I Want To Experience A Million Realities In One. I Often Wonder What My Life Would Be Like If I Had Made

Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever. When anything happens, big or small, if I start dwelling on the past or the things I don't confront, if I start thinking of how defiant I am to liking myself, or how defiant I am of giving myself peace my solution is always to sleep. Being asleep is like a fever dream, and to me, it's a reset button to when the problems in one's life become to apparent. When you're asleep 9 times out of 10, you're not in your reality, but somewhere else, it's so stupidly pathetic, but I often wish I had no friends no family and no one who cared about me so I could just sleep an be somewhere else all day. I sometimes think no one understands how weird the concept of sleep and dreaming is like.. you just close your eyes, and your consciousness is just gone? Your body does all ghese things to repair itself, and you don't even know any of it? I think it's rather interesting and it's. A nice way to avoid your problems. I sometimes desire to never have to speak to anyone. I always plan to just sleep and ignore reality. Ignore my friends. My family ignores myself ignore "her" ignores everyone around me, and just..be gone." Because being gone is better than stewing in my feelings.

I really love my husband, wilbur. That's about it.[Were married on discord]

I often wish I wasn't inside my own body, not from hatred of my body or anything but hatred of myself as a whole, I hate having my thoughts and having my feelings I hate everything about my surroundings and reality. I often wish we weren't the main character In our own lives because I hate being the most important person in mine, I hate the sense that all kids where there thie feeling that the world resolves around them because I know it doesn't but its just somthing I can't shake. I dont like being in my body, my face, my mind, my home, my reality, my Universe, galaxy, I don't like being....in my shoes. I wish I was a narrator watching over everyone and everything I hate the feeling of being in my own thoughts and mind it makes me for so horribly self centered "This is my fault" "is he mad at me?' "I shouldn't have done that." Simple things, simple thoughts make me feel so caught up in my own world and reality. Why must I be forced to inhabit a person whom I don't want? I wish I could be anything else, anything other than here, anything other than me as a whole. I'm not completely sure what I'm asking to be honest, I dont know if I want to narrate over people's lives be able to switch from different people or just be god themselves but I do know I don't want to be..me I'd rather just be no one.

I always feel like I do something wrong for talking about how I'm feeling idk why

I feel very insecure in my feminity. Ever since I've started going to "..." I've noticed that as feminine as i like to be, compared to the other girls, I look quite like a boy. They all have long hair and nice boobs with big butts and things like that. My hair used to be longer, but i started to pick it out because there was always oil and things stuck in it, which made me feel a little disgusting. Once in engineering, a kid looked straight at me for a full minute and went, "I honestly can't tell if it's a boy or a girl." It. As if i was an object. (People who use it/its pronouns are totally valid) It didn't bother me at first, but it started to later on. I dont have long hair or long flowy eyelashes.. I dont have a nice curvy body or anything that counts as "Feminine." To be fair i used to be a wannabe masc so i guess he wasnt that far off but now I like to be as elegant and girly as possible [although i never get the chance to] so i guess it just bothered me. I even got told i look like I'd be a tomboy, and when i said "i like Maxi Dresses," he went "oh," so that didn't help much. I dont know why it bothered me so much.. I want to be looked at and seen as a beautifully haunting person. Even if i can't be seen as beautiful, I wouldn't want to be seen as a tomboy. Not even just that, but all the girls in my school wear their shirts as if they have to cling on to them for dear life or something while im here in my baggy shirt and sweat pants. For as long as i can remember, I really never knew how i wanted to dress or look. That is, of course, until i figured out what an aesthetic was and had a slight identity crisis, but I'd quite like to be seen as feminine. I dont particularly want to feel or be seen as a boy.. if you dont want to be seen as one, it kinda sucks. I very rarely look back on when i used to be a wannabe masc but i do remember on how i was barely sure i wanted to be like that and I'm still not completely sure if i want to be like who i am now.[Not my art]

“I don’t want people to be worried about me. There’s nothing to worry about. I don’t want people to try and understand why I’m the way I am, because I should be the first person to understand that. And I don’t understand yet. I don’t want people to interfere. I don’t want people in my head, picking out this and that, permanently picking up the broken pieces of me.”

- Tori Spring, Solitaire (2014)

I think I've realised I'm bad luck. Everyone I meet every person I interact with as soon as I come into their lives. It all seems to turn to shit. Every second everyday I'm tourmented with paranoia that gets worse with people and I've found that that it manifests itself and fucks up other people's life. I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I honestly wish they'd see that too, I think I have attachment issues because as soon as I befriend or come close with someone, I instantly desire to leave them, somtimes for selfish intent and somtimes for altruism but none the less I always do. I wish I had the guts to cut people of cold because as soon as I enter somones life as nice as I try to be I fuck up everyone around me without trying. I don't think I want to do that again. I dont think anyone deserves that, and I dont think I deserve anyone else. No one seems to be able to see that eventually, I'll just end up dragging people down. I'm a very avid reality thinker I often think of every conceivable reality where maybe things could be different but I know everyones life would be better if I wasnt in it, I'd rather they pain staklingly get support then wallow in their sadness while I coddle them, I've given up on myself and so should they. Im the losing dog that people bet on, and unbeknownst to them, they shouldn't.[Not my art] [Oc writing read desc for context]

Nothing in the world belongs to me

Not happiness

Not misery

Not numbess

Not love

Not the tide and sea

All I have is the emptiness that inhabits thee

I cant stand to be myself

Drowning ship in the vast darkness of thoughts

Rain splashing down gently on the habour and all

The tide shortens but my heart keeps beating

The fish swim away and the jellyfish glow curiously

The ship slowly gets dragged in

Wilting and shedding sorrow like centaurea cyanus

Will this black pit in the sky ever cases?

Will these penumbra shackles ever release?

Will the ship ever sail again through the sea?

Will someone rescue and restore its sinking reality

The moon, the stars, and the children of the sea all watch with pityfull eyes

For The ship they can no longer see

Forever Lost in the night

In the stary sky

In the rains eye

All on alone

Floating away from thee

Trapped to try and reach the top of a sapphire sea

The ships' livelihood now a mere memory

Posted this on tiktok but wanted to share it here too. Pls pls pls interact rtc fandom 🙏🙏

when is your birthday :)?

April the 18th :DD thank you for the question :DD