I Genuinely Don't Feel Any Emotion, I'm Great At Facial Expressions, I'm Great At Sounding Like I Feel

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't commit to anything, I can't stick with anything, I have absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything that requires even minimal effort. I don't register for webinars due to the fear that I won't be in the "mood" to attend it when it starts, I don't give my name for or take part in any program that my drama club plans/conducts (online, of course) because I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so frigging average - I'm not the best at anything, I don't do anything well. I don't do yoga everyday the way my teacher tells me to do because I don't feel like it at all. My core is empty and I feel nothing.

I feel like such a worse of space, such a disappointment of a person, a dysfunctional human being, a good for nothing. Is this laziness, or is this something worse? I don't even know.

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡

when people ask me what I’m particularly good at, I want to tell them, “ruining lives”. it has become such a niche talent of mine that instead of overwhelming shame and disappointment in myself, I only shut down these days, because my body has now been inundated. I ruin lives like it is something I was born for – to make my father cry and my mother develop a chronic illness; for my grandparents to feel unloved and for my aunts and uncles to regret loving me; for ruining my therapist’s weekend-nights; for my friends to feel like they’re giving too much and not getting enough; for never doing justice to my pup. I was told that since the day I was born, I never drank milk – if drinking milk is to sustenance as love is to living, I was and am and will continue to be an abject failure at both; there is something hidden in this analogy of milk: a baby is born with the natural inclination for drinking milk, as is a human being their capacity for love; it is then unfortunate that I have repeatedly disappointed my family’s expectations of following both. I am now lactose intolerant, and it seems as if I am intolerant of love as well. I’m not usually an essentialist, but even I can see that I lack something essential; something that should be here isn’t, though there is something darker and uglier and tar-like making my chest cave in on itself like a black hole, in its place. it is hard for me to process love, it is hard for me to consume milk; when you say I don’t hold space for your love, I want to ask you why you believe I can, why you believe it is a choice and not a deficit; because the only love I can accept is in the form of lactose-free milk, not milk powder, and while many have packets of the latter at home, they don’t go through the trouble of buying the former: milk powder is nothing but milk in its powdered form, and while easier to take, doesn’t make it much better; your love is easier to take when you’re funny and kind, but it does not make it easier for me digest. and it is so silly, but so crucial. new-born babies don’t have a personality, and if they do seem to, they must be fundamentally flawed – no one ever tells you how hard it is to be a whole human being when you’ve been considered a fundamentally flawed baby. nobody ever tells you how to learn to love; if love is an action, and actions speak louder than words, and it is actions which give meaning to life, is it surprising that I ruin lives through inaction? I talk about caring for people the way they want to be cared for, not the way you want them to care for you; at the same time, I do not serve milk to my guests, it doesn’t even pass my mind to offer, the option just does not exist for me – which is very curious indeed.

me, @ the updated version of wattpad : 🎶 this house don't feel like home 🎶

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

Reasons why Grey's Anatomy is the best f*cking show ever:

(I've only reached S13, so no spoilers plis.but spoiler alert for those who haven't reached there - no major ones, but still)

1. The people. What is amatonormativity . It does not exist. All the relationships portrayed in the show - be it professional, familial, platonic, romantic; every single connection is meaningful and wholesome. MEREDITH AND CHRISTINA's relationship is what I yearn for, it is EVERYTHING. Alex and Meredith has my heart. Izzie and George (before the drama). George and Meredith. Derek and Christina's. Derek and Mark's - Mark saying he came back for Derek. Jackson and Mark's relationship. Teddy and Christina's. Mark, Arizona and Callie's relationship. Arizona and Alex's relationship. Addison and Alex's. Webber and Bailey's relationship. And these are only a select few I'm naming off the top of my head. There is genuine remorse when a friend hurts a friend, romantic partners aren't placed on a pedestal. Meredith does not kick her friends out of the house even after she gets married. Her found family doesn't disappear/isn't suddenly unimportant just because she's found romantic love.

And even the romantic relationships are so organic, so realistic. Even if there's drama, it's not toxic drama. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE how much importance is given to building relationships, to putting in effort.

And the stories of certain patients - the two women who decide to have and raise babies together. The two best friends, "cradle to the grave". The old couple, where the husband is helping the ill wife find a girlfriend for her new boyfriend. Another pair of best friends, making a deal to have a child together if they're single at 40.

Most connections exist for a reason. No one is disposable. Even the ones who leave are remembered, they don't disappear from the minds of their loved ones, unlike in most books/media. People actually value those they connect with. Even break-ups, deaths, endings, are all portrayed with the gravity they deserve.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll stop myself here. Also I might've accidentally left out certain points because one- my memory sucks, and also because I've come this far (show-wise I mean, not in life, HAHA, jk).

2. The casual queer representation. They have done it PERFECTLY. Everything about the queer rep in the show - *chef's kiss*

The only issue I had with the show was how they dealt with sex. How the concept of not having sex, or having sex much later in life etc was treated as a joke. Also, certain things Callie said didn't sit well with me at all.

But otherwise, I loved how they showed different generations, different kinds of queer people and relationships. Trans people, intersex people. People with bodies which don't fit into the norm. Queer sexuality. Just lovely.

