Latest Posts by dreamofarunawayland - Page 4

I am spoiled, this fact is confirmed to me today, I literally ate out of my mom's hand, first of all, to clear things up a bit, I don't know how to eat crab, I understand what to do I guess, but I can't do it, we don't eat crab often so there's not that much need. The thing is that my mom made seafood soup, which was really good by the way, and she saw that I had the crab untouched, she asked me why and I told her I didn't know how to open it, well, did I learn how to open a crab? Not really, I just learned how to get the meat out of the claw. And I found a funny bone in my soup, its texture is really funny, like plastic I think, I cleaned it well and I'm keeping it.

I want to scream and cry so bad, my mom just told me that my cousins are coming to be the afternoon with me, and I swear over my life that I love my cousins, but I am tired, and I feel that my mom is trying to push my limit, I'm not the most social person in my circle, I actually would love a lot more to just stay in my room, sleeping, and doing nothing but stare at the ceiling for hours, my mom knows that I don't like to talk, but noooooo, I have to fucking socialize, and my social batery is already fucking empty, just trow me to the floor with a plushie and I swear I'll be more happy than a clam in high tide! And in general, I would be happy to talk to my cousins, but this week I have had to socialize more than usual, it is annoying to have to talk when I don't even have the energy to get out of bed.

I love stuffed animals, and today I got a new one, it's a sheep one, I named him Olive, I adored him when I saw him, but i wasn't sure if I could have him, I hate getting emotionally attached to stuffed animals when i don't know if i could have them, he didn't have a price tag like others, and I hated the thought of maybe not getting him because of that, I felt like I was going to cry if that was the case, l'd much rather be told I couldn't have him than that he couldn't be sold because he didn't have a price tag, Olive is a grey sheep, and he's so cute, and soft! I didn't want any of his look-alikes, I wanted Olive, that's when I knew i got emotionally attached to him, luckily I was able to take Olive home, I'm going to love him so much.

Have you ever thought about committing suicide? I had many of thoughts of those 'what if' about my death when I was little, I don't remember having problems at home and don't have any actually, I was a happy and energetic child who loved to play all day, playing pranks, I wanted to die but everything was fine if you removed that...What happened?Now I'm 15, I'm growing up, and I hate it, all my life I have relied on the feeling that even if I don't try, all is going to be okay, it is not, it's disgusting if you think about it, I want to stop, I want to improve, I really want to, but....What do I want? All those things, are the things that have been asked of me, also demanded, but, what do I want? Do I want to live? Do I want to reach adulthood? Do I want to learn what sex is like? Do I want to live independently? Do I want to have children? Do I want to do something good once in my life? The answer is yes, I want to do something good, not good for me, but for them, can I die for them? They will get rid of me once and for all, I want to repay them back, my school is not cheap, I should wait to get all the money they spent on me to commit suicide........I want to die, I'm tired, not only physically, but mentally, I don't see myself making it much further than 20. They say dying is like sleeping, so I want to sleep, I want to sleep and to not wake up.

Today, for some reason, I feel very happy, full of energy, today I participated a lot in class, today my friend did not come, but I did not feel alone, today I talked to them, I didn't feel upset, today feels so good, today feels so light, nothing special has happened, yesterday I took a nap in the afternoon, is that the reason for my happiness? My energy? It feels so good, I feel so good to sleep what I need, not much, not little, just what is necessary, or maybe just what feels right, when was the last time I felt like this? When was the last time I slept properly? When? ........... It does not matter, today I feel good, today I am happy.

I am more used to talking to older people than to people my age, I am 15 years old, and of all the friends I had of my age, currently I am only in constant contact with one, however, when it comes to adults, older people in general, it is easier to talk, I guess it's because in my family, I was one of the youngest, most of the people around me are much older.

That's also why I'm used to hearing conversations about politics, disputes at work, corruption, economics, history, there's also the fact that my dad is a man who is already in his 70s, I think...... Anyway, adults are, to put it one way, very serious and literal when speaking, or at least the ones I grew up with, that's why I tend to take literally everything people say to me, I don't understand sarcasm, I don't understand jokes, I don't laugh at jokes, I am used to speaking politely, bad words are frowned upon, I guess they gave me a good habit of being polite, but unfortunately they did not teach me the habit of making an effort.

I guess this isn't a new discovery about me but writing helps me think, my mind goes from one side to the other and for some reason I end up seeing myself crying, maybe it's because I want to cry about something but I don't know what, I'm not missing something, I haven't felt angry, sad, no one has died, maybe stressed but I don't think that makes sense, I haven't been stressed that I can remember. Why do I want to cry? I don't understand, I really don't understand.

Maybe it's just the hormones, maybe something else that I'm not realizing, I refuse to think that it's depression, it shouldn't and can't be, maybe it's that lately I feel very numb, many times I don't realize what I'm feeling, but for some reason I want to cry right now, it's weird.

New discovery about me!

