Creekenny Being An Absolutely Hilarious Ot3 Part Four

Got this from @hatsunevitu post I laugh my ass off reading you two @peppered-saltine

Happy Birthday, Eric Cartman

A small Kenman piece I wrote for his birthday 🤲

Note: I made them middle school here but ages don't affect the story at all soooo enjoy

***

  Eric sighed quietly as he rolled over, now facing the wall. After gazing at the ceiling for the past thirty minutes, he already realized that he's not going to get much sleep tonight. How much easier it would be if he could just lay and instantly fall asleep as it always happens. But it was an unlucky night for him right before his birthday.

  He was...Moderately excited. I mean, which middle school kid wouldn't be excited for his birthday, right? Maybe some depressed dude or a lame hippie wouldn't, but Eric hated those guys anyways. He's not a little child anymore tho, so he won't jump of his bed right at 7 AM in the morning, but he was pretty excited for the gifts his mother was preparing for him and also the usual party he was hosting.

  2:30 AM already, and Eric's still wide awake. He's never getting it right before his birthday. Now he just lies and mumbles something to himself. The weather is shitty, so he can clearly hear the wind noise even through the closed window. Well, at least it's better than lying in a complete silence...Cartman thinks so until something hits his window.

Something hits his window. Suddenly all the wind noises before don't sound like wind noises anymore, because someone is clearly moving outside. God. Eric won't admit it, but he's scared. Of course he's scared, this whole situation looks like a cliche horror movie plot. The 2 AM, the window, the noises...And the next step should be dead Eric Cartman. Then a tragic morning discovery, then his crying mother at the funeral, and then...Wait, no, this isn't going to be like that. He was actually about to call his mother, but then the killer would kill him instantly or what's much worse would think he's a pussy. He can't let that happen! If someone dares to try to kill Eric Cartman at night, they should face the consequences without any mercy.

  Holding a pair of scissors in his hands, Eric was hesitant to open the curtains. That was until he heard the familiar voice through the window.

"Psst, Cartman, open your window!" the voice says.

"Kenny? My fucking God," now Eric more confidently opens the curtains and looks down - it is Kenny! Kenny Mccormick, looking at him with "open the window" puppy eyes. Somehow Eric does just that, and in a few seconds his friend is already in his room. "What are you doing here? I'm trying to get some fucking sleep."

"But you aren't sleeping. Phew, I thought I'd have to wake the princess up," Kenny says, giggling.

"Two shits you're gonna wake me up."

But in the end, they both don't look very tired, so Eric decides that he can go with that.

"Running away from home again, Mccormick?" he says mockingly.

"Nuh-uh, just going for a walk," Kenny shrugs and looks away.

"Right. A walk. At 2 AM. Through the entire town. You're such a comedian," Eric says, nearly laughing.

"Shut up. It is a walk. I'm not leaving Karen there, I'm gonna return home by morning and go to school. Just need some...time." Kenny replies, his voice a bit sadder.

"And you decided to walk directly to my house. I swear, if I was actually sleeping and you'd woke me up, I-"

"Chill out dude, I wasn't going to wake you up, I was just stopping there and thought maybe you wasn't sleeping, and I was right!" Kenny smiles victoriously.

"Uh-huh, and that's why you decided to throw something," Kenny replies with "a stick" and giggles. "a fucking stick at my window!"

"That's just a small detail," he chuckles.

"And what do you want anyways?" Cartman asks. "It's not like we can do any of the cool stuff right now when my mom is asleep. It doesn't mean that I don't want to wake up my mom, it's just-" and he begins his five minute rant about his mom and about how tired and annoyed he is.

Kenny listens through entire thing without saying a word of interruption and with a curious expression on his face. After Eric finishes, he speaks. "Actually, I came to wish you a happy birthday."

A few second silence. This, at almost 3 AM, seriously?

"Huh. You know I haven't invited anyone to my birthday yet, right?" Eric says, confused.

"Yep."

"And you know I might not invite you, right?"

"You'd be a bitch then, but yeah".

Cartman just pokes him instead of a usual "Hey!", and Kenny starts giggling again.

