The Question Is

I want this book to exist. I wanna read it. why the fuck do I have to be the one responsible for it though

— Donte Collins

probably the best advice I've ever got was from my grandpa when I moved from my town and started a university, he told me to leave the house everytime when I start to feel down, just to go to the park, a supermarket, a bookstore, to even drive in a bus or tram, just be around other people because staying at home all the time kills you; and you know he was right

Reid Reading Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Possible spoilers below

I never thought I would identify with a character as strong as I do with Tori Spring. I've never thought I could be anyone who matters to someone, and I still don't now, even with the friends I've found after growing up learning how to be on my own, especially when second-guessing everything you feels like it's all you ever do. The backpack chapter reasonated with me, every time I get overwhelmed, I make a decision completely blown out of proportion to make something feel right about me, to stop the panic and racing thoughts.

Then there's overthinking what to say, around family and friends and strangers, what to feel, what your morals are and what separates you from your intrusive thoughts. Every thought you have in conversation is about what other people see in you and how you relate to the conversation in the slightest, making you aware you're such a bloody narcissist. Contradicting yourself often, which confuses everyone else and frustrates you the most. But while those people contradict themselves, you feel both the confusion and frustration, almost for the other person.

You try to keep it all down then, because while you know have everything, you feel like you need more. You can't believe it, you're already trying to earn what you have now, what else could you possibly want?

And then there is wondering, about the "why" when you want something. Why do you want it if the cost is too risky? What would you do to get it? Why would you work so hard if it might end badly for you?

The contradiction, when you need help, you don't want to be alone, but the company you have doesn't feel like what you need, you feel like a watcher of your own uninteresting life. Second guessing, (do I actually want this?) I don't know what I'm actually going to feel if I get what I think a moment of unexplored comfort would be. Maybe it will be suffocating. Maybe it isn't possible. Maybe I'd ruin it. That's when the wondering goes further.. What about your identity is truly yours? Which pieces have you handpicked from the people in your life, and what is actually inside you that makes you who you are? Maybe you don't want to ever know.

This all being said, the one thing I feel separated myself from Tori Spring's character- was that she doesn't like to read, my little dark heart sank from my body in dismay. I still love her though, enough to breathe through the book in one afternoon.

Bro it's hard to be my kind of stupid AND financially responsible, I'm never fucking moving out lol

Happy birthday Michael Holden

Alice Fucking Oseman made me know pain and joy lol

Tab system:

Orange: "Wait, That's Me." (Relating too hard to Georgia)

Yellow: "Ace Pain." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, ouch")

Green: "Ace Joy." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, thank you Alice :)")

Light Pink: "RAGE" (Getting angry at the scenario or characters)

Dark Pink: "Outlier" (Moments I will probably quote or wish happened to me, like having a Pip, Rooney, Jason, Sunil, Jess or Ellis)

+ page 5: Alice, when I catch you, Alice.

Credit: @taceplantae

There's so much skin torn off my lips that I don't even need to speak. But I can't help but wonder that when they look at me, do they know about what I won't tell them?