ID In Alt

Bruce, to his Robins: You are my emotional support children.

Dick: Imma commit murder! Chandeliers are my new trapeze! Dating an alien princess sounds like a great idea!

Jason: An abandoned apartment in Crime Alley is a perfectly fine place to live! *dies* Why won’t you kill the Joker, huh? Huh?!?

Tim: Me and my friends are gonna go cause several international incidents. See ya!

Steph: So, like, what if I started a gang war?

Damian: Drake insulted Batcow’s honor! He will perish by my blade! Murder is acceptable! Can we adopt chickens?

Duke: Wdym jumping off bridges isn’t a reasonable tactic? Quit being such a buzzkill!

Bruce, sighing: …and you are also the reason I need emotional support children in the first place.

Jason visiting and babysitting toddler Damian (5 years old)

Jason entered the palace just as Damian was playing with blocks. When the toddler spotted his big brother, his face lit up.

Toddler Damian (jumping to his feet): Akh Jason! You're back!

Damian ran with his little legs, and Jason couldn't help but smile at the sight. Talia didn't have enough time to stop him as the little boy spread his arms wide, eager for a hug.

Toddler Damian (running towards Jason): Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Lift me!

Damian bounced up and down, waiting to be picked up. Talia and Ra's watched from a distance—Ra's with a look of disgust, while Talia simpered and sniffled with a smile at how cute her precious tifl was.

Jason: Magic word.

Damian (in a high-pitched voice): Please!

Talia (shaking her father): He said please! So precious!

Ra's (stepping away): Stop shaking me!

Jason placed his hands on his hips and chuckled before lifting Damian into the air, ruffling his hair affectionately.

Damian (eagerly): Hi, did you miss me? Did you miss me?!

Jason (lying): Hm... No.

Despite Jason's teasing, Damian giggled and hugged him tightly. Ra's attempted to speak, but Talia silenced him with a sharp jab to his neck, causing him to cough.

Damian: Did you bring me a gift?

Jason: I got some gifts for you, but I might need to rest—

Damian (high-pitched voice): Wait, wait! I want gifts... Please?

Ra's sucked his teeth at the emphasis on "please." Talia fought to suppress a smile as Jason walked off with Damian, patiently answering his many questions about America.

Jason: You're lucky you're so convincing.

Damian: Yeah!

Bruce walks into the kitchen one day at breakfast and sticks a golden star right on Dick’s forehead.

Silence overtakes all of his kids as they stare incredulously because what the actual fuck??

“B?” Dick questioned warily, going crossed eyed as he tried to stare at the star in his forehead.

“Congratulations Dickie, you have successfully made only five death threats to individuals this entire week.” Bruce said solemnly, patting Dick on the head before turning to face his other children.

“Unfortunately, I will not be giving out any more gold stars.” Bruce’s eyes gazed at his children, particularly staying on Jason and Damian for a second longer than anyone else’s.

“Wha-? What about me??” Duke protested, throwing down his fork, a small splatter of syrup splashing onto the new wood varnish.

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “Duke, I’m Batman.”

“Right.” Duke muttered, slumping back down in his chair. “Stupid pickpocketers, next time I’ll make sure they can’t squeal.”

“Father! I demand a recount!” Damian’s chair squeaked loudly as he shot up from it, his small face set in a stubborn frown so similar to Bruce’s. “Grayson made two death threats to thugs on patrol yesterday.”

“Fucking tattle tale!” Duck hissed, grabbing his forehead and scampering away from Bruce, just in case he tried to take away his good star.

Bruce nodded and looked thoughtful. “Hmm, seven death threats… I’ll allow it. However, seven has become the cap in order to get a gold star.”

“One for everyday of the week!” Jason grinned, his eyes zeroing in on a barely awake Tim. “And since I’m long past the threshold…” Bruce slapped him on the back of the head, making him curse.

Cass tugs on Bruce’s sleeve and points to herself, the silent question very loud. “No Cass, your whole existence is a threat but also Stephanie likes to talk.”

Cass clicks her tongue and sits back down, phone already in hand, probably texting Stephanie about her betrayal.

“Looks like Dick is winning.” Bruce stated, suppressing a smirk as all of his kids heads whipped around and stared at him. Of course they would take the bait, there were as competitive as he was.

Even Tim now looked mostly aware of what was happening.

“It’s a new week, good luck.” Bruce nodded, walking out of the dining room, a grin breaking out across his face as the room erupted with noise.