"So...You remembered?" Eric asks curiously.

"About your birthday? Yes," Kenny replies, visibly confused. "Jesus man, why are you so weird about it?" he laughs.

Well, not a lot of people seem to remember without me reminding them!

"You are weird, Kenny. You showed up to my house at 2 AM to wish me happy birthday."

"I just had to do it first!" Kenny says and starts laughing again.

  The situation quickly became much more lovely than it was at the beginning. It surely feels nice and weird at the same time: nice to have someone who cares so genuinely, weird to not have a need to force them to care. With all of that, Eric seems to feel...Happy?

"You know Kenny, you aren't so bad of a guy after all."

okay while we’re on the subject: cartman’s skills for languages are goddamn amazing like?? the boy is about ten years old and yet he knows german and a bit of spanish (i think?) that kinda amazes me.

so here’s a headcanon that cartman has improved his knowledge of german over the years and by high school he could speak fluently without any difficulties. he mostly did so ‘cause he had to know one foreign language for school studies, but the major part of choosing particularly german was (obviously) to tease and make fun of kyle since eric’s an absolute bastard. he was constantly mocking kyle while talking in german and watching kyle getting all pissed off. he didn’t really say anything mean – sometimes he was even making compliments taking the advantage of kyle not understanding the language, but how would kyle know that? he was sick of it and he absolutely hated the way cartman acted.

so in the summer before their senior year kyle came up with a devious plan starting to learn german by himself. it wasn’t really difficult even considering that kyle is much worse at learning languages than cartman is. he did have quite a success but he kept it a secret from everyone but stan. he studied hard cheered up by the thought of cartman’s future expression when he realises he doesn’t have this advantage anymore. and oh boy was it worth it.

after three months of daily studying they finally go back to school. kyle chooses german as an extra class – the one where cartman is – and prepares for the moment he has been waiting for so long.

it doesn’t take cartman long that day to come up to kyle and say to him something in foreign language. kyle gets pissed off immediately but then calms down realising with surprise that all that cartman said to him was “looking good, jew. i like how you look in school uniform” in german. with a nasty laugh and an arrogant smirk – to make it believable that he insults kyle, probably – but he was actually telling him quite nice things all day long thinking that kyle doesn’t understand a single word. that shocked kyle beyond belief but he wasn’t sure of how to react so he just kept fighting with cartman telling him to knock it off.

then the time for extra classes came, and kyle waited for the very last second until the bell rang to enter the class with the self-satisfaction on his face (‘cause he’s a dramatic and secretly a bit theatrical jerk).

cartman choked on air seeing kyle entering the classroom casually and taking his seat right in front of cartman without even dignifying eric with a single glance. cartman got completely lost for a few seconds and then laughed loudly shouting about “the jews who are not allowed to learn german ‘cause it’s fucking comical”. nobody really paid attention to him having got used to his antisemitic and gross comments. the teacher shushed him, and the lesson continued as usual. kyle was answering the teacher’s questions without troubles. meanwhile cartman was so stunned he couldn’t even concentrate properly and kept mumbling something unintelligible.

he tried to make a scene and fight with kyle for invading his safe “jewfree” place, but kyle just gave him a cheeky grin. “afraid i might get better at this than you are, cartman? oh, and thanks for what you’ve said earlier. i would’ve never thought you think this shirt makes my amazing green eyes look even deeper” leaving eric completely speechless.

bonus: sheila got completely crazy and hysterical over the fact of her son learning exactly german, but he explained it by his desire to break stupid stereotypes and prejudices about jews, so she was pretty satisfied and proud of him. he didn’t tell her he started it just ‘cause he wanted to anger cartman though.

another bonus: they both know spanish pretty well, so sometimes they get into arguments switching languages from english to german to spanish. stan and kenny just stand by and watch them fighting being slightly impressed by this scene. btw butters knows spanish too, but when he tries to cut in their conversation they just shout at him “shut up, butters” in unison in spanish so he apologises and steps back.

