This Was Posted 2 Years About But This Is My Exact Process When Going Through Books And Information,

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Sometimes I look back at my memories and think "Yeah no, my childhood wasn't that much it was pretty normal."

Cue someone asking me what it was like and the complete dread that passes through me as my brain intentionally tries to sift through the river for normal memories because you don't share some messed up shit with most strangers unless ya' want to and everytime it comes up really blurred or practically nonexistent. And that makes me realize that yeah, my childhood wasn't actually normal. Does someone with a normal childhood need to search every nook and cranny of their memories for a single memory that they can comfortably share with someone and come up short each time? Probably not.

Alone I can convince myself of having a normal enough childhood but that's because my brain accepts a single moment out of hundreds that was relatively normal enough to count and then immediately takes it as a "Yeah that works, it was a good childhood."

Hell my brain can barely remember most of my childhood not because of a lack of memory but because it just won't show up. I search and search and it's all a blurry mass of "Yeah I was alive at that point." But like, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for what I did when I was alive. But yeah, brains are flippin' weird.

Beau is Afraid personal analysis:

From someone that can't put thoughts in order, is neurodivergen, and expects both nothing and everything from a film.

Just started watching Beau is Afraid and here's me just throwing interpretations and a shitty analysis into the void of Tumblr as I'm watching it!

It should be noted that the subtitles aren't working for me so a lot of the audio is hard to understand for me if I'm not absolutely invested. You should also expect some comparisons to Beau's life and mine since mommy issues don't wait for anyone besides the mother who throws them onto you!

In all honesty, I wanted to watch this movie when I first saw the poster but I have the habit of adding movies to my watchlist and then forgetting them if it isn't in my face 24/7 so it got benched. I finally picked it up because of Joaquin Phoenix and the fact that I wasn't mentally prepared for the Joker sequel. During the movie it did an amazing job of stopping my gawking at Joaquin to actually seeing Joaquin as Beau and being in the same room as Beau as if it were my own movie. Props to Ari Aster for making a mirror more than a movie.

Hour 1:

I obviously had to pause the movie while Beau was walking down the hall to the elevator. I really enjoy when people put small little details into media and even though a lot of it was hard to read I wasn't disappointed. It seemed that right off the bat dicks were going to be very important in the movie.

Beau's character was really relatable in the beginning in the sense that his anxiety is so persistent. There were a lot of people that commented on the pacing and scenes being confusing but from my POV it was a good representation of what living with anxiety is like. COMING BACK TO SAY THAT I WAS NOT READY! IT IS NOT JUST ANXIETY! IT IS LEARNED HELPLESSNESS AND SO MUCH MORE!

When Beau imagined a guy running into his apartment I felt the jump and shock just as much as him. It seemed strange that somehow all them people didn't walk inside of the store since it wasn't locked. The best I can take away from it right now although I might add things later is that the outside is just chaos really. I think it might have some to do with the feeling of the outside being so dangerous and the invasive thoughts of what could possibly happen to you when you even leave your apartment. You have one place in the world where everything while not particularly quiet and entirely peaceful is just enough to get away from the hustle and bustle and whatever terror comes with it. And having it invaded would turn anyone's day not just upside down but tossed over a cliff into a massive hole of "My fucking God what next?" and whatever curse words you can toss in with that sentiment.

When Beau missed the flight and had to break the news to his mom it really did feel like a call with my own mother. That silence where Beau is just seemingly waiting for a spur of disappointment to pass on from the other side of the phone. And not even at the situation but at Beau. Like for some reason Beau is the cause of it all and this isn't the first time he's been blamed or at the end of disappointment. And you can even hear it in his mom's voice so shout out to her actor for delivering those lines so wonderfully! Beau borderline pleasing with his mom for help and not getting any actual answer is beyond relatable. People are expected to somehow know where to go from somewhere in their own POV but when your POV doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight there's not a lot of help.

I tried to think about what the key missing could even mean if it possibly were supposed to be about how Beau feels internally and I'm coming face to face with the idea that while Beau wants to see his mom it might be that he struggles so much with reaching the middle of the bridge with the people he cares about along with an overwhelming fear of meeting with his mom in general. We can assume that something happened between them that makes the air so stiff. So maybe the key going missing and him missing his flight is himself trying to avoid whatever might come with going to see his mom in some way. It felt like self isolation. Like Beau wanted to be there but at the same time couldn't bring himself to do it and now he has to face his mom and apologize while also being too scared to apologize for not being able to open himself up enough to see her and let her see him.