3. How mental health issues are treated. AND HOW DISABILITY IS PORTRAYED. Keeping aside all the "jokes" or certain terms used, when it actually came down to it? The show portrayed mental illness wonderfully. Be it depression, be it addiction, be it OCD,(though this one was pretty insensitive at times - but that's not on the show, that's on the characters), be it PTSD (superbly realistically portrayed), be it schizophrenia. The way Arizona being disabled was portrayed; the episodes with the veterans; April saying being deaf needn't be a weakness or something "to fix"; that a person doesn't need their disability to be "cured" to become whole. How different bodies are portrayed - demonization of bodies is criticized, it's never encouraged.

The way Alex treated people with mental illnesses, the way he spoke about them (looking past the crude language, looking at him as an individual), is how it should be. One of the scenes I hold close to my heart is the way he explained to Jackson why, and how it was unfair to judge the actions of a patient while healing them or speaking to their family (more on this in the next point).

While this isn't connected to mental illness, and I'm requesting y'all not to misunderstand, I'm including this under this point because it's related to mental health - I love love love how Mark and Jackson ensure that the reason why people are getting plastic surgery is for themselves, not for anybody else. I love how there's no shaming, how it isn't shown as a shallow, vain field.

4. Not a single character is solely a good person, or a bad person. Everyone is multidimensional. Everyone has a story. Everyone is - pun intended - grey. They've all said or done something problematic, questionable or just wrong; but these same people show growth, they evolve. They also do things which show loyalty, compassion, and strength. There is nobody I actually, deeply dislike because they are an amalgamation of shades, I cannot fully dislike or put on a pedestal anyone in the show because they're written as complex, multifaceted beings. They're written as human. Which not many writers can do, it's an incredibly difficult, and at the same time, a beautiful thing to achieve.

Even people who did commit actual crimes weren't portrayed as evil criminals. They were shown to be as human as anyone. Their actions weren't excused, they weren't given a free pass, but they were still portrayed as people, instead of irredeemable monsters.

5. Feminismmmmmmm. Just scattered throughout the show like yummy sprinkles. I loved how characters actually speak about race, and racism. Very socially aware.

Mistreatment and dismissive treatment by professionals is a relevant issue that is portrayed throughout the show. The way consent was handled - so important!

Okay ,my brain feels wrung-out, so I'll stop here. I might edit this to add more points or write a pt. 2. The reasons why I love this show is inexhaustible, endless. And I'm sure I'll find more to love as I keep watching.

I genuinely feel like my family doesn't like me. I know they love me, because family and stuff, but there's a difference between liking someone and loving someone when it comes to familial relationships you know? I was having terrible, terrible, horrible, craving for death kinda cramps today and I desperately needed emotional support and I was crying and calling out to anybody, I literally yelled "somebody please" and they heard that and my grandma was coming and my uncle was like, I could hear him from the room, where are you going amma, don't go and stuff as if I was troubling her and I was an annoying baby who was crying and would stop it's crying when ignored long enough or something, but my grandma came and was like you know I have work, so I can't sit here with you, blah blah and your mom will come soon with the hot water bag, all this is happening because you never listen to us when we tell you to exercise so that your muscles will stretch, you don't even listen, now you're suffering etcetc and a lot of insensitive and cold stuff like that, not at all emotionally sensitive or comforting when I was suffering and I felt so fucking bad, so fucking heartbroken that I went silent. Then my mom came with the hot water bag and stuff and she lay with me for a while, not for me, but because she got an excuse to look at her phone and rest (she has a leg problem, so for that too) and then after a while, the water become lukewarm/cool and I told her that the hot water bag helped and if she could heat the water up and bring it and she sat up and kept looking at her phone and I waited for a while and the pain was returning so I asked her again and I was pissed that time, but I controlled it as much as I could (didn't yell like I usually did), and she was like stop getting angry and used her leg as an excuse as yo whyc she wasn't moving (which was an excuse because you can actually see the difference right? When a person is making an excuse and actually not okay) and scolded me a bit. Basically, when I needed softness and comfort and maybe a little pampering, all I got was bluntness, hard love, annoyance and being ignored. I don't remember the last I felt so fucking bad because of something people actively did (not internally feeling bad or hurt feelings feeling bad, feeling pathetic and like a burden). The words "I'll just kill myself and you'll all be finally rid of me and won't have a pain in tbe ass" was at the tip of my tongue (and I can't count how many times this thought ran through my head today), and if I was more non-woozy and had a teeny bit more energy, I would have blurted it out, honestly. I feel so fucking sick, in the miserable vaala way.

I've been wearing sleeveless and revealing clothes recently cause my self confidence/body confidence is at an all time high, and I noticed something...

Rupa aunty (our warden) has started treating me differently, after she saw me wear revealing/"provacative" clothes outside; there was this girl who was super friendly - she's in the opposite room on our floor - and would smile at me, but once I showed off my boob tattoo to a few other friends of mine, when she was around, she started acting more cold towards me; a few days ago, I went out with Anushka and Traidha, and I was asking auto Chetans if they'd go (I was wearing a tight camisole, but a plaid shirt over it tho) - the first TWO people I asked looked me up and down, gave me really nasty looks and told me quite rudely that they don't know the way and they can't go.

Plus, I've had to face slut shaming - kind of slut shaming - from my family too, so yeah.

And I'm not letting it affect me or anything, I swear, I was just noticing all that and I never realised how such a small thing could change the attitude of people so fast.

I'm just so angry s so so angry and I don't know what to do with myself