My 4am Minecraft Binges Are Not Happy About This Post

the world is a scary place when you are a small and edible thing

the only salad dressing id ever need

via

if you’re at a point right now where you don’t see any hope in the future, remember that the future will always seem overwhelming when you’re thinking about it all at once. you only have to live through one moment at a time. focus on now and focus on getting through this, because you will.

i am not doing well

thank you and i love you for being safe.

sometimes i just feel sad and so i must eat rocks and scratch little stars into the sandpaper walls that i live in

my cat has Stars in his eyes and love in his heart

my cat his ears are so pointy but his heart is so full....

I feel

Today i feel like melting

my heart hurts

maybe i just need to eat

i never feel satisfied

i am falling

into an embrace

of my own cold arms

my skin fragments of ice

i really should eat

all i feel is like lying in the dark

pretending my blankets are a hug

my pillow her kiss

maybe i should just shatter

dissolve into dark

breath in my salty tears

or just get up and make dinner

I come back here when things are hard. So in spite of previous posts, please believe me when i say,

things have been better.

I’ve always said things do get better. And I’ve always been right about that. You know, he’s repeated those words to me. That brought a smile to my face. And I am still right.

I’m thinking of the nights when I used to break apart in my bed. A pain in my heart so palpable it scarred my skin. And then days passed. Years even. And the wounds healed and the days were bright and I found happiness again.

I haven’t felt pain like that again. And I don’t think I ever could. I know too deeply that I am beautiful and loved, for that ache to return.

It does get better.

Always.

~

However, I still get tired. And frightened. And sad. Right now I feel that.

The world feels like it crumbles beneath my fingertips. I believe in love. In safety. And my assurances fall away like dry sand. Every day scrapes by like a wounded soldier, dragging himself home.

I apologize for being so dramatic, to you the empty void. I’ve been missing love for so long.

And It’s always felt too good for me.

You know, in church we used to sing hymns? Horrible things. Monotone and droning. And there they’d weave their messages for me. A wretch they sang, working my mouth with needle and string. Sewing words in hungry earth, that blossomed into an endless fear.

A wretch. That I was not good enough for any type of love, except for love from a being you can not see, can not hear, and can not touch.

And my fear grows. Am I loved?

Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? AmIlovedamilovedamilovedamiloved oh please god let me be loved.