I Don't Understand. How Can I Be Doing Well And Than One Moment, Out Of Nowhere My Brain Just Switches

I crave him so much. I don't know why. I've never talked him, but im 99% sure he is ur average boy, probs even a red piller, a 'natural' misogynist who won't even see me as a person since I am a woman he most likely won't be attracted to.

But my mind can't let go of him. My brain already hurts me so much, but this is just bullying. Making me feel so much for him. I yearn to just look at him. I barely even have the chance to see him, but I wish to properly look at him for even just 2 minutes.

And again, I feel like such a freak. A creepy stalker. I would not acc go as far as stalking him, but wanting just to look at him feels so awful.

The things I would do for him to feel like that towards me.

I thought my life was meaningless and aimless, but all that changed with her. Now I'm alive with a purpose, obsessed with giving her everything I am and can be. I'm filled with determination, and every single minute of the day I can't wait to see her again. When I look in the mirror, nothing matters - only her.

I am such an overeater that sometimes when I go to the toilet at night I half consciously grab a slice of bread from the kitchen.

Today when I came back from work I found a half eaten slice of bread next to my pillow. I don't even remember taking it from the kitchen which makes me wonder how many times have I eaten during the night that I have no clue of.

I am one unnecessary and out of nowhere comment about my eating away from completely blowing off at my parents.

I cant bring myself to do anything. I have so much to do, but I don't do anything. It feels like I'm incapable of everything. I just want to not exist anymore. Just not be.

I hate how my ridiculous obsession with him makes me feel such hatred towards a girl that has done nothing to me. My eyes glazed over her and my mind started automatically fantasizing about killing her. Seeing the fear in her eyes. Even when it wont being me closer to him a part of me would see it as a win, I hate that.

Purged for the first time in a very long time. So fucking vile. Can't believe 12/13 year old me would do this multiple times, every day. Girlie was tough asf, current me could never.

3rd day back at school/the dorm and I already binged

Gonna fast till Thursday noon. Right now it's only almost at hour 10, but gotta push thru it.

I took a nap during the day and now I can't sleep. I'm so bored and just want to sleep, but I Literally can not fall asleep.