Jim Gordon once every few weeks, shouting talking by his window: would be a shame if someone tracked down the culprit in this case file I am leaving UNATTENDED at my desk and paid him a nasty visit. Sure hope this ABUSER, who used MONEY to get the charges dropped and is currently out and about doesn't get into a nasty ACCIDENT.

Batman wondering why he even bothers staying in the shadows anymore: ...

Gordon: Oh well, time for my lunch break

Dick: shit, with B out of town I forgot about Gordon's thing

Jason: Gordon's thing?

Dick: you know, the thing he always did where he'd leave casefiles on the roof of people who really needed to get beaten up?

Jason: ...that's what those were for?

Dick: yeah

Dick, hefting a file up: anyway, do you wanna take this pedophile or should I?

Jason:

Dick:

Jason: what were you thinking

Dick: I'm open to suggestions

Jason: kinda hard to diddle kids if you don't have functioning hands, yeah?

Dick, shuddering: now you sound like him

"That's all from Talia," Bruce says about a characteristic Damian absolutely, 100% inherited from him.

"The sky was lonely, and you were the tail that I wanted."

I physically need Jason Todd to have several popular accounts as a reviewer of, honestly, anything.

New article in Gotham Gazette? A famous five-star reviewer already wrote a comment on what unethical methods the writer had used, along with debunking the rest of the article. And guess what? It has more likes than the original post.

New restaurant opened? Another famous critique just finished polishing a very detailed post regarding everything inside it — the decor, the cooking techniques, the service (he almost never picks up on waiters, though). It is so on the spot that, honestly, the owners can't even argue with the review.

New movie? Uh-uh, be sure you write your characters properly. New vigilante? Get detailed information on your methods of work and fighting style — and, hey, it might be even useful. New book? Be careful, someone is about to kick your ass on the Internet, unless written worthy.

The funniest part? No one assumes that it is the same person.

And the batfamily? Well, they have no time for this. Expect for... Tim.

Tim, sending a link to Vale's article: Hood. Drag her ass.

Jason: lol

Jason: give me, like, an hour–

Tim: Had I told you you are my favourite?

Jason: i might have an idea, yeah

Tim: Hood. The new restaurant is so ass. They are also homophobic and stared at me and Kon the whole evening like we killed someone. Do something.

Jason: sec

(The restaurant gets closed in, like, two days after that)

Tim: Jason. Bruce pisses me off this week.

Jason: LOL

Jason: wake up, birdie, the new article shitting on Batman's technics just dropped

Tim: YAY

Ok but like- imagine Bruce Wayne deciding to become Batman at like mother fucking 15??? It would be the dumbest fucking thing ever

Imagine, Bruce after returning from patrol:

Alfred: master Bruce…homework

Bruce: I don’t need homework! Im Batman!

Alfred: Even Batman needs to do his homework!

Bruce: Hmp! *locks himself in his room and blasts my chemical romance on his speakers* nobody understands me…

Batman may claim to have no powers, but Green Lantern knows better. He’s convinced that Batman’s cape is sentient.

Green Lantern has observed it on quiet nights in the Watchtower, when Batman thinks no one’s paying attention. He releases control over his cape, letting it unravel and float menacingly around him in different directions. It moves on its own, sweeping across nearby surfaces, carelessly knocking over items.

There’s one thing Green Lantern knows for sure—Batman’s cape has a sweet tooth. Every time Batman passes the candy bowl, it’s mysteriously emptied.

Even stranger, it seems to influence other capes. Once, while Batman was talking to Superman, their capes briefly touched, and Green Lantern saw Superman’s cape come to life—swirling and fluttering as though it had a mind of its own. Superman, unfazed, didn’t even react to the way their capes were flapping erratically around them. Green Lantern was relieved he didn’t have a cape.

He told the others about his theory, but they were skeptical at first. They eyed Batman’s cape with suspicion as he was distracted by a mission briefing with Wonder Woman. But even the Flash had to admit Green Lantern might be onto something when Batman’s cape swiped their feet out from under them, sending them both tumbling to the floor.

Martian Manhunter nodded sagely and agreed on its intelligence, having felt the minds of four little beings flitting around underneath Batman’s cape. Maybe one day they’d feel comfortable enough to run underneath his cape too.

Boy has horrific bloody gruesome nightmare and wakes up in a cold sweat, begrudgingly seeks comfort in father. What happens next is shocking!!!!