Going back to the invasion of his apartment. If we imagine That this world in the beginning and his apartment is just what being in his head is like, that could also be a "Something's gotta give." moment where his fears and anxiety are racking up so high that his mind just lets the lock loose and all that noise starts flooding his head. Almost like when you get overstimulated and try to stop the outside world from coming inside but everything is just too much. I'm not good at explaining this so my bad.

Now moving on to finding out his mom has died. When you have anxiety and not only anxiety but OCD too it's like the smallest fear of something happening or you not doing something makes your fears come true. The idea that if you don't pick up a pencil you drop in the next five seconds a train will hit you at exactly five thirty-one in the evening on your way home even though there's no train tracks within a ten mile distance of you. I don't really know what to say about this part of the movie but his instant shut down and taking a bath with the figure that I'm guessing is some sort of comforting link he has to his mother is definitely what I'd do if I'd remembered that my tap was going and my mom is dead.

There's a point in the movie where Beau walks outside and there's some words behind him from at what point in the movie I don't know that say things like, 'pussy write letter' and 'pussy something whistle' and all that and I was confused by it but really did want to know if that meant someone's vag was writing a letter or if it was some sort of prosthetic you could buy I'm not sure but it was a hoot.

I can already see this being long and I'm not even halfway through the movie. Waking up in the gal's room was definitely something that made my head turn round I thought that maybe they'd bedazzled a hospital room or something. Beau looked pretty rough there so good healing to him throughout this movie. I took their behavior being weird and the dreamy feel as if Beau was craving some comfort and this is what he thought up to get it, which is so relatable. We can basically immediately interpret that Beau is a fill in for something the couple is missing AKA their son Nathan I believe was his name? For me this is so far the scariest part of the movie. And that's Beau being trapped. The actors do an amazing job of making you feel off in general. This feels like some pseudo family and the puzzle scene felt exactly like sitting down with my grandparents and having no idea what to do or what's even happening.

The way they treat what I think is their daughter compared to Beau is definitely a stark contrast. Reminded me of being a kid and wanting my mom to treat me the same as everyone else. Which was simply nice. The fact that they keep pushing him leaving back while he's begging for any way out is really the best representation of needing something NOW, not in the evening, not after a nice dinner and some good hosting, NOW. He's been guilted into believing that his mom's being insulted and humiliated and when he's doing what he can to stop it by leaving he's trapped and no one is giving him a way out of it. He can't even properly give himself a way out because he's been knocked into Saturn by a car and is currently healing from it. Anyways, an hour in and that's all I got.

Hour 2:

Okay that took an insane turn. The peer pressure carpool made me extremely uncomfortable and I honestly just wanted it to end since he kept saying no. The girls saying that they'd accuse him of that stuff put another edge into the situation when it already had plenty of sharp edges. In some way I see it as Beau somewhat needing a good puff but also not needing it. Does he need it or is he convincing himself that he does? Does he not need it or is it because his anxiety and suspicions are so implemented into him that he can't or won't? This scene was definitely good to watch if you need to tip of your blood pressure if it's low.

I knew it was going to cut to the boat when I heard the seagulls but what I expected to be a calm in this chaotic fucking movie turned out to be the exact opposite. This post isn't even interpretations anymore it's going to be me spiraling. Everyone did an amazing job atmosphere wise because what the fuck? Every interaction between young Beau and his mom just made me want to screw my face up so hard you could hammer it to a wall. I'm wondering if Beau recognized the woman that he cut back to in the video on his mom's death and I'm also wondering if this young gal is a positive, negative, or neutral. The scene where she counts down and what I'm guessing lead to a kiss got skipped because it just made me too uncomfortable.

I was immediately hit with what was the worst wham bam in the world. I saw those creepy people's daughter without a shirt and didn't want to go back but was hoping they'd explain and was let down completely with my brain in a twister. Most of it was me thinking "Dear God tell me nothing happened with this teen fucking girl." Don't know if anything did and will probably never know because I honestly wouldn't be able to take it.

