Unknown // Ladybird (2017) // White Oleander By Janet Fitch // Elektra By Sophocles // Everything Everywhere

All this expectation is a knife!!

Getting worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better

I recreate situations in the Sims 4 to feel some grasp of control over them

Dude last night I had this dream we were fucking. I saw the back of your neck all bare and it was like I fell forward lips first onto it. Thin gold chain, spring clasp, I ripped it off with my teeth. I heard you choke for a second until it broke but you knew I wouldn't hurt you.

And in the dream we are in your bed, in your old room, the one you shared with that emo boy-girl who didn't want you having anyone over ever, in that so silent space of broken eye contact and listening, listening. A space can't last if you know you have to leave it right, so here I am writing about some pathetic dream I had about some thing I said I would forget. Maybe some other night I would write about softness or upturned lips but no this is all water now

Friendship

I listened to the whole of your three-page poem about the life you wanted to live. I cupped your dreams by my heart.

The gasp when the wind is knocked out of you. When you can't do anything but react. It's harder to stay quiet when you have to- the time I just had to smoke weed way past dusk boundaries and brought you with me and we lay on top of each other in the snow, your hand over my mouth because I was so high and each breath felt like a roar.

I brought you with me everywhere I went. Around my neck during hazy nights sprawled on the bathroom floor. Bad hookups where neither of us have had enough to drink. I'll never forget your face in the periphery of every memory.

Last summer I watched as you fell in the pool and your blood stained the water like little explosions. You were fine, it was just your foot, but afterwards we lay naked on the hot pool deck and you confided in me the things only I could hear, that sometimes still you wished you were dead.

I had no advice to give because I felt the same way. It was kind of funny. We've known each other for sixteen years but we're still right where we started. Looking towards the same future. The same people.

When I was little, probably 7 or 8, I spent a summer working in the library at our church helping out the elderly woman who ran it. It was no bigger than a large broom closet but we had a notable amount of religious books for all age ranges as well as an extensive collection of cassette recordings of every Sunday sermon going back a decade or two. I'd sit in there all day helping her catalog the index cards and keep record of who had borrowed what. We wrote on index cards all day long and listened to the recorded sermons, which included the choir's worship service at the beginning. "Nearer, My God, To Thee" was always my favorite hymn by a long shot. I wanted to emulate listening to it on the tiny tape player in that little library for Perverts. It's a fond memory of mine, just wanted to share :)

It's Saturday and I'm smoking out my bedroom window again.

A lyric is stuck in my head: the end is closer every second than it's ever been right now.

I wonder that dying is the only thing I'll never be able to control. I find it hard to believe that I won't be scared.

I know that's why people believe in God— because they're scared. I don't really have anything to believe in; maybe the air bubbles in oil, adrenaline, a first draft.

I want to believe in something that's worthy of it. But I haven't found anything like that yet.

Myself, maybe?

Sophisticated

a song I wrote as the new year came

I am looking ahead again It's the lemon seeds in my water Hair stuck in my collar I'm dreading the end again It's the paint on my fingernails The passing of time Now the ceiling's getting lower And the cards are all crying The same lines "You're the only problem It's why you'll never be great again" Sophisticated, unmedicated Every time I breathe it hurts Not complicated, I'm just retaining All this dirty water Each second as a blessing Counting down the days until it fails me twice Then I'll be frustrated Laying in my bed until it happens thrice Now everyone's texting me Look at your phone, it's '25 But I'm still stuck in last year Wanting all the things that've passed me by Ribs being counted, stars unprofounded Who did you say you were? Sophisticated, lately been craving Some type of modular

It's been thirty minutes I can still feel the magic of purple skirts Rituals and paper It's getting later But I'm the same daughter

I wanna go to a friend's friend's friend's show & get fucked by her afterwards

I want to be alone in a crowded room

i wanna do something that's not allowed

i told you sooooooooooooo 🫡

The sky is a foggy dark gray like I’ve hotboxed the whole planet and not just my 13th floor apartment, smoke curls out the window and it always has somewhere to go.

There is no room for hesitation or stupidity. It just is, and I am carried by want, impulse, the direction of the wind.

Like she said, I want to feel the heat of all the bodies. I want to be alive but aliveness disgusts me, I want to be predictable and human-like. Every moment I am thinking about how it will end and this gets me nowhere, so no wonder I feel stuck.

Trapped in between two tall buildings, endless city blocks, always paralyzed by fear, asking stupid questions like it’s part of my nature— which it is— existing under a false lightless sky; I’m finding wonder in things that I can’t see, taking the easy way out.

Six days sober

Recently learned about a type of pattern synesthesia where people can pick out 4-leaf clovers easily

I wonder if they are more lucky