kyman high school au where cartman who has never really cared about his grades finally realises that kyle is kinda obsessed with being the best student and there is nothing that can piss him off more than being bested by someone like cartman. so eric basically just for fun decides to become a perfect student and since he has some kind of natural talent for studying and he’s a quick learner he pretty soon catches up with kyle so they start competing constantly.

and although kyle is a hardworking student, cartman is still perfect at cheating and convincing teachers of his “new” era of being an example student so their competition becomes rather brutal. and i mean it. the history classes are their battlefield where they debate with each other arguing constantly about some historical facts and theories for the whole lesson. and although cartman often makes controversial statements just to irritate kyle, he’s a better and more confident debater due to being an unashamed and charismatic asshole.

when their classmates are afraid of the test or something they beg eric to start a nerdy fight about something (sometimes he even gets paid for doing so).

also kyle kinda sucks at artistic subjects like arts or music or theatre while cartman is great at them (he’s very confident about music and acting which was proven in series multiple times). he often brags about being more imaginative than kyle is. in response kyle laughs at cartman’s constant C’s and B’s in biology/chemistry/geography.

so basically they both end up being called nerds but the only thing that matters to them is being better than each other. competitive & obsessed with each other smartasses :D

One day Rose is looking for something in the Lalonde's attic and accidentally finds an old photo album full of photos of her young mother.

Since her mother usually did not share anything from her past, Rose decides to take the opportunity to look through the album. Nothing particularly impresses her, but then she reaches the photo of her young mother with two unknown children. For some reason she can't stop looking at it - something in this photo seems so familiar...

She understands that part of this feeling is jealousy - mom is so joyful in the presence of these other people's children... but in addition to jealousy, there was something else.

After a while, when Rose already manages to forget about the strange photo, she and her online friend Jade decide to exchange selfies for the first time. When she looks at a photo of a smiling Jade, the puzzle in Rose's head comes together...

do you ship Stary (Stan x Gary)?

oh my god ABSOLUTELY. for some reason i got reaaally into it and came up with an au of how they got closer. i’m not usually a fan of ships with one-episode characters, but stary is SO great. HOLD ON LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT AU

okay, so, we all know how “all about mormons” ended and that we have never heard of gary after that, right? now just let’s imagine he stayed in the school, in the same class as stan and others, but visibly started to avoid the main four. he hung out with the “background kids” and mostly girls, because they all adored how nice he is.

it didn’t actually make any difference for main four – they still thought gary was lame and were not interested in talking to him since he’s not a new kid in the class anymore. they all didn’t really like him. except for stan.

stan couldn’t get the thought of gary out of his head for all the following years. he didn’t make any attempts to befriending gary again, because he knew guys wouldn’t understand and he was terrified of hearing rejection again, so he mostly just… kinda secretly looked through gary’s social media once a week (or more often) and sometimes watched him out of the corner of his eye in the classroom.

he saw that gary was doing pretty fine without him, so he didn’t wanna be an inconvenience, but the thought. the thought that he had missed his chance to be friends with one of the most sincere and comforting people in the whole school only because of the peer pressure.

but he didn’t thought he could have a chance to reconnect until he has heard that gary’s parents are getting a divorce and that the “perfect mormon house” secretly had its troubles. and then, as it was absolutely destined, after the lessons ended, he sees gary sitting in the classroom all alone with a blank expression on his face and tired look in his eyes. and without giving it a second thought he walks up to gary and asks if everything’s fine.

and they start talking. for an hour, if not more. stan know some shit about divorcing parents, troubles at home and an urge to drink to feel happy (which turned out to be gary’s problem too), so he know how to support him, and gary is such a great listener. they start with discussing gary’s family problems, then eventually they start remembering their first time seeing each other, and stan (unexpectedly for even himself) openly admits he regrets fucking up things with their friendship, and he has dreamed of finally talking to him again for, like, ages. and gary just genuinely smiles and takes his hand saying that they still have time for that.

eventually they hang out together more. with gary there isn’t a lot of crazy adventures, and stan, who’s got pretty sick of those, feels so relaxed while being with him. the only thing is that they mostly meet privately and secretly from the rest of the main four, because stan feels this irrational shame for being friends with someone they don’t like. it kinda upsets gary, but he doesn’t want to end their friendship because of the same reason it ended the first time.

