The Homes Of Hidden Animals Series By Jeniak

“She was brave, my Mara.”

It is hard to be alone.

It is hard to do things by yourself it it is mostly hard to find a reason to keep going on when you're by yourself. I guess most of us pass our lives basing our happiness on other people. We put all our hopes and expectations of happiness and personal realization on other people.

"I am happy because I have you by my side"

"You are the reason why I am still going on and fighting for things"

"You are my inspiration"

It is never yourself. It is definitely never your own straight. How to change that?

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the afternoon is: Prisma Illya from Fate/kaleid liner Prisma☆Illya✧・ﾟ:*

I was thinking about you.

It is not that I don't think about you every single day of my life since I first fell in love with you, however I was actually thinking about you. Analyzing my feelings about you and how my life changed when I was with you and since you left my side.

I was wondering if this feeling, this necessity of having you by my side, this joy I feel when I see your picture and the pain on my chest when I remember the moments by your side, if all this feeling is actually real. I was thinking and thinking and at some point overthinking about this feeling. Do I miss you? Do I ever even felt this deep passion about you? Or do I only LOVED how you made me feel. How you made me feel alive and in love with life and how you truly gave me a reason to leave bed in the morning.

Was all this love for you? Or was all this love for how you made me feel alive? I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you everyday but over all, I truly think I miss having a passion on my life.

I decided it was about time for me to write online about eating disorders and what it takes to truly recover from it.

How to do it? I don't know - yet.

I found myself again undereating And overexercising and somehow I found it to be disturbing. It wasn't my first time doing it, it was definitely not the worst I got. However this time I was older, not a teenager anymore, not as emotional about it and for my luck, I had Instagram.

Might be a good question to ask, how Instagram helped me? Showed me - since I was for a long time searching about diets and exercises- some bloggers defending something called 'intuitive eating'. And what is this? It is basically some women that, tired of suffering during their entire life from undereating and fighting eating disorders caused by what they called the "diet culture", decided to study about nutrition, most of them are professionals of the area, and then decided to speak to other woman about how society has convinced them to be under their set-point weight all for the sake of the "perfect female's body".

Most of them suffered, as I do, of anorex1a nervosa and put their bodies under an extreme stress. All the idea behind what they defend is not that complicated but I can't say I truly absorb it. I am indeed still trying to recover, still trying to eat what I want, to not worry about how fit I look and all that :good: stuff everybody already knows about.

One thing however, I found to be the most important point I got from them: society does tell woman to undereat, it does convince us that if we are not skinny and fit we are not -truly- enough, it does makes us believe there is the ideal body, the ideal BMI - this last one has a dark history on my point of view - and it does for sure put in our minds some crazy productivity standards when it is up to working out. At least, now, I know it is not ok to eat less than 1000 kcal, workout twice a day for 2h straight and weight myself almost everyday.

And that is might point about what it takes to recover from a eating disorder: recognize it, study about it and work on how you see and deal with food and your own body, accept and start to listen to yourself, not to the calorie's app or the fitness blogger that has an intense workout routine while eating only protein shakes and bars. You know what you need, honor yourself and your body. It is all a process but I am happy that I started it and I have people by my side that care and are helping me with it.

Танцы. 1963. Якобсон Александра Николаевна (1903-1966)

“no more half loves” by Chloë Frayne

spring and autumn

Танцы. 1963. Якобсон Александра Николаевна (1903-1966)