"I'm Only Valuable When..." Of TF2 Mercs

When the respawn machine malfunctions, tf2 mercs get sent directly into source engine where they end up being tortured by mentally ill teens who really hate scout for some reason or who think that their tulpa waifu is living inside of the ragdolls (this is worse than eternity).

IS FOR MEEEE??? 🥹🥹🥹

«Anomaly Diversion»

I encourage you to study the lore by reading THIS GENIUS FIC. I'm serious guys... RESPAWN HORROR FANS HEAR ME OUT!! IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN WHAT'S HAPPENING IN TF2 - READ. NOW.

FANART FOR @oblique-lane YOU'RE GENIUS REMEMBER THAT

more mercenary analysis, whichever merc you want <3

Not a mercenary but... Okay!

Let's dissect Pauling

Always so collected, responsible and efficient. The one who is not afraid to get her hands dirty for the sake of a goal, and her performance is always one hundred percent. What could possibly be not cool about her?

Well, maybe the fact that this all is, in fact, an act. Of course it is.

I'm not saying her determination and dedication to her job aren't sincere decisions of her heart, she really enjoys it and shines in her work. It's just a matter of WHY and WHAT she's doing it for. And on what scale.

For her, her job is EVERYTHING. Eagerly working 364 days a year with barely any rest, masochistically putting herself in so much danger, blindly following the boss's instructions, not even hesitating to kill people standing on the way...

Wow, there's gotta be something going on here.

Well, obviously the Administrator plays A HUGE role in this situation. Why would Pauling trust her so much? Referring to the comics, Pauling trusted her wholeheartedly on whatever the Administrator was planning, even though she didn't know what it was. This blind following that vaguely resembles nothing less than a weird somewhat child-to-a-mother attachment. It's just a Boss, just a job, why?

Because that's what it is. Mother issues. Very apparent.

We don't know anything about Pauling's past, so there's where the headcanons begin:

I'm assuming her birth mother was very neglectful and dismissing, never acknowledged her daughter's accomplishments and struggles. No matter how hard Pauling tried to become "worthy" in her eyes, it seemed to be never enough, as if she didn't even exist at all. Maybe her mother was a substance addict or something and their household wasn't safe and stable, so Pauling had to become an adult early and run away from home as a teenager and find a job to get by.

(I assume that because I believe there was a mention in the canon lore that Ms.Pauling had been working for the Administrator for long long years (don't remember exactly), indicating that she started working when she was still a minor).

So, being taken under the Administrators wing, her young wounded brain found a substitute for a very thing she was lacking, subconsciously clinging onto the Administrator as a newly mother figure, in order to "get it right this time".

Administrators Strictness, responsibility and demandingness were the most favorite qualities of a person of authority in Pauling's eyes, in contrast to the laziness, unaccountability and indifference of the environment in which she grew up. She could finally strive.

This time she would show the mother figure that she's worthy, she's important and irreplaceable; she exists. She would prove that no amount of hardship is too much for her if it means approval for the Administrator.

And the Administrator kind-of-sort-of gave Pauling this pseudo-love in return, encouraging her to sacrifice herself even more for their work. Which is at the very least unfair, and at most just predatory. Administrators "love" was conditional, in contrast with when the real motherly love Pauling unknowingly expected. Administrator was too immature for a mother figure, too much in power for a partner or a friend, yet too close for a formal boss. What is this!? Something not nice.

The Administrator doesn't love Pauling for Pauling, she loves her working qualities. And thus, Paulings subconscious guess was confirmed that "I'm only important when I'm doing the job. I AM the job."

Tying your worth to what you DO instead of what you are is a huge dangerous existential rout one could choose. But she never really knew her importance outside of her skills, so she wouldn't know.

Now imagine how actually painful that character arc was for her, when the Administrator proved herself to be unreliable and secretive, and when Pauling started to question her intentions for the first time.

"... Because I trusted you!"

"Then why are you questioning me now?"

It wasn't even the real conversation between them, just Pauling's mind torturing her.

It reminded me of the crisis of a 4-year-old when they realise that their parents aren't perfect; they don't know anything and they CAN hurt you.This shattering illusion of almighty love. When a child stops believing that the "harsh love" their mother treats them with is simply an abuse.

Wouldn't it be terrifying to realise in your 20s thar despite running for "the mother's approval" all your life, you will never truly get it. If your mother failed to provide it to you at such a young age, nothing will truly substitute that, especially now, when you're an adult, no one will love your inner child the way it was supposed to be loved.

Unless you yourself decide to take that role.

...

Realistically speaking, it's not nearly that sever with Pauling! She's happy in the environment she's in, there's lots of interests for her to explore (Guns, fights, killin'!) So many adventures every day! Even if Pauling has her inner suffering, it's not that bad aa I describe it. Her mother problems may actually be an advantage, a reason she is such a good and caring boss for the mercenaries.

I'm just edgying things down for the sake of the clearer analysis. But still...

If the Administrator will be gone and Pauling loses her life-dedicated job... What will be left? Who is Pauling once Mann Co is no more? Can she answer that?

References:

– A video that helped me better understand the Good Girl mask:

– "Lise Bourbeau's 5 soul wounds model: Injustice"

Last post's timelapse

//Somehow this work made me SO tired, even though the last session lasted only about 3 hours I suddenly felt so weak I immediately dozed off (even though I had enough sleep hours before that and it was definitely too early to go to bed). And then I napped for 7 hours, still feeling like my blood have been sucked off as I'm writing it. Yeah low-key feels like I'm dying right now.

Maybe this piece is cursed. Be careful.

Returning to The Womb

GIFTS FROM @gentlesurgeryenjoyer !!! 💥

Era I love you so much I love you so so so much 💔💔💔 I'm the happiest person ever now!

2024 Summary

Starts in May because I drew nothing earlier.

Last year (I barely even remember those times) I was so burned out by drawing, I used to put too much effort in it and then not be satisfied anyway, so I snapped and decided to not draw ever again. 2023 summary was uneventful. I've lost faith in my skills.

Even a year into the fandom, I didn't believe I was able to draw these characters and I didn't want to (I was scared). I decided that I'll be known there solely by my writing... Until one day I actually tried and, wait a minute... I CAN?????

I'm still not in a warm relationship with drawing as I used to be back in the day, I still don't draw for enjoyment but only for the end result. But I'm glad that I'm welcomed here with what it is. 💔

Happy new year!!!

So do you just like having the TF2 gang go through it or...?