My Second Ever Youtube Video, Which Is Already So Much Better Than The First One Was! So Proud Of Myself,

Internship in the Theater turned out to be quite an underwhelming technically and overwhelming morally type of disaster… I have the hope, that it will get better, once people start trusting me being on fellow human being, but for now they just alienate me most of the time. Only the acting folx are truly nice and don’t care for my looks and the mask, they treat me kindly. Once again, Disabled people behave more humanly than non-Disabled folx while the whole world pretends like Disbaled people need to be dehumanised.

Sadly I don’t read atm, but started to play Sims Medieval (Pirates and Nobles) and it’s quite fun except of a racist name for Roma people. Treating roma and sinti like they are mythical creatures out of fables, putting them together with “the knight, the wizard, the elves, the princess..” like it’s a school play.. really not cool. Don’t understand why they still didn’t change it.

Learning how to edit long videos on my laptop is actually really fun. Also it looks almost like the pictures from my ✨vision board✨

Soon I am 27 and will have to make a new vision board for the next solar year. I am very interested to see what things will stay and what will change 🦆🦔

No Visability without acceptance⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

Trans* day of visibility means nothing, when visibility is putting us in more danger. We need medicine and medical professionals to catch up on the fact, that there is more than just cis people (cis peri people for that matter, even though inter* is not trans*). We need them to really UNDERSTAND that their gendering is harming real people especially by slowing the progress of medicine. We need social workers, teachers, psychotherapists, who do the same, who choose people’s life’s and figures over the old books and dusty believes that never have been correct. We need people around us stop thinking in binaries, to stop gendering clothes and perfumes, cables and babies (let’s stop genitalia parties for unborn fetuses, wtf?). We need people to stop putting the cis woman over everyone else on terms of suffering and therefore importance. They become only worse when thinking they only can be victims, not perpetrators (people can be both. People are both.)

Visibility is ok, it’s important, but who wants to become a bullseye for the hating uneducated crowd?..

Just mailed my new Newsletter (vol.2 jippie! What a time to be alive!) This time talking about ME/CFS, #stillcoviding, solidarity and anger because of the lack of it. I wish I could host my own magazine type of situation.. Maybe one day with a special person. I love writing, people seem to like reading my things as well or at least most of them. The only way how I can become self-sufficient in a financial way would be by becoming a "full time" educator and writer. (I say "full time", because in my condition the only full tim eactivity I take part in is taking care of my basic needs. Still now always succeeding..)

Other topic: I have ordered some secondhand books and plan to write some book reviews on things i read recently and really liked. There are not many, but i have not written a book review in a very very long time.

Review: Anarchism: Arguments for and Against (by Albert Meltzer)

Very tiny book, less than 100 pages. But quite easy to understand for someone who reads stuff in english besides social media content. I did not know some words and there are definitely some things I need to do research on because I did not complitely understood how smth is ment. But it’s a book full of short answers, which in itself is a great concept. If someone needs/wants to dive deeper they can, but if they don’t want/cannot afford it atm they will have some closer to reality picture of anarchism and how a lot of things that are called anarchism actually are none. I am planing to read some things by Black authors on topic of abolition, but this was definitely helpful to find some ground from which I can move forward.

The book is older and it has no mention of genderqueer people (though it has mention of what’s usually called sexual minorities). I did not see anything about Disability as well.

I had so many punk, alternative, leftist, communist, anarchist friends and then anti-covid measures were lifted and after half a year into it i was left with two people who are still wearing a mask and take other measures. I got to know some other chronically ill folx which still take covid seriously, but everyone else who was so so feminist and anti-racist and pro trans* rights and pro migrants and antifa and all that.. everyone else just stopped reacting to my info about masks and solidarity and stopped texting me all together. I am asking myself sometimes how do they live with their consciousness? How do they walk around, see masked people sometimes and think "oh, elfi was a great friend to me, i was so grateful for their knowledge and help, but then the whole respect-my-life-and-health thing became too much for me so i just ghosted them. what a great way to say thank you, it was!" Of Corse not, they pushed me out of their lives like they did with everyone else who is chronically ill and/or Disabled while being covid cautious. What a pity. My heart broke so many times in the last 3 years. But also: how are we meant to achieve a revolution, how would we eat the rich or abolish whatever there is to abolish, if we cannot even protect the most vulnerable by making the minimal effort of not making them sick by choice? (because knowing that you can protect someone and not doing so is a choice to bring them in potential danger) How do we talk about feminism and trans* rights if we cannot manage the basic consent question of "i do not give you my permission to bring me in more danger"? Questions about questions, as they say in germany T.T

anyways, after writing multiple articles for the newsletter on that topic i still have so many things to say, one day there will be a great book about it (already made a layout for the story) and I hope i will not get even more brain fog and other issues. There are so many books i yet have to write...

Tbh if you consider yourself "Alt" or "punk," I don't care unless you wear a mask in public. Otherwise, you're just another poser.

I hope to find more time to read soon, but I am so busy with doing things and having anxiety T.T I finally came around to film a YouTube video about the books I read in the last 11 months, but editing it will be so annoying because I don’t have money for a program that would put proper subtitles in..

The last weeks were somehow mentally heavy. I mean, I know why, it’s just that I always hope, that this time my body and mind will be used to it. But the only way how we are used to it is to not see it until some weeks in the situation already. It sucks, honestly. I now have to, again, make up a new routine with little to no knowledge about my working hours at the internship, pretend like everything is fine there and then spontaneously change the plan every time someone else wants it changed. I didn’t know that an internship in a theater can be THAT autism unfriendly?? Sure, was clear that it will have some chaos, but really not having no palm at all and not even trying to give the interns some sort of knowledge? Nobody even told me upfront “hey btw we are a theater that has no scripts or anything, we just do stuff in the process, so you need to be prepared for changing hours and not knowing more than one day ahead”. It would be horrible news but it would be better than to find it out on the second day (on the first day nobody told us anything really).

I really really need to stop giving a damn haha

But how when Disability bE DiSaBiLiTing?😭🥲🫠

P.s. it’s a so called “inclusive theater” btw and yes they might be mostly good to the acting group but I am also Disabled can someone include me please T___T