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Hi there! Do you have post where you discussed tips/advice on developing platonic relationships between those of the opposite gender? I see all too often the friends-to-lovers trope and while that is entertaining, I would like to expand my writing to develop an intimate friendship between two characters without resorting to the previous trope.

Guide: Developing a Close Platonic Friendship

Close platonic friendships go through many of the same stages and steps as a romantic relationship, but obviously without the romantic and/or sexual interest. Much like a romance, it can begin with an instant “attraction,” or it can develop slowly over time, but it ultimately builds through a series of shared experiences, common interests, and a building of trust.The Different Types of Friendship

acquaintances - known but not known well

associate - sharing a common activity such as work or a class

networking contact - friendly acquaintance who is beneficial to know

mentor - acquaintance who imparts knowledge or experience

social friends - friends you socialize with but don’t rely on in any way

good friends - friends you socialize with but can also count on if you need a favor or some light emotional support

close friends - friends you know well, can be yourself around, and can count on for favors and heavy emotional support

confidant - a close friend who you can tell your secrets to

best friend - your closest friend who you can count on for anything

Depending on where and how a friendship begins, it can advance through the different types of friendship almost as stages of friendship. For example, you might meet someone at work and bond as you begin to work together. Then you might begin to socialize with them a little bit, eventually graduating to hanging out together outside the larger group of friends. As your bond grows, you’ll be more comfortable around each other and trust each other more with your thoughts, feelings, and problems. This kind of friendship can turn into a very close friendship or even a best friendship.

How Friendships Form & How to Write About It

1) Meeting

For a friendship to form, two people have to meet for the first time. The nature of their meeting and the strength of their initial interest in one another usually determines how quickly the friendship forms. Also, the personality of each individual can obviously play a role. When two people meet in a larger group setting such as school, the workplace, or church, their friendship is likely to form a little slower since their time together is likely structured and not always conducive to socializing or bonding. In this case, the friendship has to develop enough for it to graduate to arranging meetings outside the initial group setting.

In other cases, when there’s more room for socializing upon each meeting, a friendship can form much faster. This is especially true when the meetings already occur outside of a structured format, such as when you meet someone in your neighborhood, online, or at the dog park.

It can be helpful to think of your characters’ meeting as the “inciting incident” of their friendship. Consider what was missing from their life prior to meeting this person, and what is gained once they become friends.

2) Moment of Discovery

After two people have met, there’s usually a “moment of discovery” that leads to a feeling of kinship between them. Typically, this discovery has two do with realizing something you have in common, like an affinity for the same subject at school, being huge fans of the same TV show, having the same type of dog, or having two kids who are friends. Often, this leads to the realization that you have other things in common, and with each thing learned and shared, the bond grows stronger.

For your characters, you’ll want to consider what works with the story. Look to your characters’ back stories to see if they have any common experiences, or if it would make sense that they both like something similar. For example, if both of your characters come from remote mountain villages, they might share a like or dislike of a certain type of food common in those villages, or of a certain cultural element.

3) From “Crossing Paths” to Intentional Meetings

Most friendships start without any sort of commitment. Sort of a “see you around” mentality, if you will. But as the two people keep crossing paths and getting to know each other, the friendship will probably graduate to intentional meetings, much like when two romantic interests decide to go on dates. For a friendship that forms in a structured environment, like school or work, the decision will likely be made to “hang out” outside of school or work.Sometimes, two people with an early friendship bond might get thrown into unexpected circumstances that strengthens their bond even more. For example, a group of school friends might get trapped in a cave together for a few days, which not only takes their friendship out of the usual structured environment, but throws them into a situation where they’re forced to get to know each other better, to bond, and to trust each other.

For your characters, consider what works best for your story. Don’t force a friendship. Let it grow organically through the events of the story.

4) Strengthening the Bond

One of the most important things that needs to happen once a friendship is established is things need to happen to strengthen the bond. These two friends need to feel comfortable sharing secrets with each other and knowing they can do so judgment free. They need to discover that the person will be there for them, even in difficult circumstances. As the friendship goes through and survives obstacles and challenges, the bond will grow even stronger.

For your characters, consider the natural opportunities for the friendship to grow in the story. What happens that force these two friends to get to know each other better? What happens that forces them to trust one another and rely on one another?

5) Sex is Sex

Generally speaking, human culture and society has very specific ideas about what constitutes sex and romance. These ideas can obviously differ slightly from culture to culture, and society to society, but we all basically know what these are within our own culture and society, and we’re all capable of guessing what situations might present confusion. But despite these notions, in real life there aren’t always crisp lines that define what is sexual or romantic and what isn’t. For example, a kiss on the cheek can be very affectionate and romantic, or it can be only mildly affectionate and totally platonic. In real life, you can cuddle with your best friend, curled up together in a tangle of limbs while you talk or laugh or comfort–and this can be completely platonic without even an ounce of sex or romance. But in fiction, we don’t have the billion points of data we have in real life to clarify that something is strictly platonic. And as much as we all may crave strictly platonic relationships in the stories we read, we’re programmed to see romance everywhere. This is why two characters on a TV show can’t smile at each other once without launching a thousand Character A x Character B tumblrs and inciting lengthy shipper wars. That said, as much as we may want to experiment with having our platonic characters being very intimate with each other, and doing things like showering together, kissing on the mouth, soft whispers and laughter while cuddling together on a bed–we need to really consider whether that kind of intimacy is really adding anything to the friendship or the story, and whether that thing is important enough to risk the fact that people will want to ship your characters even if you make it clear the relationship is platonic.

What You can Do to Clarify a Friendship is Platonic

If you’re worried that your characters’ friendship is coming off as romantic rather than platonic, there are a few things you can do to help clarify things:

- have your characters occasionally refer to each other as “my best friend” both to each other and to other characters.- give your characters significant others or love interests, or have them talk about people they’re interested in

- establish what your characters are attracted to sexually and romantically, and illustrate the fact that these elements are not present in the best friend

- find ways for your characters to be open about why their relationship isn’t romantic or sexual. For example, having one say, “Too bad you and I can’t hook up. It’d be so much easier than the nightmare of dating.” And then having the other say something like, “Yeah, but we’d drive each other crazy and you know I’m into brunettes.” 

- avoid portraying their interactions in ways that will be perceived as sexual or romantic in nature. 

Using a Timeline to Pace the Friendship and Tie it Into the Story

To help plot out your characters’ friendship arc and to make sure it ties into the story well, use a timeline like this:

Most important of all, follow your gut! Consider your own friendships, how they developed, what worked and what didn’t, and how something would have gone down if it had happened in one of your friendships.

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