I just realized that I don't like to eat, I mean I love eating, I love cooking and eating more importantly, but at the same time I don't, probably because sometimes I have a hard time swallowing the food. It's strange, but funny, because the other time I made some pancakes and I made them blue (food coloring), to begin with, pancakes aren't my favorite, I like something simple and salty much more, although lately I don't eat breakfast because I wake up late, back to the topic, eating pancakes was so easy! I'm usually struggling with myself to eat them! It was so comfortable to eat them, that even today I want pancakes! Maybe it's because I like to eat something much more colorful, pretty, if it looks simple, ok, it doesn't bother me, just a jumbled bunch of I don't know what foods? not so much. Or maybe it's because I'm being picky? I don't know, but eating colorful and pretty foods makes eating much easier!

Lately, I'm having fun memories, once, when a friend introduced me to a friend of hers, we started talking, and well, one thing led to another and we talked about websites to watch +18 comics, the funny thing happens when she confesses to me that she thought that I wasn't the type of person to see that kind of thing, going so far as to call me a saint, I know that I get distracted very easily, going so far as to point out something obvious that they had already noticed but that I hadn't, leading to a little embarrassment on my part.

Maybe it is like that because I don't usually say bad words, it's very rarely when I do that, I'm also not the type of person to just start talking about my tastes out of nowhere, I prefer that the other person start the topic, but I find it funny, like for being a person reserved and distracted, someone can have such a pure image of me, it's unexpected, but it doesn't bother me, I think that I enjoy it (to some extent obviously), I enjoy fooling them.

I hate having greasy hair, however, today my mom tells me not to wash it, because since she flat ironed it yesterday it looks good. I think the opposite, my hair is shit, I want to wash my hair, it's disgusting, I want to throw a tantrum, but they're going to tell me that I'm very immature, that I was more mature when I was little, I don't care, I want to wash my damn hair, but if I do it then my mom will be complaining that the time I used to iron it was for nothing, but I don't even like having my hair ironed, I hate it, but she says I look good with my hair ironed, I hate it. The only reason I wanted to take a bath today was to wash my hair, if I don't wash my hair, I'd better not even bathe, because if with my hair like that, I only wash my body, it's disgusting, I hate it, I hate it , I hate it.

Today the results of a very important exam for me arrived, I achieved the necessary grade to pass the exam, however, I am not sure if I will pass the year, I spent almost all my time playing with my friends, my parents do not require me to better grades, only what is necessary to pass and perhaps have a university scholarship in the future, however, I feel that at any moment they can come and scold me for how I do not make an effort, for how I do not pass the exam and consequently the year, I am waiting for it, and not because I want it, but because I constantly feel that I am not enough, I am not intelligent enough, polite enough, reasonable enough, and most notably, I am not like my cousin, intelligent, pretty, talkative, outgoing, kind, already on her way to university and is interested in her physique and things related to beauty, I can't help but envy her, and I have done it for years, since I was little, and I felt that it was an obligation to be like her, if she I had a doll, I wanted the same doll, I wanted what she had, and I still do, I'm not very interested in keeping myself pretty, I like to wear comfortable clothes, I'm not interested in what she's interested in, I can't help it, I feel like I'm being ungrateful for what I have, but I can't help but think, I should be more like her, but I'm not her, I'm not her and I never will be, so, I will try to not be obstacle in her way, she can achieve a lot, the only thing I can do is support her and not get involved in those stairs that take her up and will lead her to success.

I like to write what I think, it doesn't matter if it's in this account that probably no one will ever see, and then again, each time I surprise myself even more, not long ago, yesterday in fact, I slept for about fourteen hours, I think it's a new record for me, but what surprises me is that I usually only sleep about eight hours, well, that was before the holidays, but whatever, I'm just babbling nonsense, and I've discovered new things about myself these days, so for example, people make me uncomfortable, the person who comes to clean my house some days in the morning, I have known her since childhood, but it makes me uncomfortable to be in the same place as her, with my mom and dad I can stand it more, but I don't feel really comfortable, I really don't like being in the presence of others, except the dogs of my house, one grabbed me as a bed today, I had to move him because I urgently needed to go to the bathroom, poor him, if I didn't need to go that urgently, I would happily let him be.

Sometimes, I dream strange things, but also sometimes, I dream as if it were something from my daily life, then there are those strange dreams that when I wake up are nothing more than a blurry thing of colors, but after a while, days, weeks, months, sometimes years, that blurry image comes back to me, it comes back in an image that is no longer blurry, and the image becomes what I have in front of me, I remember that once in a school activity, they made us do a craft, and in the end of the activity, they returned it, when I held my craft, I felt like it was that blurry image from my dream, it's strange, because over time I forget the morning I woke up with that image in my head, only to remember the forgotten image I had in my head of a morning that I no longer remember. , it doesn't happen as often as it used to, but sometimes it comes back, but I don't realize until I find what the blurry image was.

Sometimes I start thinking, thinking about myself, and then I realize, why do I feel like I could cry about it?

I mean, I'm not very good at acting, at least as far as I know, but I'm good at lying in the moment, I can cry if I talk like the victim, like the person who needs to be pitied, it's strange, because now I just thought about a situation where I feel like I could cry, and I felt like my eyes were getting ready to cry, actually, I'm trying to cry right now, it's working to a certain point, they're just getting watery, but no tears are coming out, I guess the words are the activator, how curious, the last time I cried for almost two days because of something stupid, once a crybaby always a crybaby, or I guess it was just me