By this point we see the mom's obvious want to tell Beau what the fuck is going down especially when we see Beau is being recorded and not only is he being recorded, as far as he knows this little remote could tell him his whole life. Both Beau and the daughter's crashout are completely understandable. The gal wasn't any bit kind to Beau but she was the break in reality. The screw that wouldn't nail in the hole right. And in some sense I feel like Beau definitely needed her interaction to realize something was very deeply wrong. The way he's holding an obvious doll is hilarious but I wonder if it's supposed to be the kink that the audience needs to realize that this isn't real. It's real in the sense that it's happening but everything Beau is going through isn't real. These interactions aren't spontaneous they're planned. And Beau is slowly realizing it bless his heart.

30 minutes later and I'm even more dumbstruck. I really love how when you're watching the play featuring Beau you almost get lost in the story too, seeing yourself walking in his shoes. And it supports the anxiety of it all. You could have a good life, you can have a wife and children and all things in between. All the happiness you want. But it's going to end. Something beyond your control is going to tear it away from you and you have so much life left to live. So much that you'll wonder if that happy beginning is worth the sad ending. I could have this, but I can't keep this. The part where Beau reunites with the children only to find out that his wife is still lost didn't ease it. Congratulations you've found three halves of your soul, where's the fourth? The idea that Beau wants to find family and some place that feels like home for him in a world where he doesn't belong comes up again. Beau wants that but has he opened his can up enough to let it in? To let it want him? There's a lot of him both being the one guilty and innocent. He's guilty of doing all of it in the first place, of having a family and knowing that they'll be ripped away. Of walking into that broken up town and having the audacity to get too involved by just standing there. And at the same time, he's innocent. Because why shouldn't he want a home? Why shouldn't he be standing in that town? The idea of him giving his last bit of change for one empty stomach moment of happiness is worth more to him than a stomach full of food. Personally I can't disagree, happiness can keep you full plenty. But it shows a lack of self preservation trying to just grasp the concept with what fingernails he hasn't chewed off out of paranoia. This explanation isn't good and I'm sure these aren't ideas worth quoting in the next Sherlock Holmes book but I just really loved how this simple robotic voice pulls you into a trance. It felt almost as if they were trying to get him to join their cult up until he snapped out of it and the play looked completely different!

Hour 3:

My jaw dropped and never stopped dropping. It felt like I was watching the tape from The Ring and it only closed when Beau's counselor came out of the what I assume was a bathroom smiling. That's really when the dread filled every nook and cranny of my mind.

When he found his childhood gal I couldn't stop staring and I wondered the same as Beau if it was even real at all. I kept pausing and reminding the part where she turns over in bed to turn a song on Spotify on to see what songs were displayed but it was too blurry for me to see and I eventually gave up after enough tit flashes. Throughout the rest of that sequence I was saying "Wow! Congrats buddy you're alive and you're okay!" only to be completely dumbfounded with my jaw open like a guppy when I realized everything was in fact not okay. The having hanky panky time in my dead mom's bed would throw me off but it makes sense when you realize he knew she wasn't actually dead.

When she revealed herself and started mentioning the times she felt that Beau didn't care enough it really did remind me of my relationship with my mother. I thought that maybe he might've given her the tape because he liked it so much or thought she did but after she said he just couldn't decide on things for himself I realized it was most likely because he really just didn't know what to get her and I definitely resonated with that. My mom expected me to understand what she wanted from the get go but I never knew what to get her for gifts or what to do when she was slowly judging towards an idea. I knew my mom but I didn't know what she wanted and it personally left me stuck in a ditch of guilt every time. Christmas was the worst simply because I didn't know what to come up with without her saying it to my face. I did end up finding something I think surprised her though, it was one of those zen sand gardens since her old one was busted. I think the relationship between Beau and his mom really hut you the worst when you realize she's right in some aspect. All of the people that were hurt because he was lost and even worse, afraid. But how can you trust that? From the woman that manipulated him into believing that she died? From the woman who's been watching him as close as when he picks his nose and from what nostril? And was it really Beau? Considering the fact that most of the interactions haven't been genuine and the pure trauma of it all, was it him or was it the dog that ran him into the fence? Really I don't even know what I'm saying anymore it's just pure rambling.

