this so for every 500 words I am allowed to crawl back to this flaming hole of distractions and share ONE (1) of my dumb head canons. 

OK WORDCOUNT AT 79666 SEE YOU AT 801666

I had to use a calculator for that how embarrassing  

edit: I now see the extra 6, and I will leave it there just so that it’s very clear TO EVERYONE INVOLVED the exact degree of how EVEN WITH A CALCULATOR I do. not. feckin. math

My dad is visiting for a few days and I'm already ready to strangle everyone. I hate that some has invaded my space and there is literally nowhere I can go to get away from him.

My nephew wanted us to do a dance competition so we were doing our introductions and he said "okay your choices are a dead sister who came back from the dead or a dad who left"

And I just want to say I think he really has a handle on reality shows

nothing is funnier than Catholics getting mad at Anglican priests for having sex lives