so yeah, that takes them two or three months until stan finally realises the unpleasant truth – he doesn’t wanna be just friends with gary and his nearly-obsession with him for the last five years was more likely a behaviour of a person who’s desperately in love. fuck. he doesn’t confess his feelings to gary because he’s too scared of fucking thing up the second time.

and it seems to be working, but the more stan spends time with gary, the more love he feels, until one day he finally snaps and while one of their walks in the park he very awkwardly kisses gary, who (honestly) doesn’t really seem to mind it.

and stan, an example of bravery, apologises and runs away before gary has a chance to answer him properly. ‘cause stan’s a jerk and he’s panicking.

he’s not used to handling stressful situations by himself, so he calls kyle because he has no one else to talk to:

stan: Dude, I have a problem. A big one.

kyle: Woah what happened??? Do you want me to come to your place?

stan: I just kissed a dude.

kyle: Okay I knew I’d hear these words from you one day.

stan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNEW.

kyle: Oh please–

stan: We’ll talk about it later.

kyle: Pff, sure, dude. So you’re gay? Is this a coming out? I’m really proud of you finally admitting it out loud and sharing this with me, you know I’ll always support you whenever you ne–

stan: It’s Gary Harrison.

kyle: What. The mormon kid????

stan: Yeah, we kinda… Hung out together in secret…

kyle: But you hated him???

stan: WELL IT TURNS OUT I DIDN’T.

kyle: So what do you call me for?

stan: Oh, right. I kinda… ran away after we kissed?…

kyle: WHY.

stan: I DON’T KNOW, MAN, I PANICKED.

so kyle as the most supportive friend ever first laughs at stan, then helps him to understand what to do next. (and totally tells about it to cartman)

and, well, it’s pretty long enough so i guess i’ll stop here, because the rest of it is pretty much the plot of any slowburn mlm 200k words fic lmao

so yeah. answering to your question: i love stary. a lot.

My half of an art trade with @bloogers-boogers that my dumbass forgot to post 😭

I drew their versions of the fuckers 😎🫵

They're arguing for the millionth time over something except this time it's actually hurtful - whoopsies

was thinkin' because of a tumblr post i saw

so i doodled a quick thing... i haven't rly thought through how i'd draw adult cartman in my style so take this with a grain of salt

i wanna write kyman i wanna draw kyman i wanna read kyman i wanna watch kyman

as you could maybe tell im not fucking normal about them

OK IDK IF ANYONE’S INTERESTED BUT

my compilation of kyman nsfw headcanons

(obviously they’re both aged up, it’s about 18 for both of them!!) also cw nsfw also please tell me if it gets too cringe……..

• they both have a LOT OF complaints about each other. for example, first month or two kyle has this thing about keeping their relationship in secret from everyone. so every time they’re about to have sex or even just to have a sleepover, he goes over the whole house five times to make sure nobody’s home, locks the door to his room, covers the windows, turns on the music so loud that no one could possibly hear what’s going on between them. he really even considered the idea of turning off the light, but cartman finally freaked out one day and said that if kyle wasn’t gonna handle his fucking paranoia, cartman would just go home.

also he’d try to make cartman quiet all the time so as not to be found by anyone, and it would piss cartman off SO bad: “Be quiet!!! My mom’s gonna hea–“ — “Can we please fuck at least ONCE without mentioning your BITCH mom OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

• also cartman is a jerk so every time kyle does something wrong and pisses him off, cartman remembers it and then later he leaves kyle bites, marks and hickeys on his neck or some other parts of his body that kyle can’t hide under the clothes. and kyle gets SO mad because “My mom is TOTALLY gonna notice this shit why the FUCK would you do that?” – “You called me fatass at school again, I had to take my revenge!”

eventually kyle would start wearing a scarf to hide all the marks cartman left him. and one day cartman was really stupid enough to start laughing in front of the other guys like “This scarf is so fucking gay, Kahl, what are you trying to cover up by it, hickeys??”. and oh boy if glares could kill…

• they don’t really have stable top/bottom roles… usually they just take over control when they feel like it (however, cartman-bottom and kyle-top happens to be a tiny bit more often)

• cartman is really into “extreme” so he would enjoy pestering and teasing kyle in public places so much. you know, quick unexpected kisses in the bus while nobody’s watching, brief touches and quiet and absolutely inappropriate whispering in the crowd…

moreover, cartman would totally be the type to start touching kyle’s knees under the table during the family dinner at broflovski’s house while talking to sheila with the most innocent face a person could possibly have. (kyle is sitting next to him about to explode with embarrassment and anger).

