God She’s Not Findable On Anything. I Just Want To Make Sure She’s Alive, And Okay. She Needs Someone

12.9.22 August in december. (excerpt)

I now may have the same diagnosis, but it does not make me the monster of a man that you were. I am pursuing a degree in fisheries & wildlife at a very small school. I want a house in the mountains where me and **** can rescue dogs. I like filling my head with poetry, fluffy romance, crystals and astrology, gaming a little, indie folk music, and looking at the stars. I stopped playing softball and I like being outside, but most days I just want to curl up in bed. I still play ukulele but I started learning guitar. My favorite color isn’t yellow anymore, it is green. 

I am no longer the me that you knew, and you my dear are no longer you. 

HOLY FUCK POSEIDON AND DIONYSUS BLESSED ME. got wine drunk on the beach and took a swim :D happy happy beach girl

by the grace of the Gods, may I get through this moment.

Gabriel or Lucifer, the sinner or the saint, Heaven or Hell?

the 7 of cups.

Gods please guide me, i pray for divine judgement, i pray for peace. I pray to stop being a horrible person.

i miss you. i love you. i want you here and it hurts that you aren't.

8.21.23 - Second First Day (excerpt) I wonder how life would be different if he was just a little nicer when I was a kid. I tend to think about this a lot. I wonder how he can even bear looking at me, how he does not realize the extent of his damage- how he ruined a everything for me. I wonder a lot of things about him, fully knowing that I will never get any answers.

“how will i ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering? straight and fast.”

alaska knew what was up. i’m already in the shit of recovery. i’ve hit the point where it’s getting bad now before it gets better. i can’t go back and i can’t stay feeling the way i do right now, because i cannot take it anymore.

straight and fast and i will get out of this labyrinth.

Uriel- Angel of Repentance

I had to go and find an angelic pseudonym for you. What better the angel of sincere regret? Dearest Uriel, my hardest love and loss, I don't quite know what to do. So here is another letter I can't send. You don't know about this place, or atleast I hope you don't because my first name for you wasn't all that secretive at all (and it broke my code name tradition, but it's very fitting, isn't it?). Every damn song is about you these days, the farther you shove me away the more it drives my mentally ill mind insane. And that was how it always was, wasn't it? I just want an admission. A flat out declaration. I need to know what you think, what you feel. I don't even know why but I just feel like I need to. They say ignorance is bliss, but I've always been a more "curiosity kills the cat" kind of girl. Do you still have love for me the way I do you? Does it kill you, this distance (in all sense of the word) between us? Because I feel like I'm dying at your feet all over again. Back in that horrid space where I don't want to text out of fear of annoyance, but wanting your attention on me. You drive my BPD insane. Truly, madly, deeply insane. You always did and I fear you always will. I don't know what to do Uriel, I don't know what I want or need from you- but whatever we're doing isn't it. You were the one who stared into the depths of my cast-from-heaven soul, and didn't shy away. You were there for me when I was sent straight to hell, and now I fear that bonds me to you eternally. What do I do Uriel? How can I escape these demonic feelings? How do we recover from this? Will we ever?

everything about me is dark, but when i color- i always do it in rainbow. maybe there’s light in me somewhere.

if Lord Apollon allowed song alone to heal, florence + the machine would have me considered sane