What If Scouts Self Esteem Issues Weren't Caused By Not Having A Dad But Because His Mother Was Neglectful

Can I have you for a minute?

Additions by @merlin-s-tea-fortress

And @well-seasoned

In tf2 we take respawn as a given, just as an in-universe mechanism, no big deal.

But imagine... How actually painful and scary it is to die. Even if consciously you know that you will return, the fear of death is instinctive, your body will always roar and fight for it's life. Experiencing the closeness of death is a great trauma. It's exhausting and it's imprinted on your subconscious.

Now, imagine that you die an average of 10 times every day. You reap the trauma of death, you get up, you immediately go into the fight and don't think about it, and then it goes on and on again. You don't even have room to process the pain. You keep putting it off for later, but then when is that?

I wonder if mercenaries have nights when they just let themselves weep out their lings from all that accumulated pain. Even if logically they know there is no danger - the instinct for self-preservation hurts VERY badly. The trauma is primal.

They're all definitely not healthy there in that kind of system.

Paper books are cool again because they don't have ads!!!!

Regarding the previous post

more mercenary analysis, whichever merc you want <3

Not a mercenary but... Okay!

Let's dissect Pauling

Always so collected, responsible and efficient. The one who is not afraid to get her hands dirty for the sake of a goal, and her performance is always one hundred percent. What could possibly be not cool about her?

Well, maybe the fact that this all is, in fact, an act. Of course it is.

I'm not saying her determination and dedication to her job aren't sincere decisions of her heart, she really enjoys it and shines in her work. It's just a matter of WHY and WHAT she's doing it for. And on what scale.

For her, her job is EVERYTHING. Eagerly working 364 days a year with barely any rest, masochistically putting herself in so much danger, blindly following the boss's instructions, not even hesitating to kill people standing on the way...

Wow, there's gotta be something going on here.

Well, obviously the Administrator plays A HUGE role in this situation. Why would Pauling trust her so much? Referring to the comics, Pauling trusted her wholeheartedly on whatever the Administrator was planning, even though she didn't know what it was. This blind following that vaguely resembles nothing less than a weird somewhat child-to-a-mother attachment. It's just a Boss, just a job, why?

Because that's what it is. Mother issues. Very apparent.

We don't know anything about Pauling's past, so there's where the headcanons begin:

I'm assuming her birth mother was very neglectful and dismissing, never acknowledged her daughter's accomplishments and struggles. No matter how hard Pauling tried to become "worthy" in her eyes, it seemed to be never enough, as if she didn't even exist at all. Maybe her mother was a substance addict or something and their household wasn't safe and stable, so Pauling had to become an adult early and run away from home as a teenager and find a job to get by.

(I assume that because I believe there was a mention in the canon lore that Ms.Pauling had been working for the Administrator for long long years (don't remember exactly), indicating that she started working when she was still a minor).

So, being taken under the Administrators wing, her young wounded brain found a substitute for a very thing she was lacking, subconsciously clinging onto the Administrator as a newly mother figure, in order to "get it right this time".

Administrators Strictness, responsibility and demandingness were the most favorite qualities of a person of authority in Pauling's eyes, in contrast to the laziness, unaccountability and indifference of the environment in which she grew up. She could finally strive.

This time she would show the mother figure that she's worthy, she's important and irreplaceable; she exists. She would prove that no amount of hardship is too much for her if it means approval for the Administrator.

And the Administrator kind-of-sort-of gave Pauling this pseudo-love in return, encouraging her to sacrifice herself even more for their work. Which is at the very least unfair, and at most just predatory. Administrators "love" was conditional, in contrast with when the real motherly love Pauling unknowingly expected. Administrator was too immature for a mother figure, too much in power for a partner or a friend, yet too close for a formal boss. What is this!? Something not nice.

The Administrator doesn't love Pauling for Pauling, she loves her working qualities. And thus, Paulings subconscious guess was confirmed that "I'm only important when I'm doing the job. I AM the job."

Tying your worth to what you DO instead of what you are is a huge dangerous existential rout one could choose. But she never really knew her importance outside of her skills, so she wouldn't know.

Now imagine how actually painful that character arc was for her, when the Administrator proved herself to be unreliable and secretive, and when Pauling started to question her intentions for the first time.

"... Because I trusted you!"

"Then why are you questioning me now?"

It wasn't even the real conversation between them, just Pauling's mind torturing her.

It reminded me of the crisis of a 4-year-old when they realise that their parents aren't perfect; they don't know anything and they CAN hurt you.This shattering illusion of almighty love. When a child stops believing that the "harsh love" their mother treats them with is simply an abuse.

Wouldn't it be terrifying to realise in your 20s thar despite running for "the mother's approval" all your life, you will never truly get it. If your mother failed to provide it to you at such a young age, nothing will truly substitute that, especially now, when you're an adult, no one will love your inner child the way it was supposed to be loved.

Unless you yourself decide to take that role.

...

Realistically speaking, it's not nearly that sever with Pauling! She's happy in the environment she's in, there's lots of interests for her to explore (Guns, fights, killin'!) So many adventures every day! Even if Pauling has her inner suffering, it's not that bad aa I describe it. Her mother problems may actually be an advantage, a reason she is such a good and caring boss for the mercenaries.

I'm just edgying things down for the sake of the clearer analysis. But still...

If the Administrator will be gone and Pauling loses her life-dedicated job... What will be left? Who is Pauling once Mann Co is no more? Can she answer that?

References:

– A video that helped me better understand the Good Girl mask:

– "Lise Bourbeau's 5 soul wounds model: Injustice"

Whispers of the sea

Just a bunch of biblical paintings more and I'll finally start drawing yaoi

Gift for @gentlesurgeryenjoyer 🌹

Yeah, perfectly logical.

Sniper doesn't have any skincare although he spent all of his life frying inder the sun. Bro's gonna die from cancer once the respawn machine is off. He also smokes, pretty excessively, I assume. Always dehydrated (saturated color of jarate). Probably eats the same foods (just meat he hunted down and nothing else? Veggies who?). Doesn't exercise. Plus he's a lonely loner abd there's no way he's not struggling mentally too (definitely affects your physical body in many ways).

And Scout is very healthy compared to that. Always running, keeps himself fresh and flexible. Doesn't smoke (or at least very little, unless he wouldn't be able to run that fast and for so long). Very active and reactive, so I'd say his a pretty happy guy overall. Can't really say anything about other habits, but I'm guessing he knows how to keep himself happy, he's a sport junkie after all.

So it's neither a secret nor a mystery why one of them is an early grandpa and the other one is a babyface. We're comparing neglected houseplant to a dandelion.

Okay, so ykno how in game cosmetics, Sniper looks a lot older than Scout? Well, not to sound like a nerd but a possible reason for this is the difference between their lifestyles.

Sniper grew up in Australia and now he's in New Mexico, that's a lot of sun, and I doubt that man has taken proper steps to avoid sun damage. He's in decent shape, but not like Scout, speaking of which, he grew up in Boston, and as far as I know, it doesn't get too sunny there. He also runs like, a lot.

I know this doesn't explain everything and it could be more comprehensive and less "thrown together last minute" but I don't feel like it. Yall get the gist.