It's Friday Night And I'm Crying Over Things That Will Never Change. I Can't Can't Fucking Cut Myself

Not to be delusional. But I've been writing his name in my pad this 2 days. Yesterday we didn't cross paths, but today we did and he actually looked at me. He didn't just glaze his gaze over me, he took proper looks. Never happened before hihi

I cant bring myself to do anything. I have so much to do, but I don't do anything. It feels like I'm incapable of everything. I just want to not exist anymore. Just not be.

I wish I knew what he thought of me. What thought come into his head when he glides his gaze over me? I would even want to know if it's bad, it's better than living in the unknown, I could change if possible and I could use the sadness to cut myself.

If only I could read his mind, better yet control it.

If only I had an obsession who I could actually interact with. Who I could actually talk with, get to know them better, become deeply obsessed with them.

What the fuck is wrong with my brain. I met the ppl in my uni course yesterday, one girl caught my eye, we spoke once.....and now my brain is cutting to lowkey romantic fantasies about her.

mentally a living corpse

It would be food from store from this town that I won't be able to get before Monday otherwise. And like, the taste and texture of the food haunts me. I can't think abt anyhting else. Even that ill be able to eat other shit when I get home doesn't console me. I can't sleep because all I can think about is that food.

The fact that I acc have to resist the thought about skipping school just go and buy food is wild, cause the school in question is a short, nice and actually useful.

I cant do this anymore, I just wish I could die. I will never be able to be happy in this body, I'll never be able to be something, never be able to be a normal functional person. My body is my biggest enemy, I'm my biggest enemy. And I wanna kill it, I wanna kill it so bad.

I want my mom to hold me and then tuck me to bed. Put me to sleep so sweet and deep, I'll never wake.

What do I have to do to attract a yandere?? Do I have to summon them with a ritual, bring a sacrifice??