Denkeschon - /shittypoem

ive been trying to get a job for months now but things are really bad in my city covid wise so ive got nowhere to really look to anymore. 

so hi im a 19 year old nb trans person and ive been getting psychiatric help for my bipolar disorder and managing my money has been very difficult, my bills are constantly overdrafting me every month and i had to drop out to take care of myself mentally. anything will help at this point, and will be greatly appreciated!! i can also do tattoo flashes for people who donate 10+ dollars. just dm me and we can work something out!

my paypal is peachybirdo@gmail.com 

Танцы. 1963. Якобсон Александра Николаевна (1903-1966)

Some types of people can deeply bother me,I won't talk about the ones that makes me feel angry but those who can make me perplexed.

PEOPLE WITHOUT GOALS

In my head the only thing I can't think when someone starts the answer to "what do you plan on doing now/this year/whenever?" with a "maybe" is: how?

How can someone be so "plan-free" or insecure about their own wishes that they can't answer it with "I will" or "I want to" ?

I might not know what I will for sure do, but I definitely have more than one concrete plan for this time in question. I might not know if the plan A or B will work but if know I have for sure a plan C or some variation of the previous ones. I don't know what I will be doing next year, no one knows, no one can predict the future, but I know what I want to do, what I'm working forward to do.

I don't like people without goals, without a single dream, without a plan. I guess it is due the fact I'm really obsessed with organization and planning everything, workouts, meals, tasks, etc. I try my best to keep an spreadsheet or some type of mental note of what I need to do or want to accomplish and I honestly don't know how people can live without doing so.

I was thinking about you.

It is not that I don't think about you every single day of my life since I first fell in love with you, however I was actually thinking about you. Analyzing my feelings about you and how my life changed when I was with you and since you left my side.

I was wondering if this feeling, this necessity of having you by my side, this joy I feel when I see your picture and the pain on my chest when I remember the moments by your side, if all this feeling is actually real. I was thinking and thinking and at some point overthinking about this feeling. Do I miss you? Do I ever even felt this deep passion about you? Or do I only LOVED how you made me feel. How you made me feel alive and in love with life and how you truly gave me a reason to leave bed in the morning.

Was all this love for you? Or was all this love for how you made me feel alive? I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you everyday but over all, I truly think I miss having a passion on my life.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless about all of the trauma I carry. I have ongoing issues with inflammatory injuries and I know that’s linked to long-term stress, as are a bunch of other diseases. And so many of my responses to things and how I see the world are colored by the way I experienced life as a kid and it just makes me feel like I’m never going to be normal. I crave but am terrified of intimacy of any kind, and this was only worsened by emotional trauma as a teen and young adult. I just feel constantly detached, like I’m not quite a part of things, and like what even is the point if I’m never going to experience life normally anyway? Like I know no one has a “normal” experience but come on. It seems like I’m never going to be able to enjoy things the way it seems everyone else does, like I’m just going to constantly feel like the walking wounded, never quite able to open up or keep up. Idek this isn’t even making any sense. I’m just feeling pretty mournful over everything today.

So I’m in love with the Tropical Rouge Cure designs, especially Cure Summer.

Art by exellero

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the morning is: Hiyo from Project Tokyo Dolls!✧・ﾟ:*

//

I like art, I like paintings, drawings, texts, or any type of creational exposure. It makes me feel good, it makes everything easier to me. And, even though most people during all my life said that it would never be enough for me to survive, today, I honestly advise anyone to go after it. Do you like writing? Are you happy making animations? Painting? Dancing? DO IT! Go after it, because working on a 9-5 job will either make you happy or give you money.  Not anymore, not on this world. So, if you are supposed to struggle with bills, might as well do it while being happy.

So long, so gone

What have you been doing all this time? Did you learn anything new? Did you try anything new? Did you live or survived? 

Maybe we should all really try harder -not on the emotional meaning of course-- but on the physical and rational way, go for it, try it, risk it.