• in addition to that “extreme” thing, they are both kinda addicted to risking, so after two or three months of dating they both would get really into doing it in public. the worst time was in marsh’s bathroom once. stan learned about it already after the fact, and he stopped talking to them for, like, almost a week, because it was fucking traumatizing.

*kyle and cartman, kissing at the bus stop*

stan, laughing: You guys are gross, haha.

cartman, chuckling: Oh, come on, it’s nothing compared to that one time we did it in the bathroom in your house.

stan: …You did what?

kyle: WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT

cartman: What, you said you liked it!

kyle: I am so sorry, Stan, it’s all his fau–

stan: I am NEVER letting you in my house again.

kyle: Wait, Stan, please–

kenny, coming up to them: Hey guys! ‘Sup?

stan, completely broken: They had sex in my bathroom once.

kenny, grinning: WOAH nice one guys!!! Have you already done it in my house too?

kyle: NO

cartman, in sync: Yes.

• kyle absolutely sucks in romance but he’s actually trying his best to be as romantic as possible, so for their first time he bought flowers, lit candles in his room and made a goddamn playlist with the most cringy romantic songs about love ever. at first cartman didn’t mind it, and he honestly thought it was absolutely sweet. however when he heard some french song playing from kyle’s laptop while they were in the middle of process, he got so irritated he (with an effort) stopped kissing kyle for a minute to walk up, half-naked, to the table to turn off the music and mutter something about kyle’s terrible tastes.

• they both are SO prissy i mean they can get sooo absolutely gross sometimes, but having sex without having a shower and proper preparation first? never. and it’s actually pretty funny, because people don’t usually expect cartman to care so much about cleanness :D

• also cartman reaaally likes getting on kyle’s nerves and embarrass him in front of others, so it’s a typical situation when he tries to kiss or do something more intimate to kyle while he’s having a phone call or smth. (gross and disrespectful but oh how kyle loves it)

and it just somehow happens that stan is the one who suffers the most from this. one day stan and kyle were discussing on the phone something school-related and cartman got bored enough to start casually teasing kyle, touching him, kissing and biting his neck and, well, more.

kyle, breathing heavily while talking on his phone: Y-yes, dude, I’ll… I’ll send you my homework as soon as I get a chance.

stan: Kyle, I swear to fucking god if Cartman is trying to blow you while we’re talking, we will NEVER be friends again.

kyle: Of course he– doesn’t! What kind of perverts do you… think we are.

stan: You know what? I’ll ask Kenny about homework.

kyle: Kenny never does his homework.

stan: Yes, and Kenny also never tries to fuck someone AND talk to me at the same time!

kenny, shouting from the other room: I’m sorry to disappoint you, but actually–

stan, horrified: I hate you all.

• also yes meanwhile they can get pretty, uhh, sadistic from time to time most of the time they stick to gentle and comforting treatment because they never want to hurt each other on purpose. moreover, kyle praises cartman in bed constantly, making him feel much more confident about his body, and sometimes, when they’re most intimate and close to each other, kyle calls him “eric” and actually – cartman thinks just this, just hearing his own name pronounced by kyle with such satisfaction is so much better than sex itself.

• not nsfw, but cartman really often sneaks up to kyle’s room to just lay down with him and hug at night till they both fall asleep, and even though it was really awkward at first, as time passed, kyle got pretty used to opening his window and letting cartman in to hug him really tightly and sleep together :(

everyone is required to reblog this post with a reason why they love homestuck (if you've read and enjoyed it)