The final straw was the audio recording of his session. Of him speaking to a man he believed he could trust and saying how isolating it all felt. To be stuck with a mom that was pulling on both of your arms left when you wanted to take just one step right your own way. Of being guilted by your parent and or parents into believing that you didn't love them enough or that you were ungrateful because you simply didn't want to do exactly what they wanted you to. I definitely related to that, my mom would revoke my invitation to join my family when they went out to eat simply because my hair wasn't done how she wanted it to be done and would shame me for my own lack of decision making and control over my life. Beau does lack decision making but it didn't seem like his mom actually tried to help, she just waterlogged off to the side and expected him to when he was wrong no matter what if it wasn't what she expected. I really don't know what to say, his mom deserved a happy childhood and she's valid in wanting her son's love but he didn't have to give it to her how she wanted him to and he also deserved a good childhood. I'm waiting for the cherry on top in the attic so we'll see what happens next.

It's over. This T fuck face of a rex movie is over. Beau's dad literally being a massive dick is what I assume some representation of Beau not being able to see his dad as a person. His father wasn't around, he only knew him as the cock that impregnated his mom and made his pops croak in the same breath because of how God damn cursed it was. In the somewhat accurate words of Tyler the Creator, he was considered a sperm donor. The small man up against a dude with a fucking mic on a large platform was obviously Beau supposed to be Beau's grievances being ignored and quieted because of how wrong his mom made him feel for every inconvenience she experienced. And killing him was what to me meant silencing Beau once and for all. To kill the thing that allowed him the smallest but of self comfort. And all that's left was to kill Beau. I'd like for a happier ending but I feel like Beau's death did make a lot of sense. You listen to prolonged mental abuse like that and in the end again, "Something's gotta give." Beau died feeling guilted and betrayed, begging his mom for help and assistance the same as he did throughout his life only to be ignored by not only her but everyone that was convinced along with her that he was the bad guy one last time. You die that way. Feeling guilty for something no matter what.

I don't really know what to say, this was a wonderful movie and it was the most immersive movie I've seen besides the fact I wasn't in the studio to actually walk the set. I loved the practical giant dick and the slow decent into terror instead of dick jokes. Patti LuPone really took Beau's mom as a character to another level and Joaquin Phoenix is a hard man not to hug at the end of most of his movies. Thanks for reading this if you actually for some reason took the time out of your day to do it. I hope I never forget this movie and if I do I'll buy a bird to squawk it to me every few days.

See y'all sometime if anytime!

Sometimes growing up is being given a large left boot all polished and pretty but nothing else and being told that "You'll grow into it someday." they've given you nothin' but a boot and expect you to hobble around barefoot until it fits.

So you stuff it in your drawer for that someday while walking around barefoot waiting for the day the shoe fits. It'll fit you someday. And you'll fit it back someday. Someday.

You open the drawer over and over again thinking "Maybe today is the day." but it isn't. You sit there wanting to cry because your feet are sore and tired with your skin begging to finally fall off the bone and you've been waiting for the damn shoe to fit all this time. To just fucking fit you. Fucking fit you because you were told it would and you've only those words to trust.

Years go by, and the shoe still don't fit. Either it's too big or too small for your foot. You've torn holes into it trying to force it to fit your foot and it's holding on by string and leather. It's far from the perfect boot it was when you first got it. And a whole lot closer to a single torn sole of a boot left in some small town backyard.

All you know is that it'll fit you. And you've had nothing but the focused pain in your scabbed feet to carry you around. It has to fit you. It has to. It has to or you've spent all this time waiting for it to fit and it never will. Then you focus on the never will part. Really, what if it never does? If it never does and you've spent all the time in pain waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing? Dese God you hope that's not it.

It's been decades and there's all kinds of shoe stores in your area with good boots looking real pretty in the windows. You hold out. You refuse to buy them because your boot WILL fit. It WILL. You go home and look in that drawer one last time. Dig the left boot out and put it on your begging left foot. There are two ways this can go although those two ways can lead to different things in the future. Way one, it doesn't fit. Again, it's too small or too big. You sit there frustrated because its been decades and you're not sure if the boot has decades more to go based on how worn it is. You're not sure if your feet have decades based on how worn they are. You're not sure if you have decades. Now what? Way two, it does fit. It finally fits. But, you only have a single left boot. You've waited all this time and there's no right boot to fit your worn and torn right foot. Now what?

