It’s Nice For A Time But Everyone’s Gotta Wake Up And Start Dreaming Again....

these speed bumps keep screaming.

Why is that?

i think so much of life is just finding out there are a thousand different ways to lose things.

wilbur's doing really well :D

i am one lucky son of a bitch

I come back here when things are hard. So in spite of previous posts, please believe me when i say,

things have been better.

I’ve always said things do get better. And I’ve always been right about that. You know, he’s repeated those words to me. That brought a smile to my face. And I am still right.

I’m thinking of the nights when I used to break apart in my bed. A pain in my heart so palpable it scarred my skin. And then days passed. Years even. And the wounds healed and the days were bright and I found happiness again.

I haven’t felt pain like that again. And I don’t think I ever could. I know too deeply that I am beautiful and loved, for that ache to return.

It does get better.

Always.

~

However, I still get tired. And frightened. And sad. Right now I feel that.

The world feels like it crumbles beneath my fingertips. I believe in love. In safety. And my assurances fall away like dry sand. Every day scrapes by like a wounded soldier, dragging himself home.

I apologize for being so dramatic, to you the empty void. I’ve been missing love for so long.

And It’s always felt too good for me.

You know, in church we used to sing hymns? Horrible things. Monotone and droning. And there they’d weave their messages for me. A wretch they sang, working my mouth with needle and string. Sewing words in hungry earth, that blossomed into an endless fear.

A wretch. That I was not good enough for any type of love, except for love from a being you can not see, can not hear, and can not touch.

And my fear grows. Am I loved?

Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? AmIlovedamilovedamilovedamiloved oh please god let me be loved.

happy

the queen is dead

blue’s dreaming of airplanes,

try not to speak too loud.

I am split in half like a horizon

Eyelids flickering- waiting for the sunrise.

thank you and i love you for being safe.

is growing up about seeing the things you loved ripped from your hands? Is it about losing everything to time? Having feelings and memories taken over by people who never understood them? Is it about watching your childhood die? Because I want to find a world that loves what I love, but all I see are people who want to destroy it. I am so fucking tired.