Ahem McDonald’s Five Au Pls?

Ahem McDonald’s five au pls?

goddamn it’s been forever but i can’t stop won’t stop so you’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT MY MICKEY D’S FIVE AU LET’S GO

so. the legal age you have to be to work at mcdonalds is? 14 years old according to google, but it may vary depending on the place. aidan is 16, five passes for 16 even though he’s 13 ok

there is absolutely no way he would actually let them say he’s 13 he’d be like “ugh at least make it 14 damn” even though,,, his birthday is in like,,, less than a year,, ok i realize that isn’t how ageing works but cut me some slack

POINT IS he passes for 14 ok. DOUBLE POINT is that he would wait until he’s legally 14 anyway so idk it works alright

but!! so !! plot time! this is the part i’m bad at but bear with me i’m onto something i swear

five is pissy bc he doesn’t really have anything to do. he takes school online bc he’s way above middleschool obviously, and like?? he moves fast with those classes too bc hes a genius like he knows big brain things yk

so anyway somebody (klaus) jokingly suggests “oh well maybe if youre bored you should get a job or smth it’s not like extra money can hurt anybody ever”

five’s thought process is like

if i get a job i earn money

if i earn money i can spend money how i want and not need to drag my idiot siblings along with me constantly

i GUESS it would be good to have job experience or something whatever

lets be real folks

nobody except for fucking mcdonalds would accept this garbage racoon child celebrity looking 14 year old asshole. i know im exaggerating and there are 100% other places that would employ this walking shitshow but my point stands

klaus and ben chanting: mc donalds! mc don alds! mc donaaaaaalds

five: ffffffffffffiNE

mc donalds it is

also yeah i know its not 2 words but this is my au and besides how can you prove it isnt 2 words in the tua universe?? you cant, check and mate

anyway

five marches his 14yo ass up to mcdonalds like “hire me” and they all just,, they look at this kid,, coming in in schoolboy shorts looking like a prep straight off the school website,, and they hire him instantly.

idk ive never worked at mcdonalds but lets say that there are mainly older teenagers there so like college/highschool students and five comes in on his first day in his too big uniform with a frown and messy hair, his older brother is waving at him from outside and they just “omg little sibling”

five is a prickly asshole! you know this! but they dont!! so they try to approach him and make him feel welcome and he just straight up hisses at them

woah there five thats not how you do social interaction

better luck next time?

anyway this isn’t actually the point of the au the point is five works at mcdonalds and the others take advantage of this always

klaus walks into mcdonalds and hes barely wearing a shirt, ben is trailing after him and the two walk up to where five is manning the cash register, klaus leans over and ruffles his hair, five rolls his eyes but doesn’t maim him immediately?

all of the other workers are like o.o

klaus, in the snarkiest fucking voice, asks five what he would recommend

“this is a mcdonalds”

‘yeah i know that what should i get’

“get a fucking smoothie i know you’re not gonna drink anyway and get out”

ben from behind: actually i wanted chicken nuggets–

“shut up ben you can’t even eat”

ben voice: smh rude

anyway. diego always. always. he fucking comes in decked out in his bondage gear and he walks up to the register completely deadpan but only when it’s five’s shift, and he stares deep into five’s eyes and orders

“one kid’s meal”

five stares back completely emotionless as he rings him up and says “anything else”

“no just the kids meal”

“do you want apple slices with that”

“yeah”

and then he gets the meal and just. gives it back to five. and he gives him the biggest shit-eating grin and tells him to enjoy his lunch and powerwalks out of there before five can get charged for murder

that only works once though bc next time five is READY but so is diego so he continuously orders frappes or whatever the fuck mcdonalds sells

i havent actually been inside a mcdonalds for months i can’t remember what the sell

oh wait lmao frappes are starbucks mcdonalds has uhh mcflurries???

is that what they’re called? mc flurries? what kind of fucking name is that akjdhfksd

ANYWAY THEY ALL BULLY FIVE AT MCDONALDS

allison walking in like “one fish fillet please :)” and everybody whispering bc ohmygod samantha look its ALLISON HARGREEVES what is she doing in our mcdonalds OHMYGOD–!!! and she just keeps smiling as five hands her the sandwich and she walks out, but walks back in seconds later

‘oh by the way luther’s picking you up today’

“i can walk”

‘no you can’t you have baby legs, i’ll see you when your shift is over bye!’

*five’s teeth creaking as he grins his jaw noises* “bye”

anywho

this au pleases me immensely ok

like

you don’t even know how much joy i have from picturing dead-eyed five in a mcdonalds uniform selling a doughnut

somebody keep this gremlin away from their coffee machines though. he learns to use them immediately and gets coffee constantly. they cant even call him out on it bc he pays everytime

well almost everytime but you know its whatever they’re all soft for their adolescent coworker anyway

ok this is where my brain goes bloop but i’ve began a shitty art for this au so like if i ever finish that i’ll put a link here ripppp

YEAH THAT’S IT aren’t you glad i exist because without me you wouldn’t have a mcdonalds five au, YOU’RE WELCOME