Those two ways can lead to plenty of now whats. You waited decades for a single boot to fit you and for a single foot to fit it back. And it was all in vain. You have no shoe you can depend on now because it's all frilled leather and frayed lace that's one try on away from turning into dust. And it was all in vain. You wonder for the rest of your life about that boot. There'll be plenty of other boots and but they'll never be that boot. Solace is both found and not found.

That's it. Sometimes your childhood is a boot that you're waiting to fit so bad it becomes a religion and that's all you have to go off of. This is a 10:38 rant so yeah. Yeah that's it.

please stop associating the term neurodivergent with JUST autism and adhd. like please. there are so many ways to be neurodivergent and it’s not fair to assume that it’s just about autism adhd.

Gravity Falls Rant #1 Ft. The Pines twins! 😀😀😀😀 (They make me violently ill).

Thinking about the Pines twins is actually like chewing your way through wires only to see a guinea pig playset and more confusing wires. The somewhat beginning of their thirty year-long no-contact session was because of a book, a request, and a whole lot of longing. To Stan the book was partially what kept his brother from him besides himself and now it was all he had to bring his brother back. To Ford the book was the only way to save the world and he was entrusting it to his brother only to be let down. 

Growing up as the Pines twins was rough. Ford was a trophy for his father but people don't sit their trophies on the couch with them and talk to them like people. Trophies are made for polishing and shelves and a ton of showing off. And no matter how big the trophy is it isn't big enough or worth enough. Ford was smart. He knew he was smart but it wasn't enough. Because if it were enough he would already have the answers and already have solved the problem. He couldn't see himself as good enough so how could Stan be? This man, his brother, that his father, the person that made him the brainiac better brother saw as worse than him being good enough? No. No he loves Stan but no. How could Stan be? How could anyone be? Even when he saw Dipper as an apprentice, Dipper needed improving, Dipper needed to change parts of his mindset to become enough. Ford was ruined by his father and ruined by Bill and ruined by the shelf he was forced to sit on. He was selfish in his own way, he was more shiny golden plaque with a pencil behind his ear than man by the time Bill got to him wasn't he? He pushed his brother away before Bill. Yes, that's true. He doesn't trust people. Yes, that's also true. In his eyes he trusted his brother to save the world from his crazy evil ex 2d creep boyfriend that wants to destroy his dimension and plenty more where that came from. And because he trusted him it all went bad. He got trapped in a portal and the crook that did it to him stole his identity, his titles, his degrees, and scuffed it in the mud. There's no excusing what they both did to each other but there are causes and there are reactions. 

And when it comes to Stan yeah he's money crazy probably because his father messed him up too. The twins' father saw them as investments and money pouring into his pocket. Ford could buy him his ticket to retirement and own his own private bank with his smarts but what could Stan do? How much does being put out on the lawn with a for sale sign for only three bucks or more with your title being "other Stan" do to you? He needed money, he needed to become an investment somehow. Gambling for quick bucks? Yes, that's it! He was a dog but not man’s best friend. Maybe it would be enough but it would go on to haunt him for the rest of his life. By the time he came into money he had taken his brother's name, identity, house, and what else was left for him besides his mountain of debt? Who really made the money when his name wasn't his name, him or Ford? He needs a lot of cash to rebuild and fix up that portal anyways. Maybe his mother and the IRS agent could forgive what he's done, although his mother has always been an OG, enough to go to his fake funeral but could he forgive himself? Forgive himself for what he took and took and took and took? For what strange person he sees in the mirror with dimes between its teeth? 

And yes he's selfish and seemingly only does things for his own benefit but imagine being trusted by one person, his brother, and one person only to do something right. Their father trusted Stan alright but he only trusted him to screw up and be the "other brother" yes the second Stan, the never Ford Stan. Imagine being trusted for once, trusted, by someone to even save the world possibly. And instead of saving the world you accidentally push that person into a portal and don't see them for the next thirty years. How is Stan supposed to trust himself to do anything right for anyone after that? He's greedy, but is he greedy for wanting his brother back knowing he's the reason he wants him back in the first place? He knows he did wrong but he just wants his brother. The world has taken every bit of dignity he wishes he had but his brother has to be off limits! At least according to him, the self sabotaging screw up. The look Ford gives him sure makes him feel like he's a greedy screw up. He's wearing the skin of the person he lost because of his own actions who saw him as a con artist and the suit of the man that didn't want him from the get-go who saw him as a cheap one trick pony. 

When Ford saw his brother he saw his father. The person Stan and Ford were molded by and ruined by. This man was the wack job Bill probably wanted to turn him into meddling around up there. And he was wearing his name? Stan did a lot but to take Ford’s name? To turn Ford into this? Into what he was sculpted opposite from? Why? How? How could he forgive him for this after just getting out of the other dimension? He was a future hero! How could Stan make a future hero look so lame! And not only that, he'd remembered his brother being a loving but corny cheapskate with a sly tongue and a bit of scamming under his boots. Now that's the exact person he wants to get away from. Because that's who Bill was. Stan didn't want to be his father but maybe being his father would make him proud? Ford wanted to be good for their father. Maybe if Stan became their father Ford would turn to him and they could laugh for a while and only a while. Maybe that's a stretch but we can over-analyze and never stop with their dynamics. 

They both pushed the people they cared about away. And they both want things out of each other that in their minds they'll probably never get from a brick wall. They're both greedy for things they feel deep down they'll never reach because of what the people around them made them out to be. Stan, being greedy for money if that's all you know him for. And Ford being greedy for the role of hero.

When Bill tried to call Stan and tell him Ford was going to end his life and leave him all alone to his BS? And to say that Ford never loved him in Ford's own body? Ford felt his heart drop for a minute until he noticed that the message hadn't been sent. He has things against his brother but to tell him that? To tell him he never loved him? No. Bill taught him to trust no one and in the other dimension he might've tried to hammer it into his brain but he couldn't. There was a brother shaped hole where his heart was and his six fingers couldn't crack the code on how to get rid of it. To Ford his trust was his love. He loved his brother but could he trust his brother now? Could he trust anyone now? Who knows. It's all over and there's a boat to sail at the end of it all. With his brother.  

They're brothers. And it's messy but that's it. They're brothers. 

There's obviously so much you could say about what Bill did to Ford mentally and a lot about the positive aspects having their mother around and not just their father and yada yada their father isn't their only trauma but isn't the home where it all begins?

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED talk!

"💣×%$ ⚡️ @$$💀 ⛵️?? 💣×&#💣 ×** ×*?💀🌪"

"*?%$ !× @&?"

Tiktok is banned. If you need me you can catch me neck deep in ao3 to a degree I have never been neck deep in ao3 before

beau is afraid is uncanny in separating who understands or has experienced cPTSD and who has not because those who have not think beau is just irrationally anxious and “too afraid to live his life”. meanwhile those with cPTSD are like um he actually was abused emotionally/mentally/physically (medications)/sexually/financially his entire life and has learned pattern recognition but go off i guess? like these are the same people who think once someone is 18 they have full control over their lives, so they don’t understand why disobeying a parent might result in homelessness which may result in disabling illness which may result in death lolol. they can’t put those chains together because they weren’t constantly abused and punished. they’re the same people who don’t get why gypsy rose didn’t just “tell the police” (even tho she did try that).

another scene i particularly liked was the mother screaming at beau for not making decisions. for needing clarity or asking questions. reminds me of my entire autistic childhood and adults yelling at me. still makes no sense.

My second post about Beau is Afraid tonight an I have to say. It does an amazing job reminding you of all the things you went through with an emotionally abusive and or abusive in general parent and especially mother.

You sit in your seat thinking and thinking and then, the thinking stops. You'll go about your life forgetting it all again to protect yourself when you aren't protecting yourself at all. Because those habits are as rooted in you as the stains from the pumpkin smashed on gravel and left for weeks. You'll go back to a version of your mind before remembering and when someone asks about your childhood and your parents in particular you'll most likely say "I dunno." or brush it off in general. You can't take the time to remember right now and you don't know if you're actually remembering it right or if it's all true. You don't want to face the truth. If you're wrong you're accusing your parent of something you can't take back. Because your parent is your parent and you shouldn't feel that way because they did so much for you so bury it. Bury it deep or it'll come up and something bad will happen because it always does. A bit of a rant that went of the rails but yeah. Good job to everyone that worked on